Thursday, August 17, 2017

Update 2017

Well, im still here though. I just really havent found time and the words to put in here. Maybe.

But anyways, things have been going okay i guess. im still working at my friends' hobby shop. we went through/are going trhough a rough patch but im hopeful thing'sll turn around. people prolly thought about why im still there despite such things. well, i love being there despite stuff.

Unfortunately, i managed to get kidney stones a few weeks back and it was freaking upsetting and hard to go through. Add to the fact that i also found out that my blood sugar is TWICE than normal. So new medicine to take and new list of things not to/avoid to eat. As of today though, it has been well. i havent had a hard time that concerns with the kidney stones and i feel like my blood sugar is back on the level. Hopefully. I do dislike taking tests because im afraid of the results. But i do need to undergo them to know if im clear.

Also, im happy to say that i found someone or she found me...maybe..i think haha. But well, things have been going well with her and im glad. I thought ill be alone for a long time. But life really do surprise at times. This time it was a happy one which was good. Ive had it with sad surprises.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

the start of december.

so.

its already december. there are a few things happening this month. christmas is a given of course but theres also two weddings (my friends ' and my sisters) and the fact that years after going to the states, mom and the younger siblings are coming home for christmas AND new year. there also one more thing but i have doubts if its ever going to happen.

anyways. to a few things that already happened.

so a few months back, my friend announced he was getting married. he invited me and of course i told him i was going. it was actually the first time for me to go to a friends wedding. weeks after he announced (i...think?), he then told me that ill be one of his groomsmen. i was surprised because i didnt think id qualify.i was also nervous because it was first time to be a groomsman plus that i didnt own formal clothing (lol).

to be honest, i didnt know anyone in his wedding. sure there were a couple of old grade school people but i havent talked to anyone from my old school in years. especially the ones that were also invited. so i asked my bestfriend if she wanted to go with me ad i was surprised she said yes because well, i didnt think she'd wanted to go.

it was a pretty awesome wedding. my friend added a few video game and anime  songs in his wedding playlist that was played by this awesome string accompanied band. i also talked to my bestfriend about a few plans i was thinking up for my own wedding. though it doesnt really matter because i still have doubts id ever get married.

it was a good day but as soon i was about to sleep, i received a message from my bestfriend that said our good pal justin took his own life. i was extremely shocked. i went to his fb profile and saw a couple of posts about his death already. i was in denial. i kept asking myself if i was already asleep and was having a bad dream. i then broke down and cried and cried. i just couldnt believe that he just did what he did. he was already doing okay. hes gotten past a few of his problems and he has someone there to support and love him. it just didnt fit. he had two loving daughters and he always mentioned that he cant leave them alone. but, in the end, i guess he did.

i went to the first day of his wake. i was zoning out. i still cant believe he was lying in that casket infront of me. nobody saw this coming. he didnt show any signs. the only question i had was, why? sure, he wasnt a perfect person but he didnt have to go out the way he did. the whole ordeal was heavy on me. i didnt even go to the 2nd day and to his cremation. it was all just pretty unfair. then again, me of all people, should already know that life is really unfair. that it is cruel as it is beautiful. it made me ask the question again though, "why am i still here?".

will there be a day when ill also just snap like my friend and just end it? i must admit, the thought has crossed my mind alot of times.

~

im kind of hating myself right now because i was hoping for something to happen. i wasnt really promised anything. there wasnt really a confirmation that what was said was actually going to happen. but i still hoped. even when i felt like i didnt matter, i still hoped. im still hoping. im still waiting. it hurts.

Monday, November 7, 2016

November, november.

Who'd have thought the year would pass by fast (maybe not fast enough for some) and its just two more months before 2017. I'm not that excited...well, a little bit because of my birthday but then again, it'll be just the same so nothing really worth getting excited about.

The only thing I'm looking forward to are a few events on December.

First is the wedding of a friend of mine where it'll be my first time as a groomsman. I need to lose some weight and shave and get a haircut. There isn't much time as it's on the first week of December. The latter parts are easy but the losing weight part is dang hard. Why even? So that at least I can fit in formal wear. I don't even know where to get a coat and tie suit. I obviously don't have one so if I'm borrowing one then losing weight is a must in order to fit.

Second is the wedding of my younger sister. Again, i'll be more than just a guest. I'll be handling the rope..chain..thingie? Anyway, I also need to be clean-shaven and lose weight. I'm still not sure about what to wear.

The only thing I'm pretty excited about ...I mean really REALLY excited about is that my Mom and younger siblings would be home for Christmas AND New year! I haven't seen (well except on video calls) my younger siblings since they went to the US. I've missed them alot. Mom has been home a few times, I miss her too but we'd be complete this time around plus one (my sisters son, Ethan).

There's also one more thing but I'm not even sure if it's going to happen at all. I don't want to hope too much. And as much as I would love for it to happen, it's not really up to me. I'll just have to wait and see.

So from now till December, there's not going to be alot going on. Just the usual days I guess. Its not bad to hope for better days but it's disappointing when they don't happen. Nothing to do but grin and bear it.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

overkill.

I dont know where im going with this. This'll be more of like rambling than a decent post. I just wanted to write down some of the things in my head. I wish I could write in down in a more eloquent manner but theres just too much running around in my head.

There are alot of things I dont know. Things that a person my age should know. It scares me.

Maybe because im stuck right now. I have been for the longest time. And mostly, its all my fault.
Im not sure where to go though. Im not sure what to do. Im not even sure if things'll work out if I did now. Im not sure if im needed.  Im not sure. Im just not sure.

The only thing im sure of is that im a mess right now and trying to keep things together has been really hard. trying to make sense of it all makes it even harder.

I mean, you go out there everyday with good intentions, trying so hard to do your best. Then what happens? Shit. Thats what. Either you fuck things up yourself or someone does it for you.

I stopped dreaming for myself. I stopped having personal future goals. I know whats in store for me in the future. Nothing but disappointment. Just like what I am.

Im lost. Maybe I want to be found. Maybe not. I dunno. I mean, what then? What happens next if im found?

Its the uncertainty of it all. It makes me overthink too much.

Theres this heavy ache in me that never goes away.

Try to get something going. Try to have a routine.Try to do something. Try to be more positive.

Try to get a rhythm going. Have something to work on.

But why do I still feel empty.

I thought I was doing ok.

I thought I was ok.

I dunno if ill ever be ok.


Sunday, August 14, 2016

conversations and such

A few nights ago. I was talking with a friend of mine. I opened up to her as to how I'm not that much a nice person  that she sees me to be. As well as how I'm not that as happy as I look.

It was apparent how she got a bit frustrated on my stubbornness on things. As well as my pessimistic outlook. I told her that I've accepted the fact that things wont work out well for me and that it probably  never will.

Explaining to someone how you're happy but not "happy" happy is a bit hard. Kinda like saying you're okay but not okay. Like just somewhere in the middle. It's not really a definite answer but it sort of explains how things are. As vague as it is.

It's not that I don't feel happy when something good happens or I don't feel happy when I see my nephew or I don't feel happy when the shop has  a good day. It's just that. It's not the kind of happy that sticks. It's weird, I know, but that's how it feels. I know it probably confused my friend on how and why I feel like this even though she sees me all smiles and laughs when she visits the shop. But I think she understood, though I think she'd prefer me to at least try a little. I think friends who knows what's going on with me would also like that too.

I think I've already mentioned in a previous post that "Just existing" would be okay for me. It's just how it is. Until the day comes when i'd really feel happy...or not.




Wednesday, August 10, 2016

And so, an update.

So..update I guess plus a couple of movie mini-reviews.

I got really sick a few weeks back thanks to a sore throat and getting drenched in the rain and had to walk thru a little bit of flood. Dealing with getting sick as an adult sucks but I got through it. It took awhile before the coughing stopped but now im a bit wary of the weather. Its been either too hot and too cold and wet. Thats a good recipe for getting sick. I guess Im not as immune as I was a few years back.

Ah, I guess I forgot to mention it last time. But an uncle of mine died a few months ago. He was my moms' older brother and they were close. He was a good man. He always had a welcoming smile during the last few times we saw him. He always made sure everyone had something to eat or drink or is comfortable. He died of a heart attack. He was still young and for me, he was healthy. So it was all a sudden surprise things happened the way they happened.

Now a few months after, A close family friend of my aunt died of a heart attack too. He was also a good man. He was their driver for a few years. He had pneumonia and had complications that led to a heart attack. So it kinda rung a few alarms with my aunt and her mom (my other granma) so they asked how my health was doing and if i had pneumonia shots before..or something to that effect.

To be honest...with the way things went/are prolly going. Im kinda surprised I havent had an attack...or a mild stroke even.

Anyway.

I managed to watch two great films almost a week apart. Star Trek Beyond and Suicide Squad.

For Star Trek Beyond, well first off. Ive been always more of a Star Wars fan. But Ive loved the Star Trek movies, both new and old. I liked a few original ST episodes and TNG, as well as DS9. Now, the first two new movies were pretty great. It introduced new people to a new Star Trek Universe. The new film continues where Into Darkness left off. But rather than pulse pounding ship to ship action. This one had more feelings. It introduced a way different villain than whatever the crew has encountered before. It did have a few awesome ship action. It did contain a few funny scenes to balance things. I was a bit distracted everytime Anton was in a scene. It was weird that in some scenes he was in. It was like he was always trying to woo the alien females haha...i dunno. Maybe it was just me. The whole plot wasnt really that much grandiose. It seemed like a usual story plot with a few twists.  But even with that, it was a fun sci-fi movie. Although it felt a bit lacking for me in the end. I mean it wouldve been nice to set-up the follow-up film haha.

For Suicide Squad. I have some knowledge of the team via a few comics ive read and episodes of JL Animated Series, as well as their animated movie. The reviews didnt really matter to me. I still wanted to watch the movie and see for myself what the hullabaloo was all about. It had a nice story. Though sometimes it felt like you were watching just scenes mashed in together. I had my doubts with Will Smith being casted as Deadshot. But he was pretty great. Cara was just sublime. I liked her more than Margot Robbie. I agree with a friend of mine that we needed more Captain Boomerang. Like more boomeranging with a diverse array of boomerangs like a sticky bomb boomerang. Like trick boomerangs of every sort. I dunno why they depicted him as someone off his rocker. He was a pretty laid back dude in the comics. They couldve just made him just a teeny bit crazy. They couldve explained how Katana got included in the team rather than just showing up. The Joker's presence also felt like that. Sure its not his movie, but they hyped him so much only to just turn out like a cameo. I think we need a full length movie where he's the main baddie to fully appreciate Jared Leto's Joker. I liked it. It was something old and new at the same time. Im kinda leaning into the theory that he is Jason Todd. I mean its a nice theory. But anyway yea, the film was pretty nice. It didnt feel like an R-13 movie though. I mean Rambo (the more recent one) had more blood and gore and curse words in it. If theyre going to do another one, I hope they just let it be and not do stuff that would ruin the film (like reshoots and changing things to please people).

Both are great movies to watch. Try catching them if you have the time.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

A real update...I guess.

I guess its high time for an actual post of updates of the blogger, yours truly.

This blog has been more of an emotional outlet for the past few years. I tried to do a separate blog for those kinds of things/posts but I still remained here.

Anyways, things have been messy but okay (if there ever is such a thing). Im kinda thankful that I still have whatever semblance of good health thats left in me. I must admit that I had certain lapses, forgetting to drink my medicine at times. My forgetfulness is getting worse I guess. How? I forgot the keys in the car once and it was downright embarrassing.

I have been keeping busy. As busy as I can, helping out at my friends' hobby shop. It has been a great pleasure and stressful thing. I say stressful in a good way. I mean every kind of business has its own ups and downs. But its par of the course.

My younger sister has given birth to a cute bundle of joy named Ethan Archer. Its a unique name, I know. Just seeing him makes me smile and be happy. This is one nephew thats going to be spoiled rotten by his uncle. Well, hopefully soon. Once things get okay on the earning end.

I wont say it out loud but I'm a bit jealous of my friends that have girlfriends. It would be nice to feel that kind of love again. But I have already accepted the fact that i'll grow old alone. Well, not alone...maybe a few dogs. If it comes then it comes. If not, then thats just how it is.

For now, Im ok with "just existing" because thats what it feels. That Im just here. Nothing really special. Just here...around. Thats how it is.