Saturday, August 23, 2014

Six Months.

Time flies by so fast and it's already been half a year since you've left.

To be honest ...I've never really gotten used to it.

It's not hard to get emotional when I see pictures of you or even just being around the places you frequent in the house. But truth be told , I sometimes wish to see you roaming around the house like you usually do.

I've been so stuck since you've been gone. All the signs of weakness I tried not to show you has now overwhelmed and consumed me. I know for a fact that you wouldn't want me feeling this way. But I'm sorry...I failed. I just can't seem to just be my old self.

I can function as you can prolly see. I can still go on and continue with life. I can still smile and laugh and hopefully love. It's just that, I was hoping you'd still kinda be here for me as you always have. Whenever I'm feeling down, you'd make me something. You'd give me advice about life and everything even when I didn't need it. You were always there to support me even when no one else did.

It has been killing me that we didn't have enough time to talk during your last days. Then again, mostly it was because you were to weak to speak due to your condition. The last time we did talk though was when I was telling you about my graduation from baking class. You were awake and had your eyes on me. I gripped your hand tight as I was explaining and telling you everything. I was also holding back my tears avoid any cracking in my voice as I was talking. When I stopped, you had watery eyes and was mouthing something I couldn't decipher.

Then in a couple of days after were gone.

I managed to go and finish baking classes but I couldn't manage to go to the graduation because I got sick from all the binge drinking and emotional distress. I haven't even baked something edible ever since.

If you have watched me for the past few months, I know you'd be disappointed in me. But I know that rather than give me a hard time about it, you'd just be there for me and give me a hug and tell me everything will be alright like you always did.

I could really use that hug and pep talk right now..because despite it all, I still have my doubts that everything will be alright.

I miss you Wiya. I'm trying but its been really, really hard. It's easy for me to just go and fake it when I go out and talk to people. But when I'm by myself, it all just gets me and I break down.

I miss you alot Wiya. I know that the reason you tried to hold on as long as you can was that you just wanted to see and leave us stable, secure and happy. My other siblings are doing well. I can't say that for myself.. I saw your letter. Well hidden among your old hospital bills and papers. It wasn't as much a letter of goodbye but a letter of instructions.  I'm sorry that I haven't done my part. I know a lot of people are very much disappointed in me. I hope I'm not a big disappointment to you as well.

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