"But Doctor... I am Pagliacci."

Ironic how a man who filled the world with laughter and smiles can be so full of sadness. So much so that he took his own life.

I was very very shocked to hear about Robin Williams' death in the wee hours of the morning. I was even more shocked to learn that he committed suicide and that he was really depressed.

I hope that he now finds the peace of mind he was looking for.

~

I am no stranger to depression. I was in a funk for almost a year and I'm gradually starting to climb out of the deep hole that my depressed self flung me into.

It is hell.

I have been told by a lot of friends and people that I should just shake it off, pay it no mind and just be happy. And I've told them a lot of times that it's just not that easy. They didn't believe me. They thought I was just throwing a pity party for myself. They never really understood why I was like that. To them I was such a happy go lucky person. I was the one making jokes during hangouts and everyone laughed at them.

But they had enough. So they left.

A few stayed behind. Trying to talk me out of stupid things I might do. They were there for me at my lowest and I got pretty low. So low that I bought myself some sleeping pills, gobbled them all up and washed it down with some Jack Daniels. I didn't really care what will happen to me. As long as the hurting and pain and the sadness went away then it's fine. I didn't care about anyone else, on who might be hurt or how they will deal with it. I know i'll be gone and it won't matter to me.

But it didn't happen. I woke up in the wee hours of early morning, dazed and confused. I felt lightheaded and sick. I then felt like vomiting really bad, good thing the bathroom was near. I was in there puking my guts out prolly for a good 15 minutes and then I proceeded to remove all traces of everything.

Was I glad that it didn't push through? I dunno. But that wasn't my first attempt.

~

Hopefully people would see depression in a different light and hopefully they would know how to act when they see their friends get depressed.