37

 I turned 37 this year and I still doesnt feel like I am. I still feela nd act like im 25..or 27..at least younger than I am. Im not really sure if its a good or bad thing.

A few nights after my birthday, I experienced what was a pretty strong anxiety attack. Prolly the strongest one ive had. I was having trouble sleeping because as usual my brain goes on and on with random thoughts and then it got to a point where I couldnt believe that its been 37 years. I thought that it was pretty unbelievable, like thinking that I was just 20 years old just some time ago. Thats when it went wrong. If the years go fast like that, I thought that ill be 40 in no time (in 3 years)...and if 20 years can go fast, ill be 60 wherein im not even sure if ill reach 60. I had doubts if ill even reach a day over 50. I had an extreme sense of FOMO when I thought that ill be dying. Ill be missing out on alot of stuff. New games, movies, anime, manga..alot of experiences. By then, my chest hurt and it began to be hard to breathe while my mind is still swirling with those thoughts. It felt like a nightmare I couldnt wake up from. Maybe it was sleep paralysis. I feel asleep somewhere along the way and such but I was awake...but thats basically what sleep paralysis is. I tried to slow down my breathing as best I could. Closed my eyes and tried to empty it and relax.

I havent had a night like that since but sleepless nights is still aplenty.

~

I dont know if I mentioned it before but ive mostly given up on certain things in life. Reaching 37 made it more clear. The pandemic hasnt been much of help too.

Damaged goods. Thats how I see myself. Like a broken clock thats only right twice a day.

The pandemic only made the loneliness worse. I doubt itll get better. It feels like its hopeless now. That I need to learn to be really alone until I die. Who'd want damaged goods right?

~

Things just hasnt been going well.

I admit that there has been small victories here and there but its been getting too far inbetween and it feels like its just going to go away.

~

37

growing old sucks. growing old by yourself sucks even more but thats just how it is.