Wednesday, July 4, 2018

holding pattern.

i picked myself up and put myself back together. it wasnt good as new but it was good enough.

unfortunately, on what i thought was supposed to be a good birth month, life threw me a curve ball. it hit me square in the center and shattered me and broke me in pieces. it took awhile to build myself back up from that and honestly, i wasnt the same despite how i looked on the outside.

things were going well, sure there were a few hiccups here and there, but its a process so it wasnt too much of surprise. but suddenly, as if right on cue, shit hit the fan.the owner of the hobby shop where i spent almost 4 years with,  decided to let go of the branch i work in.

to be honest, this has been a long time coming. what happened was nothing but simple mismanagement..as if its ever that simple.

again, i was hit right at the center and was shattered in a million pieces. right now, i just feel so discouraged and down.

a few of my friends see alot of things for me and its not that i dont see the opportunities, i see them as well, but im just too demotivated to do anything.

i loved being in the hobby business. i wish i could start my own but that needs money that i dont have. in order to get money, i need a job.

i dont know. maybe i need to be away for awhile.

Sunday, May 20, 2018

the cycle repeats.

its been awhile and its been getting hard to transfer my thoughts into words because theres alot of them waiting and wanting to be written.

life hasnt been nice this time around since the last post i made less than a year ago. healthwise, im fine. ive been taking my meds and i guess my diet is okay despite my weight going up and down. hopefully it gets to stay down. as for my relationship, well its done. i found out she was cheating on me and that was pretty much that.

so it feels like im back to square one just like i was two years ago.

there are times when things get bad, i just go and sob and cry. i cant stop it. i try my hard not to feel like this when im in public but it does come and go and it doesnt really pick a time when it does.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Update 2017

Well, im still here though. I just really havent found time and the words to put in here. Maybe.

But anyways, things have been going okay i guess. im still working at my friends' hobby shop. we went through/are going trhough a rough patch but im hopeful thing'sll turn around. people prolly thought about why im still there despite such things. well, i love being there despite stuff.

Unfortunately, i managed to get kidney stones a few weeks back and it was freaking upsetting and hard to go through. Add to the fact that i also found out that my blood sugar is TWICE than normal. So new medicine to take and new list of things not to/avoid to eat. As of today though, it has been well. i havent had a hard time that concerns with the kidney stones and i feel like my blood sugar is back on the level. Hopefully. I do dislike taking tests because im afraid of the results. But i do need to undergo them to know if im clear.

Also, im happy to say that i found someone or she found me...maybe..i think haha. But well, things have been going well with her and im glad. I thought ill be alone for a long time. But life really do surprise at times. This time it was a happy one which was good. Ive had it with sad surprises.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

the start of december.

so.

its already december. there are a few things happening this month. christmas is a given of course but theres also two weddings (my friends ' and my sisters) and the fact that years after going to the states, mom and the younger siblings are coming home for christmas AND new year. there also one more thing but i have doubts if its ever going to happen.

anyways. to a few things that already happened.

so a few months back, my friend announced he was getting married. he invited me and of course i told him i was going. it was actually the first time for me to go to a friends wedding. weeks after he announced (i...think?), he then told me that ill be one of his groomsmen. i was surprised because i didnt think id qualify.i was also nervous because it was first time to be a groomsman plus that i didnt own formal clothing (lol).

to be honest, i didnt know anyone in his wedding. sure there were a couple of old grade school people but i havent talked to anyone from my old school in years. especially the ones that were also invited. so i asked my bestfriend if she wanted to go with me ad i was surprised she said yes because well, i didnt think she'd wanted to go.

it was a pretty awesome wedding. my friend added a few video game and anime  songs in his wedding playlist that was played by this awesome string accompanied band. i also talked to my bestfriend about a few plans i was thinking up for my own wedding. though it doesnt really matter because i still have doubts id ever get married.

it was a good day but as soon i was about to sleep, i received a message from my bestfriend that said our good pal justin took his own life. i was extremely shocked. i went to his fb profile and saw a couple of posts about his death already. i was in denial. i kept asking myself if i was already asleep and was having a bad dream. i then broke down and cried and cried. i just couldnt believe that he just did what he did. he was already doing okay. hes gotten past a few of his problems and he has someone there to support and love him. it just didnt fit. he had two loving daughters and he always mentioned that he cant leave them alone. but, in the end, i guess he did.

i went to the first day of his wake. i was zoning out. i still cant believe he was lying in that casket infront of me. nobody saw this coming. he didnt show any signs. the only question i had was, why? sure, he wasnt a perfect person but he didnt have to go out the way he did. the whole ordeal was heavy on me. i didnt even go to the 2nd day and to his cremation. it was all just pretty unfair. then again, me of all people, should already know that life is really unfair. that it is cruel as it is beautiful. it made me ask the question again though, "why am i still here?".

will there be a day when ill also just snap like my friend and just end it? i must admit, the thought has crossed my mind alot of times.

~

im kind of hating myself right now because i was hoping for something to happen. i wasnt really promised anything. there wasnt really a confirmation that what was said was actually going to happen. but i still hoped. even when i felt like i didnt matter, i still hoped. im still hoping. im still waiting. it hurts.

Monday, November 7, 2016

November, november.

Who'd have thought the year would pass by fast (maybe not fast enough for some) and its just two more months before 2017. I'm not that excited...well, a little bit because of my birthday but then again, it'll be just the same so nothing really worth getting excited about.

The only thing I'm looking forward to are a few events on December.

First is the wedding of a friend of mine where it'll be my first time as a groomsman. I need to lose some weight and shave and get a haircut. There isn't much time as it's on the first week of December. The latter parts are easy but the losing weight part is dang hard. Why even? So that at least I can fit in formal wear. I don't even know where to get a coat and tie suit. I obviously don't have one so if I'm borrowing one then losing weight is a must in order to fit.

Second is the wedding of my younger sister. Again, i'll be more than just a guest. I'll be handling the rope..chain..thingie? Anyway, I also need to be clean-shaven and lose weight. I'm still not sure about what to wear.

The only thing I'm pretty excited about ...I mean really REALLY excited about is that my Mom and younger siblings would be home for Christmas AND New year! I haven't seen (well except on video calls) my younger siblings since they went to the US. I've missed them alot. Mom has been home a few times, I miss her too but we'd be complete this time around plus one (my sisters son, Ethan).

There's also one more thing but I'm not even sure if it's going to happen at all. I don't want to hope too much. And as much as I would love for it to happen, it's not really up to me. I'll just have to wait and see.

So from now till December, there's not going to be alot going on. Just the usual days I guess. Its not bad to hope for better days but it's disappointing when they don't happen. Nothing to do but grin and bear it.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

overkill.

I dont know where im going with this. This'll be more of like rambling than a decent post. I just wanted to write down some of the things in my head. I wish I could write in down in a more eloquent manner but theres just too much running around in my head.

There are alot of things I dont know. Things that a person my age should know. It scares me.

Maybe because im stuck right now. I have been for the longest time. And mostly, its all my fault.
Im not sure where to go though. Im not sure what to do. Im not even sure if things'll work out if I did now. Im not sure if im needed.  Im not sure. Im just not sure.

The only thing im sure of is that im a mess right now and trying to keep things together has been really hard. trying to make sense of it all makes it even harder.

I mean, you go out there everyday with good intentions, trying so hard to do your best. Then what happens? Shit. Thats what. Either you fuck things up yourself or someone does it for you.

I stopped dreaming for myself. I stopped having personal future goals. I know whats in store for me in the future. Nothing but disappointment. Just like what I am.

Im lost. Maybe I want to be found. Maybe not. I dunno. I mean, what then? What happens next if im found?

Its the uncertainty of it all. It makes me overthink too much.

Theres this heavy ache in me that never goes away.

Try to get something going. Try to have a routine.Try to do something. Try to be more positive.

Try to get a rhythm going. Have something to work on.

But why do I still feel empty.

I thought I was doing ok.

I thought I was ok.

I dunno if ill ever be ok.


Sunday, August 14, 2016

conversations and such

A few nights ago. I was talking with a friend of mine. I opened up to her as to how I'm not that much a nice person  that she sees me to be. As well as how I'm not that as happy as I look.

It was apparent how she got a bit frustrated on my stubbornness on things. As well as my pessimistic outlook. I told her that I've accepted the fact that things wont work out well for me and that it probably  never will.

Explaining to someone how you're happy but not "happy" happy is a bit hard. Kinda like saying you're okay but not okay. Like just somewhere in the middle. It's not really a definite answer but it sort of explains how things are. As vague as it is.

It's not that I don't feel happy when something good happens or I don't feel happy when I see my nephew or I don't feel happy when the shop has  a good day. It's just that. It's not the kind of happy that sticks. It's weird, I know, but that's how it feels. I know it probably confused my friend on how and why I feel like this even though she sees me all smiles and laughs when she visits the shop. But I think she understood, though I think she'd prefer me to at least try a little. I think friends who knows what's going on with me would also like that too.

I think I've already mentioned in a previous post that "Just existing" would be okay for me. It's just how it is. Until the day comes when i'd really feel happy...or not.