Musings.

"It's her loss, not yours."

Alot of friends and family has told me and will prolly keep on telling me this. But it doesn't feel that way. It feels the other way around. She meant everything...she was everything to me...I don't really know if she felt the same way. I wish I could say yes...but with how things are its likely a "no".

I mean who am I to be even considered someone's "loss"..? It's pretty obvious (at least to her) that I am no one important. I have no work at the moment as I have a heart condition. What have I got to be considered someone's loss? I am nothing I have nothing.

Really.

If it is her loss and not mine then why am I the one feeling  so empty? Why am I the one who can't sleep at night?


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I have no idea what to do next. I mentioned this a few posts back. But I think that it's more likely that I have no motivation to do something...anything at all.

It feels like I've wasted money by not being able to put to practical use the things I've learnt from baking class. I have not baked a thing since the accreditation test (fuck, I don't even know where that paper where it says I passed is). I haven't even contacted the school with regards to my "diploma" since I wasn't able to join the "graduation" due to health issues.

It feels like I can't even bake a simple thing like a bread roll despite having the tools to do so. Slowly and surely, I think all the baking knowledge I had learned will just go and escape me.

I just have the strength and will to do anything else. Of course I am not content with my situation, who doesn't? But I just feel like nothing. It takes a great deal to just get out of bed. If I didn't need to go eat or go to the bathroom then I could just stay in bed the whole day. It's not laziness. It's something else.


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I don't know how to feel anymore.

When I'm on Facebook and talk to my friends, I act okay. I share and post stupid things just to make sure that the act has a strong foundation. I figured i'd spare them all of how pathetic I am and how pathetic I feel right now.

On Tumblr...if they could ever go visit it, they'd think I was borderline suicidal. I might be. I dunno.

It has been a year and I am still in the same place I was....with the same confusion and depression. Last year was prolly the worst year of my life. This year started the same. So you have to forgive me if I don't see the positivity of it all.

Even my bestfriend, who is just living in the same subdivision as I am, doesn't know what to do with me.

It sucks. But that's how it is...and that's how I am right now. I know no one will and prolly can save me. I can't even save me from myself.