Now what?

 I'm 37 and most people my age (or younger) are already married, maybe have their own house. They're prolly thinking of having kids or already have them. In short, they all have their futures planned.

I was somewhat the the same a few years back but I learned that not all things happen as planned and things can change in an instant. It hit me hard when I was told that I wasn't in their future despite they being in mine.

Funny thing.

It also didn't happen just that once tho.

I tried again but things turned out mostly the same.

Since I was thinking of the future with them, I made future plans that revolved with them. When I was left behind, those plans just vanished and I really couldn't do it on my own. I guess I prolly could but I was so distraught at both times that it didn't matter.

Now, I don't have any desire for the future. I don't have any plans at all. I've been unmotivated because anytime I try to think up of something, it ,just doesn't work out and I've been just so disillusioned of it all. I've been so tired and drained of everything.

I'll be fine just being able to have a job and to be able to have good health. If I'll be happy as well then that's a good bonus. I don't have the motivation to aim for anything else or something higher.

I've just been so jaded of it all. The current pandemic hasn't helped either.

That's why when I was asked "how do you see yourself 10.. 5 years from now?" a year ago, I just laughed and said, "alive".