Ghosts

 Last night, I had another dream that had my exgf (the one thats in AU). TBH shes the only ex that shows up in my dreams. Im not really sure why. Its prolly my subconcious telling me something. We were in correspondence a few years ago. Nothing serious, just conversations you'd make between friends. ive made peace that what happened between us just happened. Things wouldnt have changed anyway so its an "it is what it is" kind of thing. She eventually stopped reaching out and replying so I also did. I expected it anyway and id rather not shoehorn myself in their life that I wasnt supposed to be a part of, I just hope she's doing okay,

Altho..I do still talk to her in some sort of way but its also not her...sort of. Its just a ghost of her. Not a literal ghost mind you. Its not as much of an actual ghost even but just memories of the person that still linger. I feel like most people have these kinds of ghosts.

Ive had alot of talks with her ghost since the breakup years ago. It started with just asking it why. Of course it couldnt answer. Its just a memory of her from what she was during our time together. It wouldnt have any idea of what her current self is thinking or why she did what she did. I still kept asking until I stopped. Her ghost wasnt a constant phenomenon. It usual appears when I suddenly remember things about her, about us. Something will trigger it, like a song or a place or food. Sometime I would catch myself saying "she wouldve loved this.". I shrug it off and and just smile.

We all have a ghost of someone lingering around. Its not always a bad thing.

40

 i never thought that i'd reach this age but here i am. nothing much has changed tho, just my age. since me and my older brothers' bdays are just a day apart, we kinda usually just celebrated at the same time. so at least im assured of cake and spaghetti and some sort of celebration. adult birthdays isnt really that much fun and the gifts are non existent. i guess being able to celebrate is the gift.

when i was a kid, i thought that id be like my dad when i grew up. working, married with kids, living in a house of my own. little did i know how things'll actually turn out.

mostly its my fault though. i just ran out of drive and motivation to..well do almost anything. ive given no more thoughts to any kind of dreams and ambitions as from what ive experienced, things dont really work out as planned despite doing everything that you can to make it so. things change as ive been told. the only thing thats ever constant in this world is change is also something ive read about. its just that mostly for my part, things changed not for the better. im just tired. im tired of doing things that will just be another waste of time, another heartache, another disappointment, another reason for me to go into dark thoughts again. 

 i know understand when i was told that i wasnt in their future because i dont even see my own future infront of me. just living...well more of just existing day to day. i dont think things will change much now that ive reach 40.

40 years seemed to just pass by fast. i had a anxiety attack thinking about how things will be 40 years from now. will i even reach 80? if i do, what will be next other than death? whats next after that? it was one of the few times i thought about fearong of dying..on how ill miss alot of stuff..on how i wont be seeing whats next for most of the things that i love. i tried hard to dismiss those thoughts as it was taking its toll on me and it wasnt hood for my heart and its condition.

im not really sure and dont really know what comes next.

i just want to be happy.

once again.

 its almost been more than a month since i got discharged from a weeks stay in the hospital. i wasnt feeling well leading up to my birthday. i thought it was just a simple cold that i could just easily take care of but it got worse. thankfully (or not?), it wasnt covid but rather my heart condition failing again.

when i met with my new cardio, she immediately sensed (and saw) what was wrong and didnt like how i looked. she then told me and my older brother that she would want me to be admitted in the hospital asap as she said in her own words, "were looking at heart failure that could lead to a stroke".

my heart rate was fast and i could feel it and my breathing was labored. more or less the same symptoms i had when i first got sick. and here i thought i was on the mend.

it was actually a few months prior when my 2d echo scans were all normal and pretty great as per a cardio (a new one but not the newest one). my mum always wanted a 2nd opinion from another cardio with regards to my heart condition and we managed to finally get one but thats when the problem started. i did explain as properly as i could regarding what happened to me but i guess when he saw my results, he deemed i was pretty much fine and said that i could stop taking my maintenance meds. i was dumbfounded at first. i asked hime more than twice if he was sure and if it was okay to do so. i even asked if do i just stop asap or just until the meds i had were gone but he said i could just top taking them now. tbh i was happy with my results and also happy not to take meds anymore but part of me was worried.

i mad sure that i stayed healthy or at least as healthy i think that i could get since i still couldnt believe that it was fine to not take meds anymore. well everything was actually doing fine until it wasnt and i relapsed. as much as i dont want to point fingers and blame, i felt like if i hadnt stopped taking my meds, things wouldnt have gone the way they did. that if if we just stuck to the plan and didnt get a second opinion, i would be getting even better and not back to almost zero.

that week at the hospital was bad. i couldnt have visitors as they'd have to get tested for covid everytime they would visit, then again no one even bothered to try to visit anyway. i was also alone for most of the time as my older bro had to work and also feed our dogs at home so he cant watch over me. i did have my phone and an internet connection but it was still so lonely. 

i was happy that my newest cardio was more knowledgeable and friendly. you could really feel that she was concerned and that she really wanted me better. she didnt want me to stay long at the hospital mostly because of the expenses especially since i was feeling better but she wanted to make sure ill be okay enough to leave. after a few tests, she gave the ok signal for me to go home exactly a week later and me and my older bro have been seeing her for my checkups monthly. 

im on the mend so far but i know im still not 100% and im not really sure when will i be. at bets, i want things to go back to when i was well and had little meds to drink (currently, theyre 16 and prior, they were just 4).

i was already feeling down because i got excited for my birthday for nothing and then i got sick again. i guess that just how it is because thats how its been for me.

Family Reunion

 Mum and my younger siblings are actually on their way back home to the US at the time of this writing. Their trip here lasted almost a month. There were days that went by so slow but there were also days were things were happening so fast. It still feels like the time each other was too short.

The whole thing was just a little dream we all talked about a couple of years ago. They went here for vacation in 2019, before covid hit so we were all lucky. I guess we all wanted a vacation during the whole lockdown "era". It started with a few ideas between my Mum and Younger sister. My older brother would chime in once in awhile. It was fun to be able to think of places to go. A trip to japan was also being thrown around with each of us just going and meeting up there since it was made clear that getting a US visa was going to be hard AND pricey. I didn't really think that it would push through but things happened and suddenly the whole trip seemed so viable. I think it was around the start of 2021 when things got real and things sort of got finalized and then Mum started asking us (the older siblings) if there were things we wanted which theyll bring. After a seemingly long time, arrival dates were given and all we had to do was wait.

Me and my older bro had a month to finalize things at home which was basically general cleaning and who sleeps in what room. It was totally a chore but we managed to do it. At the time, I still couldnt believe that from years to months, to weeks and then it was only days before we see the rest of the family again. I was pretty much excited as everyone else.

My younger sister arrived two weeks before Mum and the younger siblings but stayed with the in-laws for those two weeks. They then came home on the day Mum and the rest also arrived. Coincidentally, the arrival date from 2019 was also the same for this year.

From there we went everywhere we can. We had planned alot of trips that we were able to squeeze in. I'm thankful I was free (the shop is still closed at this moment) for this because the last time, I couldnt go to some of the trips due to work and I regretted it. I tried to go to all the trips this time around. We had a few misadventures along the way but it was still good. I regret not being able to properly bond and talk to Mum and my younger siblings and that some of the things I wanted to do with my younger siblings (like a drinking session) didnt really fall through. I did what I can though and I hope that that was enough.

I thought about how were lucky to be able to have this during these times. It was hard enough with the pandemic but being able to have the family all together again was something what we all needed.

The house was full and alive during these past few weeks but...now that everyone's gone back. It feels so quiet and empty. That empty feeling was also heavy within me. Even if it was a short time, it was pretty hard be home with just me and my older bro again. This time around was more hard for me. Ive been a bit emotional during the whole pandemic and ..the "separation anxiety" just added to things and..its pretty hard when youve got no one to talk to about it. Theres nothing I can do about it as it has been like this for awhile. I let things be and try to cope. 

I do hope Mum and the sibs got to enjoy their trip this time. Hope they would be able to return again when they can.

The New Year post

 So...2021 was more or less the same as 2020. The pandemic was still here but was finally able to get vaccinated and felt safe until another variant came and booster shots were needed. Things have already been bad and it felt like the worse is coming. I mean I havent even talked about how much of a shitty clown show the upcoming elections for my country is having.

2021 also had its fair share of surprises. I think the most surprising one was being able to sort of reconnect with someone I never thought I'd hear from again. For a time, I thought I'd be getting a bit of closure but eventually I realized that wasn't the case. I also realized that it won't matter because its been years and it won't feel that genuine. It'll be like just saying it for the sake of just saying it. I was surprised that I was the sort of...told to say what I wanted to say, I mean I thought Ive already did that with all the posts about it here. I still said my piece and I feel that that'll be the last time I'll hear from her ever again and that's fine and that's okay.

I'm pretty much relieved that nothing big happened to me healthwise this year. There wasn't a hospital trip or any scares especially with covid running rampant. I had/have a big fear of prolly getting it because that's how my luck usually goes. I hope that continues to be the case for the new year. I also hope that I didn't just jinx it lol

I can't say the same mentally though. It's been getting harder and harder to get up in the morning. When the shop was still open, I at least had a reason to push myself off and get up. Lately, I'd just rather stay in bed the whole day. The bed just sinks me in deeper and deeper. I dunno if this is part of an underlying issue or not. I've also been crying alot at little things lately. If something tugs at my heartstrings then the waterworks come out. Be it from an anime, western show, a movie, or a manga. I mean I've always been easy to get teary-eyed buts just more prevalent lately. Well..

Anyhoo, we managed to open the shop again albeit just for 9 months and 3 days a week. The covid restrictions made it hard for the shop to function like it was before but that just wasn't the only thing. We moved one floor up to a much smaller place than before and there wasn't a kitchen so we couldn't generate additional income. The product restock was slower than usual and that left me dumbfounded then again there wasn't much income being generated so it was hard to just dish out money that didn't come out form the shops income. We closed indefinitely until face to face will be viable again just after 9 months of being open. Sad that it wasn't possible to just stretch it out a little bit until the end of the year (no xmas bonus lol). It it what it is. I'm still trying to figure out what not do next but im totally clueless. I do have a few things in mind but...I dunno, it's just hard to put into action with how the state of everything is.

Things weren't all bad. I was still lucky enough to have people, friends still being there for me despite everything. I do feel guilty receiving alot from them and not be able to give back for their generosity and such, I do hope i am able to someday. Vtubers have also been part of my daily life. I am thankful for their existence as my loneliness and boredom disappears when I watch them. 

I don't know what this year will be like for me. I do hope that it'll be more better.

I'm not really sure who has been reading/viewing my posts but I do appreciate it. I'm happy that people has spent their precious time reading my nonsensical ramblings. Thank you.

Happy New Year!

The Christmas post.

 Celebrating Christmas...the Christmas celebration, is waaaaaaay different when you're older.

You didn't have to worry about a thing when you were a kid during Christmas. You just had to wait until it was time to eat and open your gifts. Well, the only thing I was worried about was getting clothes and the like as presents. That changed because I'd be happy to get anything at all as a Christmas gift nowadays.

You never really see whats behind the scenes of all the Christmas prep being done as a kid but as you grow older, you get to see a little bit of that slowly but surely. Until you yourself is part of it for awhile....until you're just too tired to do anything so you just order food and stuff.

Christmas for me has become sad as it has just become any other day. Maybe its because  its just me and my older brother at home. Maybe its because "the spirit" isn't there anymore.

Altho I'm still lucky as I get to celebrate it still because im still here despite of everything. That a few of my friends still find time to greet and and even give me presents even if I can't give any presents back.

If the rest of the family was here or me and my bro went to visit relatives then I would prolly have my festive Christmas mood on. 

But as it is now, i'd just eat and greet a few people when the clock strikes twelve and move along.

I wish anyone who's sti8ll here reading this a very Merry Christmas to you and your family. Thank you for finding the time to read this. I wholly appreciate it.

Now what?

 I'm 37 and most people my age (or younger) are already married, maybe have their own house. They're prolly thinking of having kids or already have them. In short, they all have their futures planned.

I was somewhat the the same a few years back but I learned that not all things happen as planned and things can change in an instant. It hit me hard when I was told that I wasn't in their future despite they being in mine.

Funny thing.

It also didn't happen just that once tho.

I tried again but things turned out mostly the same.

Since I was thinking of the future with them, I made future plans that revolved with them. When I was left behind, those plans just vanished and I really couldn't do it on my own. I guess I prolly could but I was so distraught at both times that it didn't matter.

Now, I don't have any desire for the future. I don't have any plans at all. I've been unmotivated because anytime I try to think up of something, it ,just doesn't work out and I've been just so disillusioned of it all. I've been so tired and drained of everything.

I'll be fine just being able to have a job and to be able to have good health. If I'll be happy as well then that's a good bonus. I don't have the motivation to aim for anything else or something higher.

I've just been so jaded of it all. The current pandemic hasn't helped either.

That's why when I was asked "how do you see yourself 10.. 5 years from now?" a year ago, I just laughed and said, "alive".

The future or lack thereof.

When I was young, all I thought about for the future was that I wanted to be a soldier. At the time I always played with toy soldiers and GI Joes (well the few ones I had) so those prolly influenced me. It changed to being a police officer but that was even before highschool. Other than those, I never really thought about the future. I think the time I really started thinking about the future was when we moved to the province from the city. It was a pretty big move for the family because weve only moved once and we were still in the city near our grandparents (from my fathers side). Being in a new environment made me think of what to so and what'll happen next. There has been alot personal stuff that has been happening as well at the time and I also feel like this was also the time that I first felt depressed.

During the last few years of highschool, I wasnt sure of what course to take for college until I just settled on psychology because they didnt have alot of Math and because of my view of psychologists and therapists in movies and show. Helping people out to deal with their issues and problems felt like its for me since I was helping people out alot. I didnt even think about the future jobs I wanted as a kid. I didnt think I would make it and I just didnt feel like it.

During my college years, it ahs been apparent that I wont prolly wont be doing the work of those ive seen on the media. My country at the time didnt prioritize mental health and didnt have much jobs for my course when I graduate. Years later, in hindsight, I should have prolly went with another course most likely to have been a better fit for me (maybe?) which was MassCom.

The first few years of work that I did wasnt really fun or felt like it was for me (a little bit of secretarial work, photography, and then in the BPO industry). It felt more like, I need the work because I need to work now. I did manage to land a job that was a dream job I wanted butthe first one wasnt really that good. The job was being a Game Community Mod/ or a GM. Prolly anyone who has played online games dreamt of  being one. I kinda did and landing a dream job was supposed to be awesome but the first one wasnt. It kinda felt like a chore and tbh the account I was in had a game that wasnt that good and not that interesting to me. The management was also bad. At first I was happy because I had a close friend who was also working there (in fact, she told me about the job) but when she left, it all went downhill. I left just before the company closed down. I tried so hard to look for the same kind of work because it was fun and I wanted to find a workplace that was fun while working too. It didnt take long(ish) until I found a workplace where it felt like it wasnt work. I got really lucky. Also at the time I was with someone and tbh I was more into the work that the relationship (bad I know) that I sometimes forget to communicate and talk to my significant other. I was also lucky that she stayed with me despite of me being myself. It was also around that time that I actually thought of the future (with her). I mean if someone was willing to be with me through all of the tings then yknow, you get to start thinking and stuff. Needless to say, there were alot of plans and stuff that were thought out..maybe. I even went to baking class because I felt like I didnt want to be a burden and that i'd be able to help out more if I also knew how to bake. But alas it wasnt meant to be.

That and the death of my granmum really took a toll on me. Also my health wasnt that great at the time as well. All of the future plans were gone and I had no fall back at all. It took awhile before I got back on my feet being able to work again in a dream job I thought I could have which was working at/for a figure hobby shop. I also manage to get involved again with someone. With things seemingly going fine, I started thinking about the future again. I was at an age where I should be settling down and it felt like I wouldve but well..again, shit just happens yknow.

I got left behind again by the shop (it pulled out the bramch I was working in and wanted to just have the one a city away) and the girl (she cheated on me).

It seemed to me like everytime I thought about the future and tried planning for it, things seem to happen. So I stopped.

I just take it day to day now. I really dont see any future for me as ive experienced, things tend to change alot that it wont happen anyway.

Ive already worked my dream jobs (that also concerned my hobbies). I am still employed in a dream job as well (still hobbies) but with the current pandemic...well. 

I'll be 40 in a few years. I dont really know what future is there for me. Also, I dont feel like id be able to find someone to stay long enough.... rather ive given up hope on that end.

When I was asked by someone about how I see myself in 5..or 10 years...I replied with just, "ALIVE". ....and well hopefully happy too.

37

 I turned 37 this year and I still doesnt feel like I am. I still feela nd act like im 25..or 27..at least younger than I am. Im not really sure if its a good or bad thing.

A few nights after my birthday, I experienced what was a pretty strong anxiety attack. Prolly the strongest one ive had. I was having trouble sleeping because as usual my brain goes on and on with random thoughts and then it got to a point where I couldnt believe that its been 37 years. I thought that it was pretty unbelievable, like thinking that I was just 20 years old just some time ago. Thats when it went wrong. If the years go fast like that, I thought that ill be 40 in no time (in 3 years)...and if 20 years can go fast, ill be 60 wherein im not even sure if ill reach 60. I had doubts if ill even reach a day over 50. I had an extreme sense of FOMO when I thought that ill be dying. Ill be missing out on alot of stuff. New games, movies, anime, manga..alot of experiences. By then, my chest hurt and it began to be hard to breathe while my mind is still swirling with those thoughts. It felt like a nightmare I couldnt wake up from. Maybe it was sleep paralysis. I feel asleep somewhere along the way and such but I was awake...but thats basically what sleep paralysis is. I tried to slow down my breathing as best I could. Closed my eyes and tried to empty it and relax.

I havent had a night like that since but sleepless nights is still aplenty.

~

I dont know if I mentioned it before but ive mostly given up on certain things in life. Reaching 37 made it more clear. The pandemic hasnt been much of help too.

Damaged goods. Thats how I see myself. Like a broken clock thats only right twice a day.

The pandemic only made the loneliness worse. I doubt itll get better. It feels like its hopeless now. That I need to learn to be really alone until I die. Who'd want damaged goods right?

~

Things just hasnt been going well.

I admit that there has been small victories here and there but its been getting too far inbetween and it feels like its just going to go away.

~

37

growing old sucks. growing old by yourself sucks even more but thats just how it is.

Something obligatory.

Was actually thinking whether or not to write this down. That's why it took a few days. To be honest, I haven't been blogging/posting a lot. Its not because there's nothing to write about. It's mostly because I put it off a lot that I tend to just forget it.

As I try to remember 2015. All I could think of is that it wasn't such a bad year but it wasn't a purely good one either. It was just somewhere in the middle I guess.

Last year, I realized that I am not as strong as I was. I mean I was so stubborn in neglecting the things that would've made life easier and healthier for me. In the process, I got sicker than usual. I didn't have strength when I needed it.

I also realized that I was somewhat stuck again. Trying to figure out what to do in life. I didn't think much about what to do in the future. I've had ideas but I didn't know what to do with them. Around that time, I met new people and we all became really good close friends. One of them was trying to go follow his dream. To be honest his dream was also a dream of mine. Since I cannot go fulfill my own, then why not help a friend fulfill his and maybe in helping another we could both have our dreams come true. Seeing a close friend happy because his dream is being realized gave me me more than what I bargained for. It made me happy and have a sense of contentment. It made me feel like I have some kind of purpose again. It is nice to be needed and appreciated, even if you're just doing the little things. A reason why this part is a bit more detailed it's because that if it weren't for the shop then I don't know how my 2015 would've  been.

~

Despite some mishaps along the way, 2015 was pretty okay near the end.

I have a lot of people to thank because of that. They're the ones that made it great for me. I may not act like it but every single little thing you guys do for me means a lot and I appreciate it very much. I also apologize if I have ever been mean to any of you. I'm not perfect as you guys prolly know by now. Thank you for being there for me and not being tired of my shit. I hope all of you please stay bear with me in 2016. I wouldn't gotten here if it weren't for everyone's help.

~

Alright 2016. I'm ready.

Reunion

It was prolly the happiest I've been in a very long time.

..not discounting the fun times I've had with my friends of course. I've always had a lot of happy times with them. But ..it's a bit different with Family.

One reason why is because my family hasn't had a gathering like this in a very long time as well. Mom and her 10 siblings were all complete once again (plus a few of their spouses and some cousins) in one roof and it was pretty awesome.

All in all, we numbered around 30 people. We went from Guagua (ancestral home) to Baguio and then to Vigan. It was pretty much a very awesome trip.

Being able to reconnect with my aunt's, uncle's and cousins was cool. I did get asked a few questions I knew most of them will ask. I gave them a general answer and I get the usual response, most of which I heard  before. But it still felt reassuring as it now comes from family.

I was also given tons of advice..on everything. I just wish I had the confidence and strength my relatives have. Most of them have their own story to tell and share  with regards to their own experiences and hardships and that all of them had a lesson or two to impart with me. Be it either  in life, love or health.

Speaking of health....the diet sort of ..kinda went out the window once the relatives started arriving. All of them had chocolates to give and till now we have a fridge full of chocolates. Add to that the many times we went out and had a big meal in malls. Then there was that big food fest for the cousins in Guagua and then the whirlwind food encounters in Baguio and Vigan.

Sure there was a ton of food (mostly while in Vigan), I did try my best to avoid anything that could set back my health. Key word: Try LOL. Funny thing was, my Mom was on my case with eating fatty food but then again she didn't follow her own advice and she spent a few hours lying on the bed with prolly high BP, trying to sleep it off. Me? I know what my body can and cannot take. I had no High BP issues whatsoever despite my intake. So there :p

Anyway...

It's been almost two weeks since the trip and it has been more than a week since they all flew back to the US of A (and my sister back to SG). Life now has started to slow down to a crawl again and the house is as silent as it is almost empty. It's sad and depressing really but that's expected I guess. It would be nice it this was a yearly thing but well..financially it would be hard. Then again, hopefully it will again sooner rather than later.

For the curious, here is my lovable family:

in Guagua..

in Baguio...

in Vigan...

Knowing. Not knowing.

Being told how to live your life isn't really how some should live. But it is applicable for someone who has lost their way which is more or less a perfect description of how I am right now.

I know that I am not on the best path right now. Heck, I don't even know if I'm on a path. I don't even know what path to go on or if there's even a clear path for me to walk on to. People have always said to just go and forge your own way. Now, I know that I'm not doing anything to get on any kind of path but I know that every little step you do, no matter how insignificant, is still a step into the path you're going on. So maybe I am going on my way but it's just taking a lot of time.

I know I'm not a good guy. I know I can be pretty much of a douche, an asshole, an ingrate, a whiny bitch, a user, an abuser, a liar, a cheat, a hypocrite, a lazy-ass, insecure, paranoid, judgmental, and maybe some more. I acknowledge those facts about my self and I am not denying the fact that I've done a whole lot of wrong in my life and I still prolly will. At least that's the most honest thing I can say about me right now.

There are some things that you just cannot control, things that you don't get a say in, things that you can't get your hands on, and things that just go and pass you by. I've learned about these in the best AND worst ways ever possible. There are lessons to be learned and there are morals to the stories. The question is, did I learn anything? Maybe...maybe not. All I have is the knowledge. All I have are the emotions. The lessons will come in time.

So, in short, I am broken as broken would be. I would be lying if I said that everything was okay. It actually is and isn't all at the same time. It's not ideal, it's not perfect, but it is what it is. I can only blame myself, for all things I've done and for all the things I didn't do.

..then again, I'm a liar so why believe everything and anything you read here ...right?

Writing Block.

I wanted to write something.

It has been a long time since I did.

I even was in some sort of mood to write.

I wanted to assault that blank page of Word with words and make a story.

Unfortunately, I couldn't seem to write anything of significance. I tried doing something new. I tried writing a new story but nothing really came into place. It started out okay, I had the story in my head but I couldn't put it into clear words. I can't properly relay the story in my head through my hands for them to be able to type it into words. So I just stopped trying and saved the thing and hopefully I can continue it someday.

I then tried to write the continuation of my zombie story (new version is here while the original post is here). Again like the story mentioned above, I already have ideas in my head on how to continue what I wrote previously. But again I couldn't properly type it up. Rather than pushing it, I stopped.

The whole thing is so frustrating. I wanted to really go and write something but it was so hard to do so. Weirdly enough, here I am easily writing a post about my hard time writing stories. How weird and strange is that?

I'm not really a writer. I have not studied to be one nor trained. I just like writing my own stuff which started at around late 90's. Prior to writing stories, I used to write poetry. A LOT of poetry. Mostly about, you guessed it, love and loss. Come to think of it, i've never written any poetry as of late. It's been awhile. The last time was way back in college and it was for a girl.

Anyway.

I wish I could get back to writing my stories. To be honest, it's the only thing I can do where I think I can excel. Hopefully I get bitten by the bug again and just let the words flow and come up with something nice. It would be a nice distraction and a break from all the stuff happening around me.

Changes.

I think one of the more obvious changes I'd have recently is the fact that I'm trying to lose weight.

For the longest time my Mom, and my Cardio (as well as a few other relatives) has been telling me to lose weight. It's mostly because of my health issues. Losing weight can help me out a lot in improving my general condition but I really haven't taken it too seriously.

During the last few days of August, I started the whole shebang. I started talking morning walks which is a little difficult for someone like me who had on and off insomnia and a very late sleeper. I had to wake up really early to enjoy the last few hours before the sun showed its face. I also set a routine that as much as possible I walk for 40minutes...and if ever I can, stretch it to an hour. I haven't really done morning walks in a long time. I used to jog every morning prior to getting sick. Then when I got a bit better I tried jogging again which turned a bit disastrous so I reduced it to walking. That didn't last long though. Certain events made me just give up.

In addition to the morning walks, I have also decided to tone done my eating. If you've seen me eat, I eat a lot. I am a very avid eater. You would definitely enjoy my company when it's time to eat. Anyway, I toned down on my rice intake and unlike in the past where I only did it for a few days, I made it pretty sure that the routine stuck. It was hard though but after a few days, everything was fine. I even went two days without eating rice.

I was around 200lbs. when Mom and the siblings left for the US. I lost 15lbs. during those months of depression. And ever since I started walking and watching what I eat, I managed to lose 6lbs. in a week. I couldn't believe it myself but all the hard work paid off. I managed to lose weight and that alone is an achievement.

If you're prolly wondering why I just started taking the whole thing seriously...well, I was actually challenged to do so. The whole thing started because I was challenged to lose 20lbs. in 3 months or less. The payoff? Well the terms was that I was to be "given what I want" without even ever trying to establish what I wanted. Plus the mention of "a lot more motivation". Unfortunately, as what would normally happen to me, the whole thing was almost forgotten by the one who challenged me. So the whole might be just words and stuff but I don't mind. I really do need to lose weight so at least the whole thing started the whole thing. Well sure I was motivated by the fact that there would be something at the end of the rainbow if I do pull this off and lose 20lbs. (which is now down to 14lbs). I mean it would be nice if there was a payoff to all of this but I guess I just have to do the thing to find out.

Anyway, results have been good so far. 2 of my pants are loose and the tightest pair I have is also a bit loose. The brand new shorts that my brother bought me is much loose as well. I haven't had use for a belt for years and now it seems I am in need of one. My shirts have been loose as well. I think that as I continue to try and lose the target weight I will be needing a new wardrobe.

Despite the uncertainty of the challenge and it's "rewards and motivations". I will still go through with losing weight. For the past few months it felt like I haven't done anything at all to improve anything ever since "that" happened. So now, at least I have this.

In Addition:
I think that it's also an achievement to have done this on my own. I did not follow any dietary plan or enroll into any program. I am not starving myself and this isn't a crash diet. You just have to have willpower.

Six Months.

Time flies by so fast and it's already been half a year since you've left.

To be honest ...I've never really gotten used to it.

It's not hard to get emotional when I see pictures of you or even just being around the places you frequent in the house. But truth be told , I sometimes wish to see you roaming around the house like you usually do.

I've been so stuck since you've been gone. All the signs of weakness I tried not to show you has now overwhelmed and consumed me. I know for a fact that you wouldn't want me feeling this way. But I'm sorry...I failed. I just can't seem to just be my old self.

I can function as you can prolly see. I can still go on and continue with life. I can still smile and laugh and hopefully love. It's just that, I was hoping you'd still kinda be here for me as you always have. Whenever I'm feeling down, you'd make me something. You'd give me advice about life and everything even when I didn't need it. You were always there to support me even when no one else did.

It has been killing me that we didn't have enough time to talk during your last days. Then again, mostly it was because you were to weak to speak due to your condition. The last time we did talk though was when I was telling you about my graduation from baking class. You were awake and had your eyes on me. I gripped your hand tight as I was explaining and telling you everything. I was also holding back my tears avoid any cracking in my voice as I was talking. When I stopped, you had watery eyes and was mouthing something I couldn't decipher.

Then in a couple of days after that....you were gone.

I managed to go and finish baking classes but I couldn't manage to go to the graduation because I got sick from all the binge drinking and emotional distress. I haven't even baked something edible ever since.

If you have watched me for the past few months, I know you'd be disappointed in me. But I know that rather than give me a hard time about it, you'd just be there for me and give me a hug and tell me everything will be alright like you always did.

I could really use that hug and pep talk right now..because despite it all, I still have my doubts that everything will be alright.

I miss you Wiya. I'm trying but its been really, really hard. It's easy for me to just go and fake it when I go out and talk to people. But when I'm by myself, it all just gets me and I break down.

I miss you alot Wiya. I know that the reason you tried to hold on as long as you can was that you just wanted to see and leave us stable, secure and happy. My other siblings are doing well. I can't say that for myself.. I saw your letter. Well hidden among your old hospital bills and papers. It wasn't as much a letter of goodbye but a letter of instructions.  I'm sorry that I haven't done my part. I know a lot of people are very much disappointed in me. I hope I'm not a big disappointment to you as well.

"But Doctor... I am Pagliacci."

Ironic how a man who filled the world with laughter and smiles can be so full of sadness. So much so that he took his own life.

I was very very shocked to hear about Robin Williams' death in the wee hours of the morning. I was even more shocked to learn that he committed suicide and that he was really depressed.

I hope that he now finds the peace of mind he was looking for.

~

I am no stranger to depression. I was in a funk for almost a year and I'm gradually starting to climb out of the deep hole that my depressed self flung me into.

It is hell.

I have been told by a lot of friends and people that I should just shake it off, pay it no mind and just be happy. And I've told them a lot of times that it's just not that easy. They didn't believe me. They thought I was just throwing a pity party for myself. They never really understood why I was like that. To them I was such a happy go lucky person. I was the one making jokes during hangouts and everyone laughed at them.

But they had enough. So they left.

A few stayed behind. Trying to talk me out of stupid things I might do. They were there for me at my lowest and I got pretty low. So low that I bought myself some sleeping pills, gobbled them all up and washed it down with some Jack Daniels. I didn't really care what will happen to me. As long as the hurting and pain and the sadness went away then it's fine. I didn't care about anyone else, on who might be hurt or how they will deal with it. I know i'll be gone and it won't matter to me.

But it didn't happen. I woke up in the wee hours of early morning, dazed and confused. I felt lightheaded and sick. I then felt like vomiting really bad, good thing the bathroom was near. I was in there puking my guts out prolly for a good 15 minutes and then I proceeded to remove all traces of everything.

Was I glad that it didn't push through? I dunno. But that wasn't my first attempt.

~

Hopefully people would see depression in a different light and hopefully they would know how to act when they see their friends get depressed.

How.

There are alot of things that is easier said than done.

Forgetting is one of them. Moreso if you are trying to forget someone on purpose. I mean it would prolly depend on which people you choose to forget.

Actually, it would be alot easier to forget someone if said person did something bad/wrong. Or if a person is just that forgettable because they're too plain or unexciting.

Bot how..how can you forget someone that made such an impact on your life?

I have mentioned before , that forgetting is such a bitch. Its too damn hard. Its not like its as easy as deleting their pictures on your phone or PC or profile. Trying to "purge" someone out of your system is more harder than trying to stop smoking..or taking drugs....or both.

To not care, hell, to not even give a damn about someone that meant to you so much and that has done so much in your life is not a very simple nor easy task. But it has to be done. No matter how hard it is or how painful, it has to be done.

Problem is that even if you did manage to forget someone, there are alot of things in the world that can make you remember them.

A song, a comic, a certain food, a certain smell, a restaurant, a movie, a certain colour, a cartoon character, an animal, an action figure, a hobby, a pastry, certain clothing, a certain date, a certain month, a certain event, a TV show, a cartoon, a cartoon character.

Lots and lots and lots of stuff.

I wish it was easy as storing things away. That all of the memories can be just boxed up and put away into the deepest and darkest part of your closet along with the other mementos.

Its not as if all of the memories were bad though.

The computer crashed. BSOD. I couldnt save anything. All the files have been destroyed. Gone.

Find a restore point prior to everything that happened. Clean slate. Start and write another story.

If it were just that easy.

Revelations v2

I didn't expect it. But out of the blue, she came out of the woodwork and started talking to me.

...and then she proceeded to tell me the things I needed to hear almost a year and two months ago.

But now knowing the truth...it all just makes me feel so worse.

It's...just so unfair. Everything feels so fucking unfair.

I don't regret the fact that I did let her go..in order to chase her dream in another country. I am proud to say that I was very supportive. But how the whole thing ended up, it seems just so one-sided. That she suddenly changed into something so drastic, that she decided that of all the other people that shouldn't be part of her future....I was it. That I was the expandable one. Im not conceited enough to think that I shouldn't be expendable but I just thought that with all the things we went through together, I thought I'd be the last one on that expendable list.

I have been at my best behavior. I have been good. And yet, somehow, life fucks me up. That when I thought I have found something beautiful and permanent, life just fucks me up and screws me over with this.

It makes me feel so worthless.

It's 4am (where she is) and she's prolly sound asleep. It's 2am where I am and I'm wide awake, tears in my eyes, cursing my fate.

Revelations.

Redacted

After viewing and re-reading it over and over I decided to remove this entry.

I was hurt and yes a bit mad  and was emotionally unstable as I wrote it. it may have prolly been misread by people.

Musings.

"It's her loss, not yours."

Alot of friends and family has told me and will prolly keep on telling me this. But it doesn't feel that way. It feels the other way around. She meant everything...she was everything to me...I don't really know if she felt the same way. I wish I could say yes...but with how things are its likely a "no".

I mean who am I to be even considered someone's "loss"..? It's pretty obvious (at least to her) that I am no one important. I have no work at the moment as I have a heart condition. What have I got to be considered someone's loss? I am nothing I have nothing.

Really.

If it is her loss and not mine then why am I the one feeling  so empty? Why am I the one who can't sleep at night?


~ ~ ~


I have no idea what to do next. I mentioned this a few posts back. But I think that it's more likely that I have no motivation to do something...anything at all.

It feels like I've wasted money by not being able to put to practical use the things I've learnt from baking class. I have not baked a thing since the accreditation test (fuck, I don't even know where that paper where it says I passed is). I haven't even contacted the school with regards to my "diploma" since I wasn't able to join the "graduation" due to health issues.

It feels like I can't even bake a simple thing like a bread roll despite having the tools to do so. Slowly and surely, I think all the baking knowledge I had learned will just go and escape me.

I just have the strength and will to do anything else. Of course I am not content with my situation, who doesn't? But I just feel like nothing. It takes a great deal to just get out of bed. If I didn't need to go eat or go to the bathroom then I could just stay in bed the whole day. It's not laziness. It's something else.


~ ~ ~


I don't know how to feel anymore.

When I'm on Facebook and talk to my friends, I act okay. I share and post stupid things just to make sure that the act has a strong foundation. I figured i'd spare them all of how pathetic I am and how pathetic I feel right now.

On Tumblr...if they could ever go visit it, they'd think I was borderline suicidal. I might be. I dunno.

It has been a year and I am still in the same place I was....with the same confusion and depression. Last year was prolly the worst year of my life. This year started the same. So you have to forgive me if I don't see the positivity of it all.

Even my bestfriend, who is just living in the same subdivision as I am, doesn't know what to do with me.

It sucks. But that's how it is...and that's how I am right now. I know no one will and prolly can save me. I can't even save me from myself.