Only Lonely On The Inside.

For the past few months, I have been coming home to a big empty house.

And despite having 4 dogs (two outside, two inside) around it tends to get a little lonesome. The realization was made apparent while I was hanging out with my bestfriend a few days ago. We finally had some time to talk and catch up. Nothing really dramatic and serious but we inevitably talked about a bit of that stuff. And then it hit me that despite all the fun I had that time, I will still go home into an empty house and face the problem of loneliness.

There is a reason why it seems i'm always online on Facebook.  A few reasons in fact. It connects me to my Mum and siblings in the US. They usually message me around noon when they're about to sleep. I am also a bit far from good friends (mostly around Manila) so FB kind off still connects me to them. But I guess it's just partly because I don't want to be lonely. It's like the equivalent of having the radio on to make yourself not feel alone in the house. I can freely message people and they can freely message me and we could start conversations and stuff. That makes me feel a little less lonely.

My bestfriend has told me that she begins to worry when she doesn't see me online the whole day without a prior update. She immediately thinks that something has gone wrong which she says that it's been true a few couple of times. She told me that the last time I haven't been on much and something bad happened was when I was in the hospital a few  months back. I wonder if some of my friends feel/felt the same way?

Also, seeing my always online in Facebook doesn't mean that i'm always infront of the PC. I just tend to leave it on just incase people leave a message (mostly, it's not..im not surprised). I leave it on, check messages and updates and then do some chores in and around the house. The reason why I am still at home though is because of my "relapse". I am still currently in "rehab" mode. I don't think it would much of a good thing to work while there's still a blood clot hanging around my heart.

Anyway.

I try to go out and about at times. But it kind off makes me more lonely. Things are way more fun when you do stuff with other people.Contrary to what people think, I am much accustomed to being alone. I've been alone give or take the past few years. I'm used to being by myself and at times I am happy with that. But being alone all the time isn't really that good.

But what else can I do? Life always happens. It seems that I'm going to be a bit more time being alone and lonely for awhile. I'm just trying to make the best of it. It's not much but it's all I got left.