Saturday, October 11, 2014

Knowing. Not knowing.

Being told how to live your life isn't really how some should live. But it is applicable for someone who has lost their way which is more or less a perfect description of how I am right now.

I know that I am not on the best path right now. Heck, I don't even know if I'm on a path. I don't even know what path to go on or if there's even a clear path for me to walk on to. People have always said to just go and forge your own way. Now, I know that I'm not doing anything to get on any kind of path but I know that every little step you do, no matter how insignificant, is still a step into the path you're going on. So maybe I am going on my way but it's just taking a lot of time.

I know I'm not a good guy. I know I can be pretty much of a douche, an asshole, an ingrate, a whiny bitch, a user, an abuser, a liar, a cheat, a hypocrite, a lazy-ass, insecure, paranoid, judgmental, and maybe some more. I acknowledge those facts about my self and I am not denying the fact that I've done a whole lot of wrong in my life and I still prolly will. At least that's the most honest thing I can say about me right now.

There are some things that you just cannot control, things that you don't get a say in, things that you can't get your hands on, and things that just go and pass you by. I've learned about these in the best AND worst ways ever possible. There are lessons to be learned and there are morals to the stories. The question is, did I learn anything? Maybe...maybe not. All I have is the knowledge. All I have are the emotions. The lessons will come in time.

So, in short, I am broken as broken would be. I would be lying if I said that everything was okay. It actually is and isn't all at the same time. It's not ideal, it's not perfect, but it is what it is. I can only blame myself, for all things I've done and for all the things I didn't do.

..then again, I'm a liar so why believe everything and anything you read here ...right?

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Writing Block.

I wanted to write something.

It has been a long time since I did.

I even was in some sort of mood to write.

I wanted to assault that blank page of Word with words and make a story.

Unfortunately, I couldn't seem to write anything of significance. I tried doing something new. I tried writing a new story but nothing really came into place. It started out okay, I had the story in my head but I couldn't put it into clear words. I can't properly relay the story in my head through my hands for them to be able to type it into words. So I just stopped trying and saved the thing and hopefully I can continue it someday.

I then tried to write the continuation of my zombie story (new version is here while the original post is here). Again like the story mentioned above, I already have ideas in my head on how to continue what I wrote previously. But again I couldn't properly type it up. Rather than pushing it, I stopped.

The whole thing is so frustrating. I wanted to really go and write something but it was so hard to do so. Weirdly enough, here I am easily writing a post about my hard time writing stories. How weird and strange is that?

I'm not really a writer. I have not studied to be one nor trained. I just like writing my own stuff which started at around late 90's. Prior to writing stories, I used to write poetry. A LOT of poetry. Mostly about, you guessed it, love and loss. Come to think of it, i've never written any poetry as of late. It's been awhile. The last time was way back in college and it was for a girl.


I wish I could get back to writing my stories. To be honest, it's the only thing I can do where I think I can excel. Hopefully I get bitten by the bug again and just let the words flow and come up with something nice. It would be a nice distraction and a break from all the stuff happening around me.