I have alot of things in my mind. I have done alot of drafts. Erased sentences and paragraphs. But it still didnt feel right. I cannot properly convey the things in my head right now.

All that I know is that I feel so lost. That I feel so defeated. I feel that this is such a cruel punishment. To feel this almost everyday.

isnt it enough?

...

You are angry.

But you cannot be.

There are reasons why.

So you focus the anger on yourself.
It eats you up.
Its not a good feeling.
So you try to dispose of it.
You punch the wall with your bare fist.
It hurts.
The anger is still there.
You are still angry at yourself.
So you do it again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
You divert your anger to control the pain.
You repeat until pain now overwhelms you.

You lean on the wall you were punching.
You see that your right hand is red.
You slide down and take a seat.
You are now slumped on the cold hard floor.
Its not comfortable but you dont care.

A new emotion comes in.
But the anger isnt gone.
Its just driven deep inside of you.
You are now trying to stop yourself from crying.
You cannot stop it.
So you just let it be.
You feel hurt and pain.
But not from punching the wall.
This is more severe than physical pain.

This is where you question yourself.
This is where you doubt yourself.
This is where you just stop caring.
This is where you will entertain certain ideas.
This is where you will choose.

Is it?

I asked that question because it was something I really wanted to ask. It wasn't for attention or to fish for pity. But hey, you think what you want. Everyone's allowed to have their own opinion. I wont hold it against you.

Is it okay for me to be alive?

It feels that all that I've been doing lately is wrong. Making wrong choices and decisions. Saying the wrong things. There just some things that seem wrong. But hey, making the wrong choice and decisions will ultimately end up wrong isn't it?

Anhedonia has been slowly creeping in. Though some things are still okay. But there are times when stuff just feels like nothing.

I feel like I'm becoming just a burden to everyone. At some point in time, all the wrong things will catch up to me and I'm afraid that people I care about would get hurt by me or something else. ....unless it happened already.

Being on autopilot can only do so much. It feels like living a lie. So is it ok for me to be alive? I'm having a hard time seeing that it is.