Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Christmas.

Just a couple of weeks ago I was having conversations with my friends on how we didn't feel the same old spirit of Christmas like we did when we were young.

Of course as a child, I would anticipate the opening of gifts and of course the food. All the glorious food.

As I grew older...things changed. But no the Fire Nation wasnt the culprit. It was just that Christmas begins to look and feel different at different age groups. Moreso when you are already working. I myself have spent a few christmases at work (but it was fun).

As I grew older, Christmas wasnt that much of...well, Christmas anymore.

And yes, I know the true meaning of Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus and so on. But hey, we all have our own thought on it so yea.

Anyhoo...

A few days ago, with Christmas getting near...aaand still nothing. Although I spent a good time hanging out with friends so I cannot complain.

The thing I am scared and sad and worried and sad about is that well...actually there are a lot of things.

First off, it'll be the first Christmas without Wiya. Thats a big thing. Last Christmas, I slaved over the oven to bake a chicken for Wiya and was happy that she loved it. Now, I just see her in pictures and in my memories.

Then it'd be the loneliness...I'm not technically spending it alone as I have my older bro around but that doesnt mean that it cant get lonely.

/sigh

Yeah..yeah, bah humbug and all that.

But that mood kinda changed.....I am happy that a lot of my friends have gone out of their way to try and cheer me up. I received a few things I didnt/wasnt expecting. I was offered to have dinner to a few peoples' houses. They even offered to come and be with me on Christmas Eve.

On this Christmas Eve, I am happy. That Christmas feeling is back again even if it wasnt there just yesterday.

I have a good feeling things'll be better come next year.

Merry Christmas!

Happy Holidays!

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Reunion

It was prolly the happiest I've been in a very long time.

..not discounting the fun times I've had with my friends of course. I've always had a lot of happy times with them. But ..it's a bit different with Family.

One reason why is because my family hasn't had a gathering like this in a very long time as well. Mom and her 10 siblings were all complete once again (plus a few of their spouses and some cousins) in one roof and it was pretty awesome.

All in all, we numbered around 30 people. We went from Guagua (ancestral home) to Baguio and then to Vigan. It was pretty much a very awesome trip.

Being able to reconnect with my aunt's, uncle's and cousins was cool. I did get asked a few questions I knew most of them will ask. I gave them a general answer and I get the usual response, most of which I heard  before. But it still felt reassuring as it now comes from family.

I was also given tons of advice..on everything. I just wish I had the confidence and strength my relatives have. Most of them have their own story to tell and share  with regards to their own experiences and hardships and that all of them had a lesson or two to impart with me. Be it either  in life, love or health.

Speaking of health....the diet sort of ..kinda went out the window once the relatives started arriving. All of them had chocolates to give and till now we have a fridge full of chocolates. Add to that the many times we went out and had a big meal in malls. Then there was that big food fest for the cousins in Guagua and then the whirlwind food encounters in Baguio and Vigan.

Sure there was a ton of food (mostly while in Vigan), I did try my best to avoid anything that could set back my health. Key word: Try LOL. Funny thing was, my Mom was on my case with eating fatty food but then again she didn't follow her own advice and she spent a few hours lying on the bed with prolly high BP, trying to sleep it off. Me? I know what my body can and cannot take. I had no High BP issues whatsoever despite my intake. So there :p

Anyway...

It's been almost two weeks since the trip and it has been more than a week since they all flew back to the US of A (and my sister back to SG). Life now has started to slow down to a crawl again and the house is as silent as it is almost empty. It's sad and depressing really but that's expected I guess. It would be nice it this was a yearly thing but well..financially it would be hard. Then again, hopefully it will again sooner rather than later.

For the curious, here is my lovable family:

in Guagua..

in Baguio...

in Vigan...

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Knowing. Not knowing.

Being told how to live your life isn't really how some should live. But it is applicable for someone who has lost their way which is more or less a perfect description of how I am right now.

I know that I am not on the best path right now. Heck, I don't even know if I'm on a path. I don't even know what path to go on or if there's even a clear path for me to walk on to. People have always said to just go and forge your own way. Now, I know that I'm not doing anything to get on any kind of path but I know that every little step you do, no matter how insignificant, is still a step into the path you're going on. So maybe I am going on my way but it's just taking a lot of time.

I know I'm not a good guy. I know I can be pretty much of a douche, an asshole, an ingrate, a whiny bitch, a user, an abuser, a liar, a cheat, a hypocrite, a lazy-ass, insecure, paranoid, judgmental, and maybe some more. I acknowledge those facts about my self and I am not denying the fact that I've done a whole lot of wrong in my life and I still prolly will. At least that's the most honest thing I can say about me right now.

There are some things that you just cannot control, things that you don't get a say in, things that you can't get your hands on, and things that just go and pass you by. I've learned about these in the best AND worst ways ever possible. There are lessons to be learned and there are morals to the stories. The question is, did I learn anything? Maybe...maybe not. All I have is the knowledge. All I have are the emotions. The lessons will come in time.

So, in short, I am broken as broken would be. I would be lying if I said that everything was okay. It actually is and isn't all at the same time. It's not ideal, it's not perfect, but it is what it is. I can only blame myself, for all things I've done and for all the things I didn't do.

..then again, I'm a liar so why believe everything and anything you read here ...right?



Sunday, October 5, 2014

Writing Block.

I wanted to write something.

It has been a long time since I did.

I even was in some sort of mood to write.

I wanted to assault that blank page of Word with words and make a story.

Unfortunately, I couldn't seem to write anything of significance. I tried doing something new. I tried writing a new story but nothing really came into place. It started out okay, I had the story in my head but I couldn't put it into clear words. I can't properly relay the story in my head through my hands for them to be able to type it into words. So I just stopped trying and saved the thing and hopefully I can continue it someday.

I then tried to write the continuation of my zombie story (new version is here while the original post is here). Again like the story mentioned above, I already have ideas in my head on how to continue what I wrote previously. But again I couldn't properly type it up. Rather than pushing it, I stopped.

The whole thing is so frustrating. I wanted to really go and write something but it was so hard to do so. Weirdly enough, here I am easily writing a post about my hard time writing stories. How weird and strange is that?

I'm not really a writer. I have not studied to be one nor trained. I just like writing my own stuff which started at around late 90's. Prior to writing stories, I used to write poetry. A LOT of poetry. Mostly about, you guessed it, love and loss. Come to think of it, i've never written any poetry as of late. It's been awhile. The last time was way back in college and it was for a girl.

Anyway.

I wish I could get back to writing my stories. To be honest, it's the only thing I can do where I think I can excel. Hopefully I get bitten by the bug again and just let the words flow and come up with something nice. It would be a nice distraction and a break from all the stuff happening around me.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Changes.

I think one of the more obvious changes I'd have recently is the fact that I'm trying to lose weight.

For the longest time my Mom, and my Cardio (as well as a few other relatives) has been telling me to lose weight. It's mostly because of my health issues. Losing weight can help me out a lot in improving my general condition but I really haven't taken it too seriously.

During the last few days of August, I started the whole shebang. I started talking morning walks which is a little difficult for someone like me who had on and off insomnia and a very late sleeper. I had to wake up really early to enjoy the last few hours before the sun showed its face. I also set a routine that as much as possible I walk for 40minutes...and if ever I can, stretch it to an hour. I haven't really done morning walks in a long time. I used to jog every morning prior to getting sick. Then when I got a bit better I tried jogging again which turned a bit disastrous so I reduced it to walking. That didn't last long though. Certain events made me just give up.

In addition to the morning walks, I have also decided to tone done my eating. If you've seen me eat, I eat a lot. I am a very avid eater. You would definitely enjoy my company when it's time to eat. Anyway, I toned down on my rice intake and unlike in the past where I only did it for a few days, I made it pretty sure that the routine stuck. It was hard though but after a few days, everything was fine. I even went two days without eating rice.

I was around 200lbs. when Mom and the siblings left for the US. I lost 15lbs. during those months of depression. And ever since I started walking and watching what I eat, I managed to lose 6lbs. in a week. I couldn't believe it myself but all the hard work paid off. I managed to lose weight and that alone is an achievement.

If you're prolly wondering why I just started taking the whole thing seriously...well, I was actually challenged to do so. The whole thing started because I was challenged to lose 20lbs. in 3 months or less. The payoff? Well the terms was that I was to be "given what I want" without even ever trying to establish what I wanted. Plus the mention of "a lot more motivation". Unfortunately, as what would normally happen to me, the whole thing was almost forgotten by the one who challenged me. So the whole might be just words and stuff but I don't mind. I really do need to lose weight so at least the whole thing started the whole thing. Well sure I was motivated by the fact that there would be something at the end of the rainbow if I do pull this off and lose 20lbs. (which is now down to 14lbs). I mean it would be nice if there was a payoff to all of this but I guess I just have to do the thing to find out.

Anyway, results have been good so far. 2 of my pants are loose and the tightest pair I have is also a bit loose. The brand new shorts that my brother bought me is much loose as well. I haven't had use for a belt for years and now it seems I am in need of one. My shirts have been loose as well. I think that as I continue to try and lose the target weight I will be needing a new wardrobe.

Despite the uncertainty of the challenge and it's "rewards and motivations". I will still go through with losing weight. For the past few months it felt like I haven't done anything at all to improve anything ever since "that" happened. So now, at least I have this.

In Addition:
I think that it's also an achievement to have done this on my own. I did not follow any dietary plan or enroll into any program. I am not starving myself and this isn't a crash diet. You just have to have willpower.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Six Months.

Time flies by so fast and it's already been half a year since you've left.

To be honest ...I've never really gotten used to it.

It's not hard to get emotional when I see pictures of you or even just being around the places you frequent in the house. But truth be told , I sometimes wish to see you roaming around the house like you usually do.

I've been so stuck since you've been gone. All the signs of weakness I tried not to show you has now overwhelmed and consumed me. I know for a fact that you wouldn't want me feeling this way. But I'm sorry...I failed. I just can't seem to just be my old self.

I can function as you can prolly see. I can still go on and continue with life. I can still smile and laugh and hopefully love. It's just that, I was hoping you'd still kinda be here for me as you always have. Whenever I'm feeling down, you'd make me something. You'd give me advice about life and everything even when I didn't need it. You were always there to support me even when no one else did.

It has been killing me that we didn't have enough time to talk during your last days. Then again, mostly it was because you were to weak to speak due to your condition. The last time we did talk though was when I was telling you about my graduation from baking class. You were awake and had your eyes on me. I gripped your hand tight as I was explaining and telling you everything. I was also holding back my tears avoid any cracking in my voice as I was talking. When I stopped, you had watery eyes and was mouthing something I couldn't decipher.

Then in a couple of days after that....you were gone.

I managed to go and finish baking classes but I couldn't manage to go to the graduation because I got sick from all the binge drinking and emotional distress. I haven't even baked something edible ever since.

If you have watched me for the past few months, I know you'd be disappointed in me. But I know that rather than give me a hard time about it, you'd just be there for me and give me a hug and tell me everything will be alright like you always did.

I could really use that hug and pep talk right now..because despite it all, I still have my doubts that everything will be alright.

I miss you Wiya. I'm trying but its been really, really hard. It's easy for me to just go and fake it when I go out and talk to people. But when I'm by myself, it all just gets me and I break down.

I miss you alot Wiya. I know that the reason you tried to hold on as long as you can was that you just wanted to see and leave us stable, secure and happy. My other siblings are doing well. I can't say that for myself.. I saw your letter. Well hidden among your old hospital bills and papers. It wasn't as much a letter of goodbye but a letter of instructions.  I'm sorry that I haven't done my part. I know a lot of people are very much disappointed in me. I hope I'm not a big disappointment to you as well.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

"But Doctor... I am Pagliacci."

Ironic how a man who filled the world with laughter and smiles can be so full of sadness. So much so that he took his own life.

I was very very shocked to hear about Robin Williams' death in the wee hours of the morning. I was even more shocked to learn that he committed suicide and that he was really depressed.

I hope that he now finds the peace of mind he was looking for.

~

I am no stranger to depression. I was in a funk for almost a year and I'm gradually starting to climb out of the deep hole that my depressed self flung me into.

It is hell.

I have been told by a lot of friends and people that I should just shake it off, pay it no mind and just be happy. And I've told them a lot of times that it's just not that easy. They didn't believe me. They thought I was just throwing a pity party for myself. They never really understood why I was like that. To them I was such a happy go lucky person. I was the one making jokes during hangouts and everyone laughed at them.

But they had enough. So they left.

A few stayed behind. Trying to talk me out of stupid things I might do. They were there for me at my lowest and I got pretty low. So low that I bought myself some sleeping pills, gobbled them all up and washed it down with some Jack Daniels. I didn't really care what will happen to me. As long as the hurting and pain and the sadness went away then it's fine. I didn't care about anyone else, on who might be hurt or how they will deal with it. I know i'll be gone and it won't matter to me.

But it didn't happen. I woke up in the wee hours of early morning, dazed and confused. I felt lightheaded and sick. I then felt like vomiting really bad, good thing the bathroom was near. I was in there puking my guts out prolly for a good 15 minutes and then I proceeded to remove all traces of everything.

Was I glad that it didn't push through? I dunno. But that wasn't my first attempt.

~

Hopefully people would see depression in a different light and hopefully they would know how to act when they see their friends get depressed.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Let's Talk Movies: Guardians of the Galaxy




Wow.

Just Wow.

Marvel took a chance with his movie and they've hit a homerun with it. It was certainly a very obscure comic to comic readers, even more obscure to the non-readers. But Marvel just went and did the thing and now they'll be raking in the big bucks.

Here's to taking chances eh? Well, it would've went any other way really. But Marvel had done an awesome job with marketing the whole thing. And now everyone knows who the characters are. ...or at least the main ones.

Story:
~ Peter Quill (also known as the Legendary Outlaw, Star-Lord) has lived his life in space and has managed to acquire an ancient artifact. Unfortunately, everyone wants their hands on it (it feels so Indiana Jones-esque). This starts off the turn of events wherein he meets the members of GotG in different ways and through different means.As they try to outrun Ronan the Accuser, all seems to be lost when he manages to get his hands on the artifact and start total purging of the galaxy.

Review:
~ This movie is the 2nd to the last movie for Phase 2 of Marvel's Cinematic Universe. It sets up any possible "cosmic" storyline  for future movies (sorry but I do not consider any of the Thor movies "cosmic").

The story itself is...somewhat typical as anti-heroes try to save the day from the bad guy. But that's oversimplifying things as the movie gives more than just the story. The movie's characters individual stories are pretty much mentioned in some detail. These characters have already been prevalent in the comics but this is the first time seeing them in the cinematic universe. They didn't veer away from their comic counterparts which is always a good thing. It's also not also so much "out there" that it won't be understood by the regular movie-goer or the MCU's  (Marvel Cinematic Universe) fans. Which means you don't have to really need to read the comics to enjoy the movie. They pretty much made it so that everyone is seeing these characters and their stories and THE main story for the first time. And that's pretty much a big plus because people won't be so confused as to who's who t that they totally won't enjoy the film.

The movie has some pretty awesome visuals. From the landscape of Planet Morag to literally a floating head of a dead celestial named Knowhere, they really made it look like a real space adventure.

living inside a severed floating head of a huge dead organism? ONLY IN SPACE!

Along with the awesome visuals come also the awesome special effects. From CGI Aliens to the SFX done to the actors, it was pretty great. I mean sometimes it was all too much for the eyes as you try to keep track of things happening in the movie.


Star-Lord's ship, The Milano (did they name it after Alyssa Milano?).


You can't talk about a space movie without talking about spaceships! They were all very wonderful to look at. From Star-Lord's Milano to Ronan's menacing Dark Aster, seeing them on the big screen flying around was pretty intense.

The acting was a bit okay though. Chris Pratt was particularly awesome as well as Bradley Cooper. Vin Diesel as Groot...was...well fun and okay since he has  little vocabulary. I was a bit weirded out on how the chose to characterize Drax. I mean Batista was a fit for him but how they chose to portray him lacked something. He had his moments though, they just needed to him  be more of the destroyer persona. Zoe Saldana was also okay being Gamora. But she lacked the aura of being the most dangerous woman in the universe. Take for example Karen Gillan who played Nebula. She was a sweet looking girl who is known for being in Dr. Who. In the movie, she's totally Nebula...she's a bad-ass (she also shaved her head for the role rather than use a bald cap). Her face and facial expressions says it, her moves says it. Zoe's portrayal seems a bit lacking on that part. On capturing how bad-ass Gamora is. She did okay though, it's just that she could've done a bit more. Lee Pace as Ronan didn't seem like a fit  for me. He was an Elven King and then prior to that he was a pie maker. He hasn't really played a real villain yet. He also lacked the mass that Ronan has, as Ronan is a big bulky bruiser. It came as a big surprise how he (Lee Pace) absolutely played Ronan well. He was big, he was menacing, he was the uber villain of the movie. Michael Rooker was also aa surprise for me. Though they made some changes, he surely made Yondu his own character. He made it seem like Yondu was a space cowboy with his attire and accent. I was amazed how they got his "power" right somewhat.

ohai <3

 And what's more better than a great movie? Having a great soundtrack to go with it. Yes, "Awesome Mix Vol.1" is an actual album being sold in record stores. It's part of the GotG OST and it has all the nostalgia bomb songs in the movie. 

Overall, Guardians of the Galaxy just delivers. It is a great movie that's full of action and adventure. It has also a few bits of humor put in that made me laugh so hard. It also chock full of easter eggs that I kept nudging my brother everytime I see one (there is a lot, keep your eyes peeled). It's a must see movie for the comic fans, MCU fans and movie goers alike.

...oh! be ready for post credits scenes. Brownie points for everyone who knows.





Sunday, July 20, 2014

Only Lonely On The Inside.

For the past few months, I have been coming home to a big empty house.

And despite having 4 dogs (two outside, two inside) around it tends to get a little lonesome. The realization was made apparent while I was hanging out with my bestfriend a few days ago. We finally had some time to talk and catch up. Nothing really dramatic and serious but we inevitably talked about a bit of that stuff. And then it hit me that despite all the fun I had that time, I will still go home into an empty house and face the problem of loneliness.

There is a reason why it seems i'm always online on Facebook.  A few reasons in fact. It connects me to my Mum and siblings in the US. They usually message me around noon when they're about to sleep. I am also a bit far from good friends (mostly around Manila) so FB kind off still connects me to them. But I guess it's just partly because I don't want to be lonely. It's like the equivalent of having the radio on to make yourself not feel alone in the house. I can freely message people and they can freely message me and we could start conversations and stuff. That makes me feel a little less lonely.

My bestfriend has told me that she begins to worry when she doesn't see me online the whole day without a prior update. She immediately thinks that something has gone wrong which she says that it's been true a few couple of times. She told me that the last time I haven't been on much and something bad happened was when I was in the hospital a few  months back. I wonder if some of my friends feel/felt the same way?

Also, seeing my always online in Facebook doesn't mean that i'm always infront of the PC. I just tend to leave it on just incase people leave a message (mostly, it's not..im not surprised). I leave it on, check messages and updates and then do some chores in and around the house. The reason why I am still at home though is because of my "relapse". I am still currently in "rehab" mode. I don't think it would much of a good thing to work while there's still a blood clot hanging around my heart.

Anyway.

I try to go out and about at times. But it kind off makes me more lonely. Things are way more fun when you do stuff with other people.Contrary to what people think, I am much accustomed to being alone. I've been alone give or take the past few years. I'm used to being by myself and at times I am happy with that. But being alone all the time isn't really that good.

But what else can I do? Life always happens. It seems that I'm going to be a bit more time being alone and lonely for awhile. I'm just trying to make the best of it. It's not much but it's all I got left.

Monday, July 14, 2014

How.

There are alot of things that is easier said than done.

Forgetting is one of them. Moreso if you are trying to forget someone on purpose. I mean it would prolly depend on which people you choose to forget.

Actually, it would be alot easier to forget someone if said person did something bad/wrong. Or if a person is just that forgettable because they're too plain or unexciting.

Bot how..how can you forget someone that made such an impact on your life?

I have mentioned before , that forgetting is such a bitch. Its too damn hard. Its not like its as easy as deleting their pictures on your phone or PC or profile. Trying to "purge" someone out of your system is more harder than trying to stop smoking..or taking drugs....or both.

To not care, hell, to not even give a damn about someone that meant to you so much and that has done so much in your life is not a very simple nor easy task. But it has to be done. No matter how hard it is or how painful, it has to be done.

Problem is that even if you did manage to forget someone, there are alot of things in the world that can make you remember them.

A song, a comic, a certain food, a certain smell, a restaurant, a movie, a certain colour, a cartoon character, an animal, an action figure, a hobby, a pastry, certain clothing, a certain date, a certain month, a certain event, a TV show, a cartoon, a cartoon character.

Lots and lots and lots of stuff.

I wish it was easy as storing things away. That all of the memories can be just boxed up and put away into the deepest and darkest part of your closet along with the other mementos.

Its not as if all of the memories were bad though.

The computer crashed. BSOD. I couldnt save anything. All the files have been destroyed. Gone.

Find a restore point prior to everything that happened. Clean slate. Start and write another story.

If it were just that easy.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Revelations v2

I didn't expect it. But out of the blue, she came out of the woodwork and started talking to me.

...and then she proceeded to tell me the things I needed to hear almost a year and two months ago.

But now knowing the truth...it all just makes me feel so worse.

It's...just so unfair. Everything feels so fucking unfair.

I don't regret the fact that I did let her go..in order to chase her dream in another country. I am proud to say that I was very supportive. But how the whole thing ended up, it seems just so one-sided. That she suddenly changed into something so drastic, that she decided that of all the other people that shouldn't be part of her future....I was it. That I was the expandable one. Im not conceited enough to think that I shouldn't be expendable but I just thought that with all the things we went through together, I thought I'd be the last one on that expendable list.

I have been at my best behavior. I have been good. And yet, somehow, life fucks me up. That when I thought I have found something beautiful and permanent, life just fucks me up and screws me over with this.

It makes me feel so worthless.

It's 4am (where she is) and she's prolly sound asleep. It's 2am where I am and I'm wide awake, tears in my eyes, cursing my fate.


Revelations.



Redacted

After viewing and re-reading it over and over I decided to remove this entry.

I was hurt and yes a bit mad  and was emotionally unstable as I wrote it. it may have prolly been misread by people.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Musings.

"It's her loss, not yours."

Alot of friends and family has told me and will prolly keep on telling me this. But it doesn't feel that way. It feels the other way around. She meant everything...she was everything to me...I don't really know if she felt the same way. I wish I could say yes...but with how things are its likely a "no".

I mean who am I to be even considered someone's "loss"..? It's pretty obvious (at least to her) that I am no one important. I have no work at the moment as I have a heart condition. What have I got to be considered someone's loss? I am nothing I have nothing.

Really.

If it is her loss and not mine then why am I the one feeling  so empty? Why am I the one who can't sleep at night?


~ ~ ~


I have no idea what to do next. I mentioned this a few posts back. But I think that it's more likely that I have no motivation to do something...anything at all.

It feels like I've wasted money by not being able to put to practical use the things I've learnt from baking class. I have not baked a thing since the accreditation test (fuck, I don't even know where that paper where it says I passed is). I haven't even contacted the school with regards to my "diploma" since I wasn't able to join the "graduation" due to health issues.

It feels like I can't even bake a simple thing like a bread roll despite having the tools to do so. Slowly and surely, I think all the baking knowledge I had learned will just go and escape me.

I just have the strength and will to do anything else. Of course I am not content with my situation, who doesn't? But I just feel like nothing. It takes a great deal to just get out of bed. If I didn't need to go eat or go to the bathroom then I could just stay in bed the whole day. It's not laziness. It's something else.


~ ~ ~


I don't know how to feel anymore.

When I'm on Facebook and talk to my friends, I act okay. I share and post stupid things just to make sure that the act has a strong foundation. I figured i'd spare them all of how pathetic I am and how pathetic I feel right now.

On Tumblr...if they could ever go visit it, they'd think I was borderline suicidal. I might be. I dunno.

It has been a year and I am still in the same place I was....with the same confusion and depression. Last year was prolly the worst year of my life. This year started the same. So you have to forgive me if I don't see the positivity of it all.

Even my bestfriend, who is just living in the same subdivision as I am, doesn't know what to do with me.

It sucks. But that's how it is...and that's how I am right now. I know no one will and prolly can save me. I can't even save me from myself.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Of my heart and mind.

Its hard to try to "reboot" or "re-write" yourself.

The heart and mind are two greatly different things. The heart wants what the heart wants. The mind is constantly thinking of both reasons why and why not the heart should get what it needs to have.

I really do not want to "re-write" my heart. My mind is at a loss on what to do.

I know what my heart wants but unfortunately, it cannot get it. It knows the pain and suffering but it still goes on and beats. And it beats for what it wants..who it wants.

The mind is at a loss at this. It also has known pain and suffering but in its recesses, it also agrees with the heart.

There's alot of back and forth thinking and arguing between the two. That has been alot of sleepless nights for me.

The mind sees the heart in pain and it lies to it. It lies to try to ease the hearts' pain. But the mind itself isn't convinced of the lie. It still hopes like the heart does. And when the mind hopes, the heart follows suit. Despite pain and suffering, the abandonment, the lack of truth and transparency. The mind and the heart still hope.

It's hard to try and stop the two from doing what they're doing. But I won't try. I will let them be. I will not lie to the feelings I have, to the feelings my heart and my mind have. But in order for me to not be hurt, I shall bury it deep down. I shall only leave a slight glimmer of hope. Until the fuel for it comes and releases the two when hope becomes truth.

I will go on my way. I will do what I do.

But my heat...it will want what it wants...who it wants. Until the truth comes and either gives what it wants or fully deny it.

I am prepared. My heart is prepared.

My mind....is doubtful but it says it'll see us all through.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Despondency.

I'm trying to do the best damage control to stop me from doing...things.

It wouldn't have been so messy, so complicated and an annoyance (which I think this is how you see it, just an annoyance...that i'm an annoyance)...if things have just been said and explained. That if the truth had just been opened up rather than just trying to keep pushing it away at arms length, things would've prolly been so different.

But that didn't happen.

I can get really emotional...and that is true. But if I have been not kept out of the dark, I might have not been so. I would not mind being chosen over something more important (to you or to your future), as long as i'm told the reasons for it. Being told that I have been chosen over for family matters...or even another person..would've been more acceptable.

One of the most persisting line of thought that always goes through my head is that I wasn't even worth an explanation, a real honest explanation of why and how things turned out the way they did. That in some cases, other people knew more than me.

I have never felt so...used and thrown away. I know i'm not that good a person...but i'm thinking I wasn't that bad enough a person to have something done like that to me. Am I really that bad a person to deserve such a thing done to him? I mean, in trying to take care not to hurt me, you have hurt me more than every way possible.

But.
I acknowledge the fact that I have not been the best boyfriend. I have already mentioned that via the emails and messages. That I had lapses of judgement. That I had been an ass at times. But I tried, Lord knows, I tried to make things better...fun...beautiful...because you deserved it. And when I saw you, I thought you were happy and content. Was I wrong?

By not telling me anything important, anything that I needed to hear. It made me feel so invaluable. That the past 3 years was just something easy to be discarded away ..something easy to forget...that those 3 years didn't matter at all...that I didn't matter at all.

I do not know...what else could I have done? If I  packed some stuff and went to where you were at the time, would I have been welcomed? Would you even try to see me at all? Would that have made any difference? I did not know, I do not know. You weren't telling me anything.

You were my everything. I didn't leave anything at all for myself. That's prolly one wrong move on my part, not leaving enough for me. But despite all of that, there is still one part of me wanting to be there for you. My friends have been telling me over and over that it was/is such a bad idea. That I am setting myself up for another round of pain and disappointment. I didn't listen of course.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I have no idea where I'm going. Just waking up and greeting the day is just so draining. When I do wake up, try to come up with how to be useful around the house and not trying be such a burden. I am so lost and in pain.


Thursday, June 26, 2014

Here's the thing..

I just want to be happy.

I just wanted to be happy.

Yet I am left with pieces of my broken self and sanity.

It's as if every and any attempt I make, it ends up blowing in my face. The more I become happy, the more that something bad happens. To the point that, I'm afraid to pursue happiness anymore.

I am stuck.

I have no idea what to do next.

I have been left to tend for myself and I have no idea what to do.

At this stage of my life, I should be more or less stable and have an inkling to getting to where I am going. But as circumstances would happen and life being unfair, I am stuck with this. With nothing. With words full of emptiness and empty promises. With doubts. With fear. With the knowledge of being abandoned by people who thought meant the world to you.. With the notions that things wont get any better.

Despite being told the opposite, I still have my doubts that things will ever get better.

This Humpty Dumpty fell down as his wall crumbled from the bottom and all the Kings men couldn't put this Humpty Dumpty together again.


Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Let's Talk Movies!: How To train Your Dragon 2



Wow.

Just wow.

I am almost out of words on how I love this film so much.

I absolutely stayed away from trailers and any kind of news for this movie for so long. It's not that I wasn't interested. I just want to come in and watch this movie without any expectations. It wasn't long until I got to watch a trailer of it though as it was shown before the screening of Edge Of Tomorrow.

It was fantastic! And using "Kings And Queens" by 30Seconds To Mars as its background music was awesome as well. The trailer itself spoiled something important and relevant to the movie but for me, it made me want to watch this movie more.

STORY
(as always, no spoilers)

The movie begins 5 years after the first one. Berk has now fully embraced the idea of being with dragonkind. They have even made a sport, Dragon Racing, and constructed a big stable to fully cement their relationships with their dragons.

While everyone is Dragon Racing, Hiccup has been travelling around with Toothless. Discovering new lands, people and dragons. He has a more mature look and seemingly made his own personal armor that allows him to fly (glide actually) with Toothless. During his travels however, he meets up with his long-lost mother. His mother, who was presumed dead, has been living as somewhat of a hermit along with a vast array of dragons as well as an Alpha dragon called a Bewilderbeast.

Things get hairy when they meet Drago Bludvist, who appears to have a vast army and his own Bewilderbeast. A bloodthirsty conqueror, he will stop at nothing to gain control of dragonkind.


Toothless in "How To Train Your Rider To Fly Like A Dragon"


REVIEW

This movie does not disappoint. This is a perfect shining example on how you should do a movie sequel. I loved the first movie. It was brilliant and to be honest who doesn't love dragons? Kids of all ages and also the kids at heart love dragons...and moreso love the prospect of being able to have and train one.

I love the sequel even more. It has alot of things fans of the movie (and books too) would love. It continues the story of the first without making major changes. Then it adds more to the HTTYD movie lore with the inclusion of Hiccup's mom (How They Met The Dragon Tamers Mother, cue in theme song). Which I think that is great. I mean, we barely really get to know what happened to her during the first movie

Unfortunately, I have to be honest about it. I haven't read any of the books so I don't really have any comparisons to offer. But often times, the movies really do have differences from their books since alot of directors/producers/script writers are given freedom to change things as they see fit. Sometimes it doesn't work out well.

One of things I love about most in the movie is how they made Hiccup look to be more ingenious and crafty. First is his armor who has more pockets than Batman's utility belt. I loved how he has all those compartments in it. It hides alot of stuff that is helpful to him as he travels around. Also the armor has made him able to glide with Toothless. Second is his flame sword. I mean c'mon! A Flame Sword? That's pretty awesome! The sword has several attachments too, Hiccup more or less puts his knowledge of dragons to good use. Last is his peg leg. In the first movie it was somewhat crude but for the sequel it has been upgraded. It has a "Flying" (for which he can guide Toothless' fin with) and "Ground" (for walking) mode now which kinda made sense.

The story was great. It's action packed but it also has its drama. There was never a dull moment for me. If you haven't watched the first movie then it's alright. The sequel doesn't really alienate new viewers. Also (and it's not that much of a spoiler) there's was a point in the movie where it made me cry and from then on, I couldn't stop crying. Maybe it's prolly just me but some of the drama scenes have the power to invoke such emotions. Trust me.

It is the movie to watch if you don't know what movie to watch. And is definitely worth a re-watch too. I honestly recommend everyone to watch this one and re-watch it if you have time. For me, it is one of the best movies this year.


Besides, how can you not like this guy?





Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Let's Talk Movies!: Edge of Tomorrow



As usual, i'll make this as spoiler-free as possible. I will also try not to compare the movie to the manga/light novel it was adapted from, "All You Need Is Kill". But if you haven't read that one then I suggest you do because it's a good read and frankly, we all need a good read nowadays.

I first heard about this movie when I was browsing about news from SDCC (San Diego Comic Con) 2013. There was a panel and a first look for the movie and there were posters. I must admit the posters looked very cool. It was Tom, some guy in an exo suit and Emily. I didn't know that the movie was based on a manga until a few weeks ago. I have even read the FCBD (Free Comic Book Day) comic of All You Need Is Kill (with Terra Formars) when you flipped it) and it still hasn't dawned on me. So with that revelation I rewatched the official trailer and it looked more enticing to watch. I have also read both the light novel and the manga and they were awesome too.

~
The SDCC 2013 Posters

The Story:

Earth is at war. Aliens called "Mimics" have invaded the planet and it seemed like Humanity is fighting a lost cause. But with the creation of combat exo suits they call "Jackets", it seems that Humanity now has a chance. Major William Cage (Tom Cruise) is all over the news telling people about the war and how we are able to defeat these Mimics. He also tells war stories and in particular about a soldier named Rita Vrataski (Emily Blunt), who has become face of the war due to her success at the Battle of Verdun.

Unfortunately for Cage, he is sent from his comfy chair to the frontlines just before the big attack called Operation: Downfall. He was very hesitant about this since he doesn't have any combat expertise and experience. He tries to blackmail his way out of it which in turn gets him arrested and brands him as a deserter. So he gets shipped off to the FOB (Forward Operating Base) and is introduced to J-squad.

The day of the attack and Cage is a fish out of water. Utter chaos and death was all around. He rejoins J-squad but is then ambushed by Mimics. He meets his demise when he encounters and kills a really weird and big Mimic. But to his surprise, he wakes up on the same place at the same spot at the FOB.

From there he tries to go day-to-day trying to survive and find a way to end the war and the loop.

~

It's called a TIME LOOP and not necessarily TIME TRAVEL....and my views on the movie, actors, effects and whatnot~


Contrary to what other people had mentioned. The story isn't about time travel but rather a deviation of it which is the time loop. There have been alot of movies that have used this as their plot device Bruce Willis was in two which are 12 Monkeys and Looper and then my one of my favorite movies, Groundhog Day which starred Bill Murray.

Anyway.

To be honest, I was expecting a typical Tom Cruise film of action and romance. Almost always we get the same treatment from his movies...except the one (Collateral) where he plays a bad guy opposite Jamie Foxx. This film was no different. It had Cruise, it had action, it had Cruise running, it had Cruise grinning like an idiot.  It was fun to see Cruise's character trying not to die for each loop he goes back to and on how he tries to convince everyone else that the day already happened and it's not going to end well.

The surprise for me was Emily Blunt. She isn't really an action star. In this movie however, she held her own. She really looked good moving, jumping about killing Mimics left and right. I think she has a future being an action star.  And did I mention she was pretty hot?


Yeap, she is pretty hot.


The story was really something old and new at the same time. Time loops have been used before in many movies but it wasn't prolly used like they used it in Edge of Tomorrow. Add in an alien invasion and uber cool technology in the mix then I guess it is something fresh for movie-goers to see.

The Mimics were actually done well. They really looked like something out of this world and very menacing. They move like a small ball of thorns and have lighting quick reflexes and when they die, the light goes out from them and they just sort of freeze up.

The "Jackets" that they used in the movie looked like the ones they used in The Matrix albeit a more "compact" version. Its weird how even with jackets making them a one man army killing machine, they still cant totally fend off the Mimics. Anyway, seeing the jackets in action was prolly the best times of the movie. Bonus fact: they are in process of making actual combat exo suits at the moment.


An example of a "Jacket".....and another excuse to post a pic of Emily Blunt.


All in all, Edge of Tomorrow is a good action movie. It has good actors, it has a good story and has some good action. It has some humor in it too so that's a bonus. However, they do have some plot holes that makes you question a few stuff in the movie. I won't spoil/tell you though. You have to watch it for yourself. 

Friday, May 23, 2014

Let's Talk Movies! X-Men: Days of Future Past (Spoiler-free!)



Wolverine: "Hey..Mystique...did the Professor just fart fire?"

When they announced that they were going to do the DoFP storyline for the next X-men movie. Alot of comic fans (me included) were both excited and curious. Excited because if they're going to follow the story from the comics then its going to be uber awesome. Curious because IF they're going to follow the story from the comics  then you wondered how they were going to pull it off since it was going to be a sequel to First Class and Kitty Pryde wasn't in FC...and of course, Sentinels.


Hey! This isn't the Blue man group!


In the following weeks and months before the movie was shown,  we were treated with tons of pics of the movie. The one above shows the Sentinels. Now....alot of comicbook fans were doubtful of these Sentinels mostly because of how they looked. But they do explain why the Sentinels are like that in the movie (so you better listen closely!).

On the left: original cover of the comic On the right: fan-made for the movie

Anyway, the story of the movie is quite simple. The whole film starts in the future where mutants and people who help them are killed/imprisoned in a world run by Sentinels/Nimrods (they're not called that in the movie and they're far from what the Nimrods look like in the comics but meh). A group of surviving X-men has come up with a plan which involves sending Wolverine back in time to stop the future of Sentinel overlords from ever happening. Of course there's a whole lot more than just that but that's what watching the movie is for.

~

Why was Wolverine sent back and not Kitty .

When I heard that it was Wolverine and not Kitty that was going back to the past like what happened in the comics, I was a bit confused at first as to why they would do that. But naturally they would try to do some liberties and deviate from the comics a little bit. It made sense because Kitty Pryde wasn't even in First Class and trying to retcon the whole thing to make it appear like she was sounds stupid. Wolverine is a well-known character. Alot of people can identify who he is and let's face it X-men: Days of Future Past would sell more tickets if Wolverine is in it because frankly he's a cash cow. Also he WAS in FC albeit in a small cameo so having Wolvie go back in time rather than Kitty work.

~

Sentinels.

So..yea..Sentinels man...

As mentioned above, their is a specific reason as to why the Sentinels from the past look the way they do. The Sentinels of the future (which I shall now call Nimrods even if they don't resemble them) look more sleekier and maybe a bit organic. A BIG upgrade from their past counterparts. Sure, sure when they said Sentinels we were all thinking the same thing.


"Maybe if I stay still...no one would notice i'm hiding behind this building..."

^ That. We were all thinking they would be bringing those in..or maybe actual Nimrods or maybe that single sentinel head they showed us in that one X-men film I won't mention. But hey, for me, the new Sentinels work. Watching them move around and well, do what they do (*wink*), they looked pretty awesome. Their designs have purpose. It would've been quite awesome and nostalgic to see the cartoon Sentinels we grew up watching come alive on the big screen but I can settle for these Sentinels...for now maybe.

~

DinklagePeterDinklagePeterDinklagePeterDinklage.
I make this movie look gooood...

Okay. So Bolivar Trask created the Sentinels and when they picked Peter Dinklage, I didn't really see him as the character. But after seeing the movie, I changed my mind. Peter Dinklage did a wonderful job playing as Trask. Sure he lacked the height but the way he talked, the way he presented himself...it just felt right. I think I like his Trask than the comic one.

...as for the rest of the cast...

Well, there's a reason why I chose the picture above. The reason being that these two characters, Quicksilver and Blink, are the characters I found super awesome in the movie.

To be honest, I doubted and joked about how Quicksilver looked. He looked like a male version of Ramona Flowers. Yes, he didn't looked like comic Pietro at all (he also went by the name Peter) and also didn't act like a pompous ass like the Quicksilver we know but seeing him zoom around left and right was fantastic. Unfortunately, he doesn't have much screen time but he made do with what he had..trust me.

Blink on the other hand, had a little more screen time than Quicksilver as being among one opf the X-survivors in the future. They did well with Blink. From casting the actor to her mutant powers and also on how she uses them. Sure she didn't look like her comic counterpart like almost everyone else but you'll get past that once you see her in action. Really. Also i'm glad to have found out that Fan Bingbing (who plays Blink) will be appearing on the next four(!) X-men films. Good news indeed.

As for the rest of the motley crew. We have: Bishop, Kitty, Iceman, Warpath, Sunspot, Colossus, Storm, Wolverine, Magneto, Prof. X, Beast and Mystique. That's a whole alot of mutants already. Pretty solid roster too. But there are still more mutants that are present in the film. I'll just let you guys guess who they are and let you enjoy a who's-who of cameos, mutant and non-mutant (but still part of the X-Universe) alike.

I was happy with the roster they came up with and how their powers were portrayed. Bishop looked like Bishop and his mutant power (which is the ability to absorb energy and redirect it) didn't deviate from the comics...and yes, he also had a big gun. Warpath looked more like his recent X-force costume which I think is okay since it blends well with the costume motif of black(LOL). He was pretty much a sensor and scout than the big bodied brawler he is in the comics but I guess with Colossus already in the film then I guess it was okay. Sunspot, however, looked more like Human Torch than Sunspot. I guess portraying him like that is way easier to explain his power than what he really looks like. Wolverine is still Wolverine. He's been in all X-men movies and that's the only thing i'll say about him.

As for Charles and Eric, seeing all the actors from the two films come together onscreen was glorious. The 
tandems of McAvoy/Fassbender and Stewart/McKellen were both great and did very well in reprising their roles. Although Fass-neto could've had a more better costume but hey, that's just me talking. Lastly, Jennifer Lawrence's Mystique sees a bit more action in this movie. Kicking butt, taking names AND identities as well. I do find her Mystique red hair a bit....weird and off though.

If you're wondering where's the rest of the gang from First Class, try to look out for it in the movie. It's explained in it as well.

~

What else can I say?

I am a big X-men fan and despite alot of people not liking the movies, I love those movies as well....maybe to a certain degree. Days of Future Past is a good X-men movie. They could have done a few things a bit better but the things they did was already okay. Sure it's not the DoFP that we comic fans know and love but it's close. It feels like riding the same rollercoaster at a different theme park/carnival. It's something old but you get something new.

If you've watched all of the X-movies or at least First Class then you won't be lost on who's who. But seriously, I am suggesting that you DO watch ALL the X-movies (yes, that includes Wolverine's movies as well) AND X-men First Class to really get the into what's-what in Days of Future past. Also, you will be able to figure out a ton of easter eggs that's in the movie. Some are too obvious while some aren't. And yes, there IS a post credits scene...BUT if you're not familiar with the X-universe then you won't prolly understand what's going on.

It's one of the good hero movies so far this year (at least for me) and maybe one of the best X-movies so far (yes, I loved X1). Whether you're a comics fan or movie-verse fan, it's still a great movie to watch and most definitely will leave you craving for more.

Friday, May 16, 2014

One Year.

One year has passed since...everything...all started.

 May last year was pretty confusing for me.


Sunday, March 30, 2014

Relapse.

A few days after my birthday I began to experience stomach pain. I attributed it to the lots of drinking and eating that happened the past few days. I didn't think it would be anything but just an upset stomach.

I was wrong.

Days before the last baking class, I was already experiencing more pain than ever and have been having sleepless nights because of it. One thing I dreaded was the fact that I was having trouble breathing again. Just moving a little would make me loss breath alot and that worried me.

On the morning of the last Baking Class, I was still feeling pain but when I ate a little breakfast it went away. I was still experiencing lossness of breath though but I still managed to drive to class. However I knew I was in trouble when just going from the car to the building where we held class almost took out everything from me. I tried to compose my self as I went thru the door and tried to sleep it off before class started.

I managed to prepare the ingredients we needed that day but after that I was out of breath and again and tired. Our instructor noticed that I was looking a bit pale than usual. I just told them I just came from being sick and continued to sit and rest but our instructor said that I was really looking paler than usual even for her. She even told me to just go home and rest so that I can attend the graduation.

I said no but I wished I said yes.

Lunchtime came and all I did was sleep. I thought sleeping would work and make me have enoguh strength to move about but as I went with my friends to eat out, walking from the building to the nearby mall took my breath away...literally. I was leaning near the entrance wall gasping for air. I tried to hide it but when youre gasping for air people would notice. My friends got worried but I just told them I needed air. I was drenched in cold sweat, something was definitely wrong. I let my friends go on and eat lunch and after a few minutes I followed them and ordered fries and a burger which I couldnt even finish.

On the way back I was feeling a bit okay. I was so wrong. As we got near our building I almost couldnt walk nor talk. I let my friends go on to class as I tried to get myself to the veranda and sit myself down to rest. It took alot of my strength just to get to that place and it was just so near. I was feeling bad and I could feel it getting worse. I sat there for almost 5 minutes before heading into class.

My friends were already busy making the recipe and stuff. I noticed they were talking to the instructor about me and when she saw me, she exclaimed I was paler than ever and insisted I go home. I didn't say no this time around. As I was packing my things and apologizing to my friends for leaving I noticed I was feeling light-headed. Good thing our instructor noticed that too and said, "Can you even drive in your condition? D'you need someone to drive you?". Before I could answer someone already volunteered and then someone else would be driving behind us so they can go back to class after.

I appreciated that my friend drove me home. She prolly didnt notice but I was trying not too look to sick or pale so she wont be worried while driving. In truth, I thought I was going to throw up because of what I felt that day. We got home okay and I said my thanks as they drove back to class. I immediately slumped over the living room sofa. The pain was really beginning to hurt and not only was I almost always out of breath, it really felt hard to move around.

I missed my baking class graduation because of it and I regret every minute of not being able to attend.

The day after class, I couldn't bear the pain any longer. It has now moved to the left side of my body. I asked my brother to get me to the hospital. By the wee early hours of that monday, I was already admitted in the hospital and was being stuck by needles and given medicine.There was this one time I was in so much pain, I was literally screaming. They gave me novaine [? dont know how it was spelled] for the pain and I was out like a light. That is until they woke me up for 2-d echo tests, ultrasound, x-ray, etc.

The before I got out they told me I had Gallstones. That they were the one causing me pain BUT they wont be doing anything to them unless they fix my heart condition first. With that my fear was made true. It was back. The dilated cardiomyopathy in 2007 was back. With a vengeance as they discovered blood clots in my heart.

Relapse.

To be honest, I was scared. That at any time those clots can go and block thing that can make my heart cease to function. I just turned 30, I thought, it cant end like this. My cardio was more optimistic than I was of course. He prescribed me with enough medicine and a diet to help me out.

After almost a week being in the hospital, I finally got out. I know face the demons I fought almost 7 years ago. This time though, I'm all alone.

Mom's in the US. Wiya is gone. She....left before everyone else did.

I guess its a good thing my older bro was here else i'd be totally alone with no direct support. That wouldve sucked, being all alone. Then again Ive been literally been alone ever since anyway.

I always thought that my heart condition would come back to haunt me but I never thought that it would be this early and be this worse. I am now on a strict diet and have more medication than Wiya had when she was still around. It makes me feel like an 80 year old man.

The worst thought I have is that what if everyone went out and I was all by myself and I suddenly suffer a stroke?

That would really suck.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

The Fight is Over.







When the fighting is over
Coz our mouths have just run dry
As our feelings get colder
There's nothing to hold us now
Gave all this time just to be let down

Can you explain to me?
What has become of us?
With words released
We can never take them back
Not even pleading can save us

I know you'll meet someone better
But would you still think of me
If he can't hold you like I did
Would you run back to me?
Yes, I know this pain shall pass
Gave all this time still we couldn't last

Explain to me
What has become of us?
With words released
We can never take them back
For all that were worth now
Not even pleading can save us

How did we end this way?
Our promises thrown away
All the years we built, broken up
See it crashing down
I have to say
Though alone in this crazy sea of faces
It's still your face I wanna know

Explain to me
What has become of us?
With words released
We can never take them back
For all that were worth now
Not even pleading can save us
Can't save us now

The fighting is over
The fighting is over
The fighting is over
The fighting is over now...

Thursday, March 6, 2014

30.

This wasn't how envisioned  how things will be when I turn 30.

I thought that i'd have a stable job at someplace nice. I thought i'd be married or engaged. I thought Wiya would still be there to cook me my 30th bday spaghetti.

But as it was made evident to me  months ago. Things change. People change. Everything changes.

~

Age is just a number.

I think that proves true for me since obviously I don't act my age. But it isn't an indicator that I'm not serious. I can be when needed...when I want to. But I'm just not that kind of guy.

Then again..being 30 makes you think.

That I am not that young anymore. And that most men in the family don't reach their late 40's [Dad died in his mid-30s and his brother, my uncle, died around his mid-40s].

Will I suffer the same fate?

~

I don't really know what's the next step for me now.

Sure, I have my options..both have their pros and cons. But I'm still at a loss.

These are the times when Wiya will talk me through what to do next. But she's gone.

Most of my loved people have either gone and /or left me.

That's how being 30 feels like to me.

Empty.




Sunday, March 2, 2014

Wiya.

I'm not even sure how it came about but we have been calling her "Wiya" ever since we were small. It's a name that is a far cry from her real name "Trinidad".

But we called her so. And we will still keep calling her by that name till we too have passed.

~

I can't really recall my earliest memory of her but we did have a lot of fun and fond memories.

During summer break from grade school, she would go and tell us to make money by selling ice candy or pastillas. Of course she made all the ice candy and pastillas by herself. I tried helping but the chubby kid I was back then, I end up eating most of it.

We did make some money which we prolly spent on Jollibee [Wiya obviously added more money for that to be possible.

With that beginning, I sort of "branched out" and tried selling my NBA cards around my neighborhood. My uncle had a sign made so that I can hang it on our gate. It wasn't that much good a venture as most kids would want to trade but it was fine. Wiya was happy I was keeping myself busy like that.

~

I also remember that Wiya started my love for reading.

She was a very avid reader herself and had a ton of books and novels. Sometimes she comes home from her teaching job at Feati University with a plastic bag containing Tintin graphic novels and/or Archie comics. Me and my brother almost completed all of the Tintin books via Wiya.

When I got a bit older, Wiya and I would go to the local mall and hit up the nearby Booksale. She would go browse the Novels section while I perused the bargain comics bins. In fact, we did that at every Booksale we went to. Even up to the point before she got really sick. Whenever we went to a mall, we would go straight for Booksale or if it was a mall we havent been to then we'd go find if there was a Booksale in it.

I owe my love of reading to her. And reading has opened up new worlds for me and managed to broaden my horizons.

Going into a Booksale will never be the same again for me. I'll be always looking over the aisles and over the books and look for Wiya as she looked over what books to buy.

~

She also jump started my Music collection which in turn jump started my love for music.

It's true that my Dad introduced me and my siblings to music via The Beatles and that my Uncle [his brother] introduced me to a whole wide variety of genres. But it was Wiya who contributed to the small collection of cassettes I have.

My Dad and Uncle had a BIG music library ranging from Vinyl to Cassettes to CD's. So it was only naturally that I was jealous since my collection/library was at most just 4 cassettes. But Wiya changed that. Everytime we went to a mall [on weekends], she'd let me buy one or two cassettes. That really got me into alot of good music. This was around early to mid 90's.

~

When my Uncle died, I quit my job in Pampanga and moved back in with Wiya. My Uncle was the only family she had left as my Lolo and Dad years ago. So it was now my time to take care of her. But as it always would happen, she ended up taking care of me.

As the weeks went by, she prolly noticed how bored and unproductive I was. Wiya didn't want me to be so stagnant. She told me that I was young and that I should be going out there doing something. "What do you want to do?" she asked me.

At the time, digital photography was still just starting and as I browsed the web and read articles and marveled at the pictures, I told her that I wanted to get into photography. I was hesitant though since the gear was a bit costly. But she got me the gear and enrolled me to a photography class to boot.

I was glad that she did what she did. Photography has opened alot of doors and options for me during that time. I met alot of new people, made alot of new friends, went to alot of new places I thought I never could go, I took alot of great pictures. I don't shoot as much as before but I still loved taking pictures. Wiya always told me to have my shots printed and kept in an album. Unfortunately my hard drive crashed before I could do so. But seeing her happy and marveling at my shots even if they're crappy felt really, really good.

~

She also loved watching sitcoms.

She loved watching Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother and Glee. She utterly loved NCIS though. she'd watch it over and over.

We'd always go and talk about what happened next episode since I watch episodes more earlier than cable tv here airs them.

She usually watched them till she fell asleep.

We even got cable tv hooked up when we had her over when she got sick then we'd watch her shows.

~

A little more recently, I let her meet a girl which she absolutely adored. She treated this girl like a granddaughter and was always welcome at her house.

She then found out about the future plans me and the girl had and she was extremely happy and excited.

But things don't go as planned.

I was left alone with alot of questions in my head. It was really a bad time for me. But Wiya was there for me and comforted me. And like she told me before, she didn't want me to be so stagnant and unproductive. Moreso wallowing in depression and despair. So she told me to just continue with the future plans sans the girl. She would be more than happy to shoulder the expenses.

And with that, I started taking up Baking Classes from one of the best teachers/mentors around.

She was still staying in Manila at the time and I always made sure to ask my instructors if the baked goods we made would be still good enough to eat a few days after we made it so that Wiya can taste them. She managed to taste a few of them before she got really, really sick.

But a few days before she left us. I managed to tell her about my progress and how I'll be graduating soon. I noticed she tried blinking her eyes and she was moving her mouth or at least trying to as if she was trying to say something. I knew she heard me at the time and that she understood. I wish I could have heard how proud she was of me.

Recently, the whole class underwent TESDA certification and by hard work we all passed. It was nerve-wracking for me but I knew that somewhere Wiya was there guiding me along.

~

As you have prolly noticed, you might be thinking one thing. Wiya spoiled me. Well not only me but me and her siblings. I think that's a given since we were the only "direct" grandkids she had. And isn't it part of being a grandparent to spoil their grandkids?

Despite the fact that she spoiled me, she also raised me to not be a brat..a spoiled rotten brat. of course I grew up to be somehting else but at least it wasn't that something that Wiya didn't want me to be.

Also, Wiya supposrted me in everything that I did and wanted to do. And I do mean everything. No matter how far fetched or stupid it was. She was always there to back me up. She was always there to pick me up when I fell. She was always there to comfort me when I was down. The point is, she was always there for me.

Now...she's gone.

It was all too fast.

I didn't even get to say a proper goodbye.
I didn't even get to apologize for my faults.
I didn't get to say that I love her very much.

I miss her. Alot. Her smile. Her laugh. How she suddenly just sings out of nowhere. How she playfully says "And sooo..".

The house feels so empty. I feel so empty.

But I am comforted by the fact that she's in a way better place than I am now. And that she's finally resting and without pain. And that she is now with Lolo, Dad and Uncle along with ALOT of our old dogs.

Wherever you are Wiya. Please continue to be there for me. I am getting older myself and I need guidance now more than ever. Feel free to visit me or my dreams at any time. i am open to talking with you and catching up.

I'll be with you soon enough.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Valentines.

It gives me an excuse to drink.

Happy Valentines Day to everyone else then. Me and Allan sincerely hope you are enjoying today happily.

Monday, February 10, 2014

The Catastrophic History of You & Me.

It was a very good read.

If you've had you're heart broken, then you can connect with the story...or the character's feelings.

Either way it's an enjoyable trip of all those feelings/emotions you have when someone you hold dear decides to just go.

But it also teaches that everything...and everyone has their reasons for doing things...whether or not they tell you ..or not.

EDIT:

Some quotes I liked in the book.

~ “my heart didn't fail, someone failed my heart.”

~ “Turns out, hell's not so much a burning, scalding pit of fire and misery. It's actually much, much worse than that. Hell is when the people you love the most reach right into your soul and rip it out of you. And they do it because they can.”

~ “The problem is, there is absolutely nothing "fun" about falling in love. Nope. Mostly it just makes you feel sick and crazy and anxious and nervous that it's going to end miserably and ruin your whole life. And guess what: Then it does.”

~ “Sometimes, remembering hurts too much.”

~ “But the sort of sucky thing is, time doesn’t necessarily heal all wounds. Sometimes, it just makes the wounds worse.”

~ “All of a sudden I felt invisible. Forgotten. Like the universe had played a really mean practical joke on me, even though I've never done anything to deserve it.”

~ “You did love me,' I whispered. 'Just not the same way I loved you.'





Friday, February 7, 2014

Failure.



I have been seeing how my beautiful granma deteriorates with each passing day and it pains me on how I can do nothing but watch.

It makes me feel like such a failure.

As I sit alone in my room..My mind goes blank and is suddenly filled with thoughts and feelings...I am reminded how much of a failure I have been.

I failed to get into schools that my parents and family wanted on two occasions. [Highschool and College]
I have failed to live to the expectations my parents have of me.
I have failed numerous people..friends, relatives ...be it broken promises or lies or just me being such an asshole.
I have failed to stick to the diet I was given to help me with my condition..
..and I have also failed to drink my maintenance meds..in fact there were months where I didn't drink any of them at all.
I have failed in finding any kind of regularity in terms of occupation.
I have failed in saving and maintaining the only good relationship I've had.
I am so close to failing and breaking my "I don't smoke anymore" promise.

Everything that has been happening has been out of my hands lately. It's so uncontrollable. The only thing I can do is just sit and watch. Grin and bear it.

Nothing makes sense.

Even dulling my senses with a drink doesn't help anymore. I guess I am also a failure at that as well.


Thursday, January 30, 2014

Cancer.

Last year my granma was diagnosed with liver cancer.

She did not want chemo or laser[?] surgery so we opted for the oral med intake of what was supposed to be a "miracle drug but still a case-to-case basis" program.

My granma was one of those cases where it didn't work.

She is a sweet old woman. Ever since we were kids she has been there taking care of me and my siblings. She spoiled us alot... but that's what granparents do. We have always been grateful and appreciative of her.

That didn't change even when we all grew up. While my other siblings were set and focused on their life/future. I was still kind of wandering about..figuring out stuff. My granma was there to guide and support me. She was there to back me on most if not all of my ideas no matter how crazy it seemed. Because all she wanted was to see me happy. And with someone like that supporting me, how could I not be happy?

She was also there when I was at my lowest. First when I got really sick and got diagnosed with cardio myopathy. She always pestered me to drink my maintenance meds and always "controlled" my eating. And then, much recently [before she got diagnosed with cancer], when I told her that my ex had left me. It kind of hit her hard too. I mean my granma liked her alot. She thought she was perfect. When I told her, she just told me this: "I know you. Learn to forgive and forget. Sometimes that's just the way things are in life. It may not mean anything right now but maybe in the future it'll all make sense. I don't want to see you sad. Just go out and be happy."

Now, I cannot comprehend how this sweet kind old woman in her twilight years could have cancer.

She can barely walk and talk. There are times she almost doesn't eat. Her body has deteriorated and she looks like a shell of her former self.

The worse thing is that feeling of being so helpless. That you really can't do anything more to really help her. There have been times where I prayed and begged to have her sickness transferred to me. I don't know if I could handle it but all I know and all I want is to not see my granma this way. But of course it doesn't happen.

It's hard for me to see my last pillar of strength in such a condition. I wish I could do more. I wish that I could just take away the pain...the cancer.

It's just not fair.