A few days after my birthday I began to experience stomach pain. I attributed it to the lots of drinking and eating that happened the past few days. I didn't think it would be anything but just an upset stomach.
I was wrong.
Days before the last baking class, I was already experiencing more pain than ever and have been having sleepless nights because of it. One thing I dreaded was the fact that I was having trouble breathing again. Just moving a little would make me loss breath alot and that worried me.
On the morning of the last Baking Class, I was still feeling pain but when I ate a little breakfast it went away. I was still experiencing lossness of breath though but I still managed to drive to class. However I knew I was in trouble when just going from the car to the building where we held class almost took out everything from me. I tried to compose my self as I went thru the door and tried to sleep it off before class started.
I managed to prepare the ingredients we needed that day but after that I was out of breath and again and tired. Our instructor noticed that I was looking a bit pale than usual. I just told them I just came from being sick and continued to sit and rest but our instructor said that I was really looking paler than usual even for her. She even told me to just go home and rest so that I can attend the graduation.
I said no but I wished I said yes.
Lunchtime came and all I did was sleep. I thought sleeping would work and make me have enoguh strength to move about but as I went with my friends to eat out, walking from the building to the nearby mall took my breath away...literally. I was leaning near the entrance wall gasping for air. I tried to hide it but when youre gasping for air people would notice. My friends got worried but I just told them I needed air. I was drenched in cold sweat, something was definitely wrong. I let my friends go on and eat lunch and after a few minutes I followed them and ordered fries and a burger which I couldnt even finish.
On the way back I was feeling a bit okay. I was so wrong. As we got near our building I almost couldnt walk nor talk. I let my friends go on to class as I tried to get myself to the veranda and sit myself down to rest. It took alot of my strength just to get to that place and it was just so near. I was feeling bad and I could feel it getting worse. I sat there for almost 5 minutes before heading into class.
My friends were already busy making the recipe and stuff. I noticed they were talking to the instructor about me and when she saw me, she exclaimed I was paler than ever and insisted I go home. I didn't say no this time around. As I was packing my things and apologizing to my friends for leaving I noticed I was feeling light-headed. Good thing our instructor noticed that too and said, "Can you even drive in your condition? D'you need someone to drive you?". Before I could answer someone already volunteered and then someone else would be driving behind us so they can go back to class after.
I appreciated that my friend drove me home. She prolly didnt notice but I was trying not too look to sick or pale so she wont be worried while driving. In truth, I thought I was going to throw up because of what I felt that day. We got home okay and I said my thanks as they drove back to class. I immediately slumped over the living room sofa. The pain was really beginning to hurt and not only was I almost always out of breath, it really felt hard to move around.
I missed my baking class graduation because of it and I regret every minute of not being able to attend.
The day after class, I couldn't bear the pain any longer. It has now moved to the left side of my body. I asked my brother to get me to the hospital. By the wee early hours of that monday, I was already admitted in the hospital and was being stuck by needles and given medicine.There was this one time I was in so much pain, I was literally screaming. They gave me novaine [? dont know how it was spelled] for the pain and I was out like a light. That is until they woke me up for 2-d echo tests, ultrasound, x-ray, etc.
The before I got out they told me I had Gallstones. That they were the one causing me pain BUT they wont be doing anything to them unless they fix my heart condition first. With that my fear was made true. It was back. The dilated cardiomyopathy in 2007 was back. With a vengeance as they discovered blood clots in my heart.
Relapse.
To be honest, I was scared. That at any time those clots can go and block thing that can make my heart cease to function. I just turned 30, I thought, it cant end like this. My cardio was more optimistic than I was of course. He prescribed me with enough medicine and a diet to help me out.
After almost a week being in the hospital, I finally got out. I know face the demons I fought almost 7 years ago. This time though, I'm all alone.
Mom's in the US. Wiya is gone. She....left before everyone else did.
I guess its a good thing my older bro was here else i'd be totally alone with no direct support. That wouldve sucked, being all alone. Then again Ive been literally been alone ever since anyway.
I always thought that my heart condition would come back to haunt me but I never thought that it would be this early and be this worse. I am now on a strict diet and have more medication than Wiya had when she was still around. It makes me feel like an 80 year old man.
The worst thought I have is that what if everyone went out and I was all by myself and I suddenly suffer a stroke?
That would really suck.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
The Fight is Over.
When the fighting is over
Coz our mouths have just run dry
As our feelings get colder
There's nothing to hold us now
Gave all this time just to be let down
Can you explain to me?
What has become of us?
With words released
We can never take them back
Not even pleading can save us
I know you'll meet someone better
But would you still think of me
If he can't hold you like I did
Would you run back to me?
Yes, I know this pain shall pass
Gave all this time still we couldn't last
Explain to me
What has become of us?
With words released
We can never take them back
For all that were worth now
Not even pleading can save us
How did we end this way?
Our promises thrown away
All the years we built, broken up
See it crashing down
I have to say
Though alone in this crazy sea of faces
It's still your face I wanna know
Explain to me
What has become of us?
With words released
We can never take them back
For all that were worth now
Not even pleading can save us
Can't save us now
The fighting is over
The fighting is over
The fighting is over
The fighting is over now...
Monday, March 10, 2014
Thursday, March 6, 2014
30.
This wasn't how envisioned how things will be when I turn 30.
I thought that i'd have a stable job at someplace nice. I thought i'd be married or engaged. I thought Wiya would still be there to cook me my 30th bday spaghetti.
But as it was made evident to me months ago. Things change. People change. Everything changes.
~
Age is just a number.
I think that proves true for me since obviously I don't act my age. But it isn't an indicator that I'm not serious. I can be when needed...when I want to. But I'm just not that kind of guy.
Then again..being 30 makes you think.
That I am not that young anymore. And that most men in the family don't reach their late 40's [Dad died in his mid-30s and his brother, my uncle, died around his mid-40s].
Will I suffer the same fate?
~
I don't really know what's the next step for me now.
Sure, I have my options..both have their pros and cons. But I'm still at a loss.
These are the times when Wiya will talk me through what to do next. But she's gone.
Most of my loved people have either gone and /or left me.
That's how being 30 feels like to me.
Empty.
I thought that i'd have a stable job at someplace nice. I thought i'd be married or engaged. I thought Wiya would still be there to cook me my 30th bday spaghetti.
But as it was made evident to me months ago. Things change. People change. Everything changes.
~
Age is just a number.
I think that proves true for me since obviously I don't act my age. But it isn't an indicator that I'm not serious. I can be when needed...when I want to. But I'm just not that kind of guy.
Then again..being 30 makes you think.
That I am not that young anymore. And that most men in the family don't reach their late 40's [Dad died in his mid-30s and his brother, my uncle, died around his mid-40s].
Will I suffer the same fate?
~
I don't really know what's the next step for me now.
Sure, I have my options..both have their pros and cons. But I'm still at a loss.
These are the times when Wiya will talk me through what to do next. But she's gone.
Most of my loved people have either gone and /or left me.
That's how being 30 feels like to me.
Empty.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Wiya.
I'm not even sure how it came about but we have been calling her "Wiya" ever since we were small. It's a name that is a far cry from her real name "Trinidad".
But we called her so. And we will still keep calling her by that name till we too have passed.
~
I can't really recall my earliest memory of her but we did have a lot of fun and fond memories.
During summer break from grade school, she would go and tell us to make money by selling ice candy or pastillas. Of course she made all the ice candy and pastillas by herself. I tried helping but the chubby kid I was back then, I end up eating most of it.
We did make some money which we prolly spent on Jollibee [Wiya obviously added more money for that to be possible.
With that beginning, I sort of "branched out" and tried selling my NBA cards around my neighborhood. My uncle had a sign made so that I can hang it on our gate. It wasn't that much good a venture as most kids would want to trade but it was fine. Wiya was happy I was keeping myself busy like that.
~
I also remember that Wiya started my love for reading.
She was a very avid reader herself and had a ton of books and novels. Sometimes she comes home from her teaching job at Feati University with a plastic bag containing Tintin graphic novels and/or Archie comics. Me and my brother almost completed all of the Tintin books via Wiya.
When I got a bit older, Wiya and I would go to the local mall and hit up the nearby Booksale. She would go browse the Novels section while I perused the bargain comics bins. In fact, we did that at every Booksale we went to. Even up to the point before she got really sick. Whenever we went to a mall, we would go straight for Booksale or if it was a mall we havent been to then we'd go find if there was a Booksale in it.
I owe my love of reading to her. And reading has opened up new worlds for me and managed to broaden my horizons.
Going into a Booksale will never be the same again for me. I'll be always looking over the aisles and over the books and look for Wiya as she looked over what books to buy.
~
She also jump started my Music collection which in turn jump started my love for music.
It's true that my Dad introduced me and my siblings to music via The Beatles and that my Uncle [his brother] introduced me to a whole wide variety of genres. But it was Wiya who contributed to the small collection of cassettes I have.
My Dad and Uncle had a BIG music library ranging from Vinyl to Cassettes to CD's. So it was only naturally that I was jealous since my collection/library was at most just 4 cassettes. But Wiya changed that. Everytime we went to a mall [on weekends], she'd let me buy one or two cassettes. That really got me into alot of good music. This was around early to mid 90's.
~
When my Uncle died, I quit my job in Pampanga and moved back in with Wiya. My Uncle was the only family she had left as my Lolo and Dad years ago. So it was now my time to take care of her. But as it always would happen, she ended up taking care of me.
As the weeks went by, she prolly noticed how bored and unproductive I was. Wiya didn't want me to be so stagnant. She told me that I was young and that I should be going out there doing something. "What do you want to do?" she asked me.
At the time, digital photography was still just starting and as I browsed the web and read articles and marveled at the pictures, I told her that I wanted to get into photography. I was hesitant though since the gear was a bit costly. But she got me the gear and enrolled me to a photography class to boot.
I was glad that she did what she did. Photography has opened alot of doors and options for me during that time. I met alot of new people, made alot of new friends, went to alot of new places I thought I never could go, I took alot of great pictures. I don't shoot as much as before but I still loved taking pictures. Wiya always told me to have my shots printed and kept in an album. Unfortunately my hard drive crashed before I could do so. But seeing her happy and marveling at my shots even if they're crappy felt really, really good.
~
She also loved watching sitcoms.
She loved watching Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother and Glee. She utterly loved NCIS though. she'd watch it over and over.
We'd always go and talk about what happened next episode since I watch episodes more earlier than cable tv here airs them.
She usually watched them till she fell asleep.
We even got cable tv hooked up when we had her over when she got sick then we'd watch her shows.
~
A little more recently, I let her meet a girl which she absolutely adored. She treated this girl like a granddaughter and was always welcome at her house.
She then found out about the future plans me and the girl had and she was extremely happy and excited.
But things don't go as planned.
I was left alone with alot of questions in my head. It was really a bad time for me. But Wiya was there for me and comforted me. And like she told me before, she didn't want me to be so stagnant and unproductive. Moreso wallowing in depression and despair. So she told me to just continue with the future plans sans the girl. She would be more than happy to shoulder the expenses.
And with that, I started taking up Baking Classes from one of the best teachers/mentors around.
She was still staying in Manila at the time and I always made sure to ask my instructors if the baked goods we made would be still good enough to eat a few days after we made it so that Wiya can taste them. She managed to taste a few of them before she got really, really sick.
But a few days before she left us. I managed to tell her about my progress and how I'll be graduating soon. I noticed she tried blinking her eyes and she was moving her mouth or at least trying to as if she was trying to say something. I knew she heard me at the time and that she understood. I wish I could have heard how proud she was of me.
Recently, the whole class underwent TESDA certification and by hard work we all passed. It was nerve-wracking for me but I knew that somewhere Wiya was there guiding me along.
~
As you have prolly noticed, you might be thinking one thing. Wiya spoiled me. Well not only me but me and her siblings. I think that's a given since we were the only "direct" grandkids she had. And isn't it part of being a grandparent to spoil their grandkids?
Despite the fact that she spoiled me, she also raised me to not be a brat..a spoiled rotten brat. of course I grew up to be somehting else but at least it wasn't that something that Wiya didn't want me to be.
Also, Wiya supposrted me in everything that I did and wanted to do. And I do mean everything. No matter how far fetched or stupid it was. She was always there to back me up. She was always there to pick me up when I fell. She was always there to comfort me when I was down. The point is, she was always there for me.
Now...she's gone.
It was all too fast.
I didn't even get to say a proper goodbye.
I didn't even get to apologize for my faults.
I didn't get to say that I love her very much.
I miss her. Alot. Her smile. Her laugh. How she suddenly just sings out of nowhere. How she playfully says "And sooo..".
The house feels so empty. I feel so empty.
But I am comforted by the fact that she's in a way better place than I am now. And that she's finally resting and without pain. And that she is now with Lolo, Dad and Uncle along with ALOT of our old dogs.
Wherever you are Wiya. Please continue to be there for me. I am getting older myself and I need guidance now more than ever. Feel free to visit me or my dreams at any time. i am open to talking with you and catching up.
I'll be with you soon enough.
But we called her so. And we will still keep calling her by that name till we too have passed.
~
I can't really recall my earliest memory of her but we did have a lot of fun and fond memories.
During summer break from grade school, she would go and tell us to make money by selling ice candy or pastillas. Of course she made all the ice candy and pastillas by herself. I tried helping but the chubby kid I was back then, I end up eating most of it.
We did make some money which we prolly spent on Jollibee [Wiya obviously added more money for that to be possible.
With that beginning, I sort of "branched out" and tried selling my NBA cards around my neighborhood. My uncle had a sign made so that I can hang it on our gate. It wasn't that much good a venture as most kids would want to trade but it was fine. Wiya was happy I was keeping myself busy like that.
~
I also remember that Wiya started my love for reading.
She was a very avid reader herself and had a ton of books and novels. Sometimes she comes home from her teaching job at Feati University with a plastic bag containing Tintin graphic novels and/or Archie comics. Me and my brother almost completed all of the Tintin books via Wiya.
When I got a bit older, Wiya and I would go to the local mall and hit up the nearby Booksale. She would go browse the Novels section while I perused the bargain comics bins. In fact, we did that at every Booksale we went to. Even up to the point before she got really sick. Whenever we went to a mall, we would go straight for Booksale or if it was a mall we havent been to then we'd go find if there was a Booksale in it.
I owe my love of reading to her. And reading has opened up new worlds for me and managed to broaden my horizons.
Going into a Booksale will never be the same again for me. I'll be always looking over the aisles and over the books and look for Wiya as she looked over what books to buy.
~
She also jump started my Music collection which in turn jump started my love for music.
It's true that my Dad introduced me and my siblings to music via The Beatles and that my Uncle [his brother] introduced me to a whole wide variety of genres. But it was Wiya who contributed to the small collection of cassettes I have.
My Dad and Uncle had a BIG music library ranging from Vinyl to Cassettes to CD's. So it was only naturally that I was jealous since my collection/library was at most just 4 cassettes. But Wiya changed that. Everytime we went to a mall [on weekends], she'd let me buy one or two cassettes. That really got me into alot of good music. This was around early to mid 90's.
~
When my Uncle died, I quit my job in Pampanga and moved back in with Wiya. My Uncle was the only family she had left as my Lolo and Dad years ago. So it was now my time to take care of her. But as it always would happen, she ended up taking care of me.
As the weeks went by, she prolly noticed how bored and unproductive I was. Wiya didn't want me to be so stagnant. She told me that I was young and that I should be going out there doing something. "What do you want to do?" she asked me.
At the time, digital photography was still just starting and as I browsed the web and read articles and marveled at the pictures, I told her that I wanted to get into photography. I was hesitant though since the gear was a bit costly. But she got me the gear and enrolled me to a photography class to boot.
I was glad that she did what she did. Photography has opened alot of doors and options for me during that time. I met alot of new people, made alot of new friends, went to alot of new places I thought I never could go, I took alot of great pictures. I don't shoot as much as before but I still loved taking pictures. Wiya always told me to have my shots printed and kept in an album. Unfortunately my hard drive crashed before I could do so. But seeing her happy and marveling at my shots even if they're crappy felt really, really good.
~
She also loved watching sitcoms.
She loved watching Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother and Glee. She utterly loved NCIS though. she'd watch it over and over.
We'd always go and talk about what happened next episode since I watch episodes more earlier than cable tv here airs them.
She usually watched them till she fell asleep.
We even got cable tv hooked up when we had her over when she got sick then we'd watch her shows.
~
A little more recently, I let her meet a girl which she absolutely adored. She treated this girl like a granddaughter and was always welcome at her house.
She then found out about the future plans me and the girl had and she was extremely happy and excited.
But things don't go as planned.
I was left alone with alot of questions in my head. It was really a bad time for me. But Wiya was there for me and comforted me. And like she told me before, she didn't want me to be so stagnant and unproductive. Moreso wallowing in depression and despair. So she told me to just continue with the future plans sans the girl. She would be more than happy to shoulder the expenses.
And with that, I started taking up Baking Classes from one of the best teachers/mentors around.
She was still staying in Manila at the time and I always made sure to ask my instructors if the baked goods we made would be still good enough to eat a few days after we made it so that Wiya can taste them. She managed to taste a few of them before she got really, really sick.
But a few days before she left us. I managed to tell her about my progress and how I'll be graduating soon. I noticed she tried blinking her eyes and she was moving her mouth or at least trying to as if she was trying to say something. I knew she heard me at the time and that she understood. I wish I could have heard how proud she was of me.
Recently, the whole class underwent TESDA certification and by hard work we all passed. It was nerve-wracking for me but I knew that somewhere Wiya was there guiding me along.
~
As you have prolly noticed, you might be thinking one thing. Wiya spoiled me. Well not only me but me and her siblings. I think that's a given since we were the only "direct" grandkids she had. And isn't it part of being a grandparent to spoil their grandkids?
Despite the fact that she spoiled me, she also raised me to not be a brat..a spoiled rotten brat. of course I grew up to be somehting else but at least it wasn't that something that Wiya didn't want me to be.
Also, Wiya supposrted me in everything that I did and wanted to do. And I do mean everything. No matter how far fetched or stupid it was. She was always there to back me up. She was always there to pick me up when I fell. She was always there to comfort me when I was down. The point is, she was always there for me.
Now...she's gone.
It was all too fast.
I didn't even get to say a proper goodbye.
I didn't even get to apologize for my faults.
I didn't get to say that I love her very much.
I miss her. Alot. Her smile. Her laugh. How she suddenly just sings out of nowhere. How she playfully says "And sooo..".
The house feels so empty. I feel so empty.
But I am comforted by the fact that she's in a way better place than I am now. And that she's finally resting and without pain. And that she is now with Lolo, Dad and Uncle along with ALOT of our old dogs.
Wherever you are Wiya. Please continue to be there for me. I am getting older myself and I need guidance now more than ever. Feel free to visit me or my dreams at any time. i am open to talking with you and catching up.
I'll be with you soon enough.
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