Thursday, January 30, 2014


Last year my granma was diagnosed with liver cancer.

She did not want chemo or laser[?] surgery so we opted for the oral med intake of what was supposed to be a "miracle drug but still a case-to-case basis" program.

My granma was one of those cases where it didn't work.

She is a sweet old woman. Ever since we were kids she has been there taking care of me and my siblings. She spoiled us alot... but that's what granparents do. We have always been grateful and appreciative of her.

That didn't change even when we all grew up. While my other siblings were set and focused on their life/future. I was still kind of wandering about..figuring out stuff. My granma was there to guide and support me. She was there to back me on most if not all of my ideas no matter how crazy it seemed. Because all she wanted was to see me happy. And with someone like that supporting me, how could I not be happy?

She was also there when I was at my lowest. First when I got really sick and got diagnosed with cardio myopathy. She always pestered me to drink my maintenance meds and always "controlled" my eating. And then, much recently [before she got diagnosed with cancer], when I told her that my ex had left me. It kind of hit her hard too. I mean my granma liked her alot. She thought she was perfect. When I told her, she just told me this: "I know you. Learn to forgive and forget. Sometimes that's just the way things are in life. It may not mean anything right now but maybe in the future it'll all make sense. I don't want to see you sad. Just go out and be happy."

Now, I cannot comprehend how this sweet kind old woman in her twilight years could have cancer.

She can barely walk and talk. There are times she almost doesn't eat. Her body has deteriorated and she looks like a shell of her former self.

The worse thing is that feeling of being so helpless. That you really can't do anything more to really help her. There have been times where I prayed and begged to have her sickness transferred to me. I don't know if I could handle it but all I know and all I want is to not see my granma this way. But of course it doesn't happen.

It's hard for me to see my last pillar of strength in such a condition. I wish I could do more. I wish that I could just take away the pain...the cancer.

It's just not fair.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Remember to Forget

The last post was meant to be...a bit longer than what it was but it felt like that one line explained it all.

Trying to forget something is a bit of a pain in the ass. Because there are times that you want to forget stuff but can't and there are times that you want to forget stuff but won't.

To the curious...or to those who didn't get it or to those who haven't really read the blog recently. I have been trying to forget alot of things. Especially most of last year...and maybe the last two years before that as well.

They're not mostly bad memories/things but to be honest, the memories that hurt us the most are the good ones. They let us remember the happy days gone by and makes you doubt whether or not you'll feel the same way again. Ever.

So I try to forget. I try to bury those memories down. I try not to remember them. They're keeping me awake at night. They're filling me with these emotions I'm not supposed to feel and I don't want to feel. They're making me wonder and doubt. They're making me feel I wasn't good enough...that I will never be good enough..ever again to anyone else.
It's...a bit hard to forget when there are so many things to remember you by. And I can't just look away as these are also the things I really like. All the movies, cartoons, tv shows, food....

It's a wonder I'm still sane....or sober....well, sober-ish....or even alive.

I'm not a strong person. I easily fall under the weight of these feelings and emotions. There are bad days. There have been alot of bad days. The good ones are few and inbetween.

But like I always do, I suppress these feelings and memories and emotions. I bottle it up and bury it deep and try to function like a normal human being. After all, I have a very sick granma to attend to.

It works sometimes. And some people can be easily fooled by wearing a mask to keep up the charade of progress.But it's not fool proof. Then again not much people have noticed.

I guess for some people it's easy for them to forget. To just continue on with their lives as if nothing happened. that those memories didn't mean a thing and worthless. Lucky them.

But I'm not like other people.

 I am not heartless.

......forgetting is a son of a bitch.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

New Year

Happy New Year.

2013 finally over and a new year rolls in.

I still carry some baggage I received in 2013 but they're not as heavy.

This was the first new year we celebrated just by ourselves [me, my bro and my granma]. We just prepared food and ate and that's it. We didn't even make noise or shoot fireworks. But it's okay. I guess just surviving the year was more than enough.

I really don't do new year's resolutions but this year I promised myself and a few relatives that i'll be cutting down my weight. Which meant going back running again in the morning and going on a diet.

To be honest, I cannot like I used to because of my condition but for the past few days of the new year I was just walking. And the diet? UGH hardest thing to least for me.

I'm not doing all these things just to look thin and great. I'm doing these things because it's what I should have been doing all along ever since I got out of the hospital a few years ago. It's a health thing...not a vain thing.

I was really hoping that this 2014, things will get better and be a bit different. Well, so far so good still it's not been a week yet and there has been already a few hiccups but it's still manageable. Despite that, I'm still hoping, wishing, dreaming that 2014 will be more kind to me [and of course to my family as well]. If you've been reading my past entries, 2013 was really such..well to say it in one word: heart-breaking.

But I'm still here, I'm still alive. Broken. Incomplete. Shaken. But alive.

So that means there are things still needed from me.

But it's just the whole mucking thru life trying to find meaning and purpose is really tiring. It would be a bit better if you have a little help in discovering what you're here for. Maybe this year, I can finally find my real purpose.

I'm a bit optimistic, which is not really my forte, but what else can I do but live..or at least try living.


Happy 2014 to everyone!

Hopefully your lives have been better than mine.