37

 I turned 37 this year and I still doesnt feel like I am. I still feela nd act like im 25..or 27..at least younger than I am. Im not really sure if its a good or bad thing.

A few nights after my birthday, I experienced what was a pretty strong anxiety attack. Prolly the strongest one ive had. I was having trouble sleeping because as usual my brain goes on and on with random thoughts and then it got to a point where I couldnt believe that its been 37 years. I thought that it was pretty unbelievable, like thinking that I was just 20 years old just some time ago. Thats when it went wrong. If the years go fast like that, I thought that ill be 40 in no time (in 3 years)...and if 20 years can go fast, ill be 60 wherein im not even sure if ill reach 60. I had doubts if ill even reach a day over 50. I had an extreme sense of FOMO when I thought that ill be dying. Ill be missing out on alot of stuff. New games, movies, anime, manga..alot of experiences. By then, my chest hurt and it began to be hard to breathe while my mind is still swirling with those thoughts. It felt like a nightmare I couldnt wake up from. Maybe it was sleep paralysis. I feel asleep somewhere along the way and such but I was awake...but thats basically what sleep paralysis is. I tried to slow down my breathing as best I could. Closed my eyes and tried to empty it and relax.

I havent had a night like that since but sleepless nights is still aplenty.

~

I dont know if I mentioned it before but ive mostly given up on certain things in life. Reaching 37 made it more clear. The pandemic hasnt been much of help too.

Damaged goods. Thats how I see myself. Like a broken clock thats only right twice a day.

The pandemic only made the loneliness worse. I doubt itll get better. It feels like its hopeless now. That I need to learn to be really alone until I die. Who'd want damaged goods right?

~

Things just hasnt been going well.

I admit that there has been small victories here and there but its been getting too far inbetween and it feels like its just going to go away.

~

37

growing old sucks. growing old by yourself sucks even more but thats just how it is.

Unexpected.

As mentioned a few blog posts back, my 1TB external HD is in somewhat of a stasis. Now recently, my camera's shutter button was failing. I managed to get in one more shoot before it almost failed to to "click" every time. I went to the service center a few days back and while inspecting my gear they noticed my kit lens was having problems as well. It was going to take a few weeks [since it was the holidays] and money I didn't have at the moment to get it fixed. I just told them i'd be back in January.

On the way home, I was contemplating to ask my sister for funds just incase she had extra cash. My younger sister came home from Singapore to celebrate the Holidays with us. Lucky for me, she knows how to save her money. Even luckier, she agreed to lend me the funds I needed and I could still use the camera [but only in Manual settings] during the New Year celebration.

Moving on...

I woke up early this morning and everything felt normal.

We had prior plans to go to Manila and spend the day with Granma and our sister and then go back home along with them but the plan changed. Due to the fact that the places we wanted to go were mostly likely jam-packed with people. We can't go around much with a senior citizen in tow. We moved it this coming sunday and hopefully we can settle on where to go.

During the time they [Mom talking to my Granma on the phone] were still talking, I turned on my PC thinking of squeezing in a few hours of time online before going to Manila.

Suddenly, something went wrong.

The screen got stuck at the "Verifying DMI Pool" screen. A few restarts later, as well as mini heart attacks, it was still the same. I borrowed my older brother's iPad and googled about the issue. It seems that something was wrong with either the software or hardware. I read a few troubleshooting tips and a few articles about the issue but it didn't help.

I was irritated, frustrated and dumb founded as to how it happened. Good thing I posted my problem in a particular facebook group of old friends from a former workplace. I knew that they had enough knowledge to help me out.

While waiting for replies on my post, my older bro also researched on the issue and was trying to help me out. He tried getting me a copy of my operating systems' installer CD as it contained a recovery program. When I read my friends' replies, most of it was the same thing. One of my more tech savvy friends suggested I take out my internal HD and try running it externally on another PC. I could've done that ASAP but I was afraid to find out if ever the HD was the one that's borked or not. My older bro suggested we wait for the CD, so I did.

Before we went about the business of trying to fix my PC, me and my siblings went out a bit and visited the nearby mall. We had my younger brother's PC fitted a new RAM and got a few things and then went home. On the drive home we came across an accident. A military man was face down on the ground, his motorcycle broken near him. A few early responders were at the scene trying to take care of him and talk to him. It seems he was sideswiped by a car [the said car and driver/passengers were still at the scene]. As we drove by, it looked like he was moving a bit and talking. We all hoped he was going to be okay.

I then realized how small my current problem was and how I fretted over something trivial. Sure it was an unfortunate and unexpected occurance BUT it could've been worse.

In the end, we found out that my C drive somehow got corrupted and we had to reformat and reinstall everything. Good thing 80% of my data is in my D drive. So it wasn't a total loss. I just hope that it doesn't happen again.

I can't take these unexpected and unfortunate events.




moving on..
~ the alansong ~

A lapse of Judgement..

Why the title? Well, I experienced just that a few days ago....when I lost my brand new cellphone.

It seemed like a regular trek going home from werk [working a 12hour, 9am-9pm shift]. I was listening to music from my new phone and was on the way to ride the MRT with a friend/officemate [we both were heading the same way home].  The first red light actually came before me via the volume of people in line going to ride the MRt but I still opted to ride anyways. The 2nd was that me and my fiend usually got on the 1st train that comes in but this was not the case tonight. The 3rd was an unnerving feeling I had. I cannot explain why, but it felt like something was telling me not to push through riding the MRT.

But I shrugged it off.

The 4th train came and I was able to get in...but the music blasting in my headset stopped. I just thought that with the people, it must've caught someone going off and got ripped off the phone so I didn't pay attention.

How wrong I was.

When me and my friend was able to move further in the train, I felt for my phone and it was gone. The color of my face drained, I was wrapped in cold sweat and I felt my strength was sucked away. I then said out loud that my phone was gone and looked at the floor and the immediate surrounding...nothing.

Try as my friend might, she couldn't really console me. All that I kept saying after that was "fucking stupid" over and over again. Thoughts raced through my head, "What will my granmum say?" "fucking stupid" "I knew I should've taken the bus" "This is one of the reasons why I hate the morning shift"..

I went home as fats as I could and told my granmum about it. I kind of woke her up but i did have to tell her. I wanted to apologize to her because of what happened. Why? She helped me buy that cellphone [which we had a deal that I will pay her monthly]. And losing it felt that I lost her trust in me and showed that I was careless with the thing she gave me. I really felt guilty.

Why?

This was the real first cellphone that was bought for me. Something that was brand new and wasn't a hand me down. Most of the previous phones I had was from my older brother. I'm not one to complain but it would've been nice to get a new phone. And now that I was able to get one, I lost it to a darn pickpocket.

You see, I haven't had any incident like this...ever. Even from previous jobs where I went home late. The only time I only got robbed was when I got mugged during highschool and a knife was placed upon my neck. After that incident,  I was now often wary of bag-slicers and snatchers on buses and people on the street. I was careful, I didn't want to make people worry. I even have an army knife tucked in my back pocket to ward of a mugger. But I couldn't stop a pickpocket.

Funny and tragic thing is, my girlfriend lost her phone a few weeks ago. It slipped from her pocket and was never to be seen again. I guess that's prolly one more thing we have in common. Anyhoo, I'm trying hard to see the silver lining in what happened. That it was better they got the phone and not my wallet as ALOT of things are currently in my wallet that's more important than a phone. That it was better than getting hurt in a mugging. I also thought that it was a little bit of divine intervention of sorts. That my phone getting stolen was some sort of sacrifice in order for my older bro to have a safe trip while he's in China and also safety for my younger sister who works as a nurse in Singapore. if that was the case, then i'd gladly sacrifice my phone for both of their safety. I'd rather have two great albeit irritable at times siblings rather than just have a phone.

...besides, I can get a new one but that's prolly going to take awhile.

I actually have thought about selling a few my toys to get funds for a new phone. But I'm still on the fence on that one as I think the ones i'll be selling off won't be enough.

Anyhoo, yesterday I didn't [prolly wont] go home via MRT. I went home via bus, it's slower and it's going to add to my daily travel expenses but I feel that it's a bit safer...at least for me.

That lapse of judgement that night will be of those things that will haunt me. I pray that it won't happen to any of my family and friends.


Precious cargo has been lost..but the adventure continues...
~ The Alansong ~

D'you remember...September?

It's been an eventful September so far. Aside from being the 15th month of being together with my girlfriend, it's also the month I gave her "her baby" Pancake! So more or less, it's like a birthday for Pancake since she turned 1 this year.

I'm also celebrating the start of my new work [training has ended] and my first pay as well [but it still seems like months away D:]. Work has been pretty much the same except for of course the lack of my old friends/officemates and of course, the difference in rules but it's pretty much awesome so far. My new co-workers are very much friendly and helpful. We had a small get together last month when our client from Korea came and that's where we mostly got along.

My younger sister went to Singapore [just last week] and from what I hear she's doing ok. I'm glad for her that she got the opportunity to work over there. I hope she does fine. I'm also glad that my cousin, an aunt and a close friend also lives/works there, she has a few people to go to just incase for emergencies.

Hobby-wise? Well, not that good since a new job means a new payroll which means [as aforementioned above] the pay will be coming late [due to the cut-off when I got in the company]. So I skipped a few good deals and missed out on an exclusive distribution but it's fine. Sooner or later, i'll have those things anyways LOL.

September...is also the month I list a Father for the second time. My stepdad died this month last year ad it still feels like we're still not over the fact that he's gone. He was a good man to my Mom and a great dad to my half-siblings so it was a really tremendous loss. We will miss him forever.

It's still the stat of September, there's still a few weeks to go...let's see what's in store and what adventure will come :D

advenuring through September!
- the alansong -