The future or lack thereof.

When I was young, all I thought about for the future was that I wanted to be a soldier. At the time I always played with toy soldiers and GI Joes (well the few ones I had) so those prolly influenced me. It changed to being a police officer but that was even before highschool. Other than those, I never really thought about the future. I think the time I really started thinking about the future was when we moved to the province from the city. It was a pretty big move for the family because weve only moved once and we were still in the city near our grandparents (from my fathers side). Being in a new environment made me think of what to so and what'll happen next. There has been alot personal stuff that has been happening as well at the time and I also feel like this was also the time that I first felt depressed.

During the last few years of highschool, I wasnt sure of what course to take for college until I just settled on psychology because they didnt have alot of Math and because of my view of psychologists and therapists in movies and show. Helping people out to deal with their issues and problems felt like its for me since I was helping people out alot. I didnt even think about the future jobs I wanted as a kid. I didnt think I would make it and I just didnt feel like it.

During my college years, it ahs been apparent that I wont prolly wont be doing the work of those ive seen on the media. My country at the time didnt prioritize mental health and didnt have much jobs for my course when I graduate. Years later, in hindsight, I should have prolly went with another course most likely to have been a better fit for me (maybe?) which was MassCom.

The first few years of work that I did wasnt really fun or felt like it was for me (a little bit of secretarial work, photography, and then in the BPO industry). It felt more like, I need the work because I need to work now. I did manage to land a job that was a dream job I wanted butthe first one wasnt really that good. The job was being a Game Community Mod/ or a GM. Prolly anyone who has played online games dreamt of  being one. I kinda did and landing a dream job was supposed to be awesome but the first one wasnt. It kinda felt like a chore and tbh the account I was in had a game that wasnt that good and not that interesting to me. The management was also bad. At first I was happy because I had a close friend who was also working there (in fact, she told me about the job) but when she left, it all went downhill. I left just before the company closed down. I tried so hard to look for the same kind of work because it was fun and I wanted to find a workplace that was fun while working too. It didnt take long(ish) until I found a workplace where it felt like it wasnt work. I got really lucky. Also at the time I was with someone and tbh I was more into the work that the relationship (bad I know) that I sometimes forget to communicate and talk to my significant other. I was also lucky that she stayed with me despite of me being myself. It was also around that time that I actually thought of the future (with her). I mean if someone was willing to be with me through all of the tings then yknow, you get to start thinking and stuff. Needless to say, there were alot of plans and stuff that were thought out..maybe. I even went to baking class because I felt like I didnt want to be a burden and that i'd be able to help out more if I also knew how to bake. But alas it wasnt meant to be.

That and the death of my granmum really took a toll on me. Also my health wasnt that great at the time as well. All of the future plans were gone and I had no fall back at all. It took awhile before I got back on my feet being able to work again in a dream job I thought I could have which was working at/for a figure hobby shop. I also manage to get involved again with someone. With things seemingly going fine, I started thinking about the future again. I was at an age where I should be settling down and it felt like I wouldve but well..again, shit just happens yknow.

I got left behind again by the shop (it pulled out the bramch I was working in and wanted to just have the one a city away) and the girl (she cheated on me).

It seemed to me like everytime I thought about the future and tried planning for it, things seem to happen. So I stopped.

I just take it day to day now. I really dont see any future for me as ive experienced, things tend to change alot that it wont happen anyway.

Ive already worked my dream jobs (that also concerned my hobbies). I am still employed in a dream job as well (still hobbies) but with the current pandemic...well. 

I'll be 40 in a few years. I dont really know what future is there for me. Also, I dont feel like id be able to find someone to stay long enough.... rather ive given up hope on that end.

When I was asked by someone about how I see myself in 5..or 10 years...I replied with just, "ALIVE". ....and well hopefully happy too.