40

 i never thought that i'd reach this age but here i am. nothing much has changed tho, just my age. since me and my older brothers' bdays are just a day apart, we kinda usually just celebrated at the same time. so at least im assured of cake and spaghetti and some sort of celebration. adult birthdays isnt really that much fun and the gifts are non existent. i guess being able to celebrate is the gift.

when i was a kid, i thought that id be like my dad when i grew up. working, married with kids, living in a house of my own. little did i know how things'll actually turn out.

mostly its my fault though. i just ran out of drive and motivation to..well do almost anything. ive given no more thoughts to any kind of dreams and ambitions as from what ive experienced, things dont really work out as planned despite doing everything that you can to make it so. things change as ive been told. the only thing thats ever constant in this world is change is also something ive read about. its just that mostly for my part, things changed not for the better. im just tired. im tired of doing things that will just be another waste of time, another heartache, another disappointment, another reason for me to go into dark thoughts again. 

 i know understand when i was told that i wasnt in their future because i dont even see my own future infront of me. just living...well more of just existing day to day. i dont think things will change much now that ive reach 40.

40 years seemed to just pass by fast. i had a anxiety attack thinking about how things will be 40 years from now. will i even reach 80? if i do, what will be next other than death? whats next after that? it was one of the few times i thought about fearong of dying..on how ill miss alot of stuff..on how i wont be seeing whats next for most of the things that i love. i tried hard to dismiss those thoughts as it was taking its toll on me and it wasnt hood for my heart and its condition.

im not really sure and dont really know what comes next.

i just want to be happy.