Only Lonely On The Inside.

For the past few months, I have been coming home to a big empty house.

And despite having 4 dogs (two outside, two inside) around it tends to get a little lonesome. The realization was made apparent while I was hanging out with my bestfriend a few days ago. We finally had some time to talk and catch up. Nothing really dramatic and serious but we inevitably talked about a bit of that stuff. And then it hit me that despite all the fun I had that time, I will still go home into an empty house and face the problem of loneliness.

There is a reason why it seems i'm always online on Facebook.  A few reasons in fact. It connects me to my Mum and siblings in the US. They usually message me around noon when they're about to sleep. I am also a bit far from good friends (mostly around Manila) so FB kind off still connects me to them. But I guess it's just partly because I don't want to be lonely. It's like the equivalent of having the radio on to make yourself not feel alone in the house. I can freely message people and they can freely message me and we could start conversations and stuff. That makes me feel a little less lonely.

My bestfriend has told me that she begins to worry when she doesn't see me online the whole day without a prior update. She immediately thinks that something has gone wrong which she says that it's been true a few couple of times. She told me that the last time I haven't been on much and something bad happened was when I was in the hospital a few  months back. I wonder if some of my friends feel/felt the same way?

Also, seeing my always online in Facebook doesn't mean that i'm always infront of the PC. I just tend to leave it on just incase people leave a message (mostly, it's not..im not surprised). I leave it on, check messages and updates and then do some chores in and around the house. The reason why I am still at home though is because of my "relapse". I am still currently in "rehab" mode. I don't think it would much of a good thing to work while there's still a blood clot hanging around my heart.

Anyway.

I try to go out and about at times. But it kind off makes me more lonely. Things are way more fun when you do stuff with other people.Contrary to what people think, I am much accustomed to being alone. I've been alone give or take the past few years. I'm used to being by myself and at times I am happy with that. But being alone all the time isn't really that good.

But what else can I do? Life always happens. It seems that I'm going to be a bit more time being alone and lonely for awhile. I'm just trying to make the best of it. It's not much but it's all I got left.

How.

There are alot of things that is easier said than done.

Forgetting is one of them. Moreso if you are trying to forget someone on purpose. I mean it would prolly depend on which people you choose to forget.

Actually, it would be alot easier to forget someone if said person did something bad/wrong. Or if a person is just that forgettable because they're too plain or unexciting.

Bot how..how can you forget someone that made such an impact on your life?

I have mentioned before , that forgetting is such a bitch. Its too damn hard. Its not like its as easy as deleting their pictures on your phone or PC or profile. Trying to "purge" someone out of your system is more harder than trying to stop smoking..or taking drugs....or both.

To not care, hell, to not even give a damn about someone that meant to you so much and that has done so much in your life is not a very simple nor easy task. But it has to be done. No matter how hard it is or how painful, it has to be done.

Problem is that even if you did manage to forget someone, there are alot of things in the world that can make you remember them.

A song, a comic, a certain food, a certain smell, a restaurant, a movie, a certain colour, a cartoon character, an animal, an action figure, a hobby, a pastry, certain clothing, a certain date, a certain month, a certain event, a TV show, a cartoon, a cartoon character.

Lots and lots and lots of stuff.

I wish it was easy as storing things away. That all of the memories can be just boxed up and put away into the deepest and darkest part of your closet along with the other mementos.

Its not as if all of the memories were bad though.

The computer crashed. BSOD. I couldnt save anything. All the files have been destroyed. Gone.

Find a restore point prior to everything that happened. Clean slate. Start and write another story.

If it were just that easy.

Revelations v2

I didn't expect it. But out of the blue, she came out of the woodwork and started talking to me.

...and then she proceeded to tell me the things I needed to hear almost a year and two months ago.

But now knowing the truth...it all just makes me feel so worse.

It's...just so unfair. Everything feels so fucking unfair.

I don't regret the fact that I did let her go..in order to chase her dream in another country. I am proud to say that I was very supportive. But how the whole thing ended up, it seems just so one-sided. That she suddenly changed into something so drastic, that she decided that of all the other people that shouldn't be part of her future....I was it. That I was the expandable one. Im not conceited enough to think that I shouldn't be expendable but I just thought that with all the things we went through together, I thought I'd be the last one on that expendable list.

I have been at my best behavior. I have been good. And yet, somehow, life fucks me up. That when I thought I have found something beautiful and permanent, life just fucks me up and screws me over with this.

It makes me feel so worthless.

It's 4am (where she is) and she's prolly sound asleep. It's 2am where I am and I'm wide awake, tears in my eyes, cursing my fate.

Revelations.

Redacted

After viewing and re-reading it over and over I decided to remove this entry.

I was hurt and yes a bit mad  and was emotionally unstable as I wrote it. it may have prolly been misread by people.

Musings.

"It's her loss, not yours."

Alot of friends and family has told me and will prolly keep on telling me this. But it doesn't feel that way. It feels the other way around. She meant everything...she was everything to me...I don't really know if she felt the same way. I wish I could say yes...but with how things are its likely a "no".

I mean who am I to be even considered someone's "loss"..? It's pretty obvious (at least to her) that I am no one important. I have no work at the moment as I have a heart condition. What have I got to be considered someone's loss? I am nothing I have nothing.

Really.

If it is her loss and not mine then why am I the one feeling  so empty? Why am I the one who can't sleep at night?


~ ~ ~


I have no idea what to do next. I mentioned this a few posts back. But I think that it's more likely that I have no motivation to do something...anything at all.

It feels like I've wasted money by not being able to put to practical use the things I've learnt from baking class. I have not baked a thing since the accreditation test (fuck, I don't even know where that paper where it says I passed is). I haven't even contacted the school with regards to my "diploma" since I wasn't able to join the "graduation" due to health issues.

It feels like I can't even bake a simple thing like a bread roll despite having the tools to do so. Slowly and surely, I think all the baking knowledge I had learned will just go and escape me.

I just have the strength and will to do anything else. Of course I am not content with my situation, who doesn't? But I just feel like nothing. It takes a great deal to just get out of bed. If I didn't need to go eat or go to the bathroom then I could just stay in bed the whole day. It's not laziness. It's something else.


~ ~ ~


I don't know how to feel anymore.

When I'm on Facebook and talk to my friends, I act okay. I share and post stupid things just to make sure that the act has a strong foundation. I figured i'd spare them all of how pathetic I am and how pathetic I feel right now.

On Tumblr...if they could ever go visit it, they'd think I was borderline suicidal. I might be. I dunno.

It has been a year and I am still in the same place I was....with the same confusion and depression. Last year was prolly the worst year of my life. This year started the same. So you have to forgive me if I don't see the positivity of it all.

Even my bestfriend, who is just living in the same subdivision as I am, doesn't know what to do with me.

It sucks. But that's how it is...and that's how I am right now. I know no one will and prolly can save me. I can't even save me from myself.

Of my heart and mind.

Its hard to try to "reboot" or "re-write" yourself.

The heart and mind are two greatly different things. The heart wants what the heart wants. The mind is constantly thinking of both reasons why and why not the heart should get what it needs to have.

I really do not want to "re-write" my heart. My mind is at a loss on what to do.

I know what my heart wants but unfortunately, it cannot get it. It knows the pain and suffering but it still goes on and beats. And it beats for what it wants..who it wants.

The mind is at a loss at this. It also has known pain and suffering but in its recesses, it also agrees with the heart.

There's alot of back and forth thinking and arguing between the two. That has been alot of sleepless nights for me.

The mind sees the heart in pain and it lies to it. It lies to try to ease the hearts' pain. But the mind itself isn't convinced of the lie. It still hopes like the heart does. And when the mind hopes, the heart follows suit. Despite pain and suffering, the abandonment, the lack of truth and transparency. The mind and the heart still hope.

It's hard to try and stop the two from doing what they're doing. But I won't try. I will let them be. I will not lie to the feelings I have, to the feelings my heart and my mind have. But in order for me to not be hurt, I shall bury it deep down. I shall only leave a slight glimmer of hope. Until the fuel for it comes and releases the two when hope becomes truth.

I will go on my way. I will do what I do.

But my heat...it will want what it wants...who it wants. Until the truth comes and either gives what it wants or fully deny it.

I am prepared. My heart is prepared.

My mind....is doubtful but it says it'll see us all through.