last year can be just be basically summed up by two words, lost and found.
there are some things i have lost but there are also some things i have found. altho if i would compare between losses and gains, the losses are a bit heavier and impactful.
losing people is not new to me but that doesnt mean that it doesnt hurt or doesnt have any effect on me. if they didnt mean anything to me then it prolly wouldnt but thats not the case. however, i cant stop them from leaving or maybe realizing that im not really worth it. no matter how you plead or beg for them to stay, people will leave if and when they want to. ill just let them go and say, thank you for coming by, i guess. i hope my presence in your life meant something and all i did for you wasnt in vain.
it wasnt a surprise to also lose one more thing significant last year. despite working hard and mostly pro-bono, it was inevitable. i did kinda see it happening sooner or later so it wasnt much of a shock. it still affected me in a way. but as with people, things just move on and i just have outlived my usefulness.
its just all the same feeling when people and work just dont need you anymore. how they tell it to you changes or i guess softens the blow abit so rather than just feeling like a discarded..."thing"..you would just feel like you were useful at some point and thats it, just a single-serving is enough.
things werent all that bad tho. somewhere along the road, i found a new opportunity to prove myself and found new people as well. i am so much thankful for it. it just came at the right time because i was in danger of regressing and just give up on everything again. it was starting to feel like how things were a few years ago and it was just something i didnt want to go back to..but it was inevitable with the circumstances. i am thankful that it was all averted.i dont think ill be able to come out if things didnt go well.
so after all of that..im still here and i survived.
im not pretty sure how to feel about this new year. my happiness just comes in spurts. its day-to-day at best. its never that permanent. so "just being happy" wont just work when im not quite "actually" "happy ". i know that it'll be another year of being lost and being found, of losing and gaining. well, there still a long ways to go for this year. im ready to take it all.
EDIT:
im sorry i forgot to include this but im thankful to those who stayed with me thru the year to this one. knowing that im a stubborn, difficult, idiotic, gullible person and still wanted be around someone like that or associated with someone like that..that was just a few of the good things i had last year. thank you.
