Saturday, January 18, 2014

Remember to Forget

The last post was meant to be...a bit longer than what it was but it felt like that one line explained it all.

Trying to forget something is a bit of a pain in the ass. Because there are times that you want to forget stuff but can't and there are times that you want to forget stuff but won't.

To the curious...or to those who didn't get it or to those who haven't really read the blog recently. I have been trying to forget alot of things. Especially most of last year...and maybe the last two years before that as well.

They're not mostly bad memories/things but to be honest, the memories that hurt us the most are the good ones. They let us remember the happy days gone by and makes you doubt whether or not you'll feel the same way again. Ever.

So I try to forget. I try to bury those memories down. I try not to remember them. They're keeping me awake at night. They're filling me with these emotions I'm not supposed to feel and I don't want to feel. They're making me wonder and doubt. They're making me feel I wasn't good enough...that I will never be good enough..ever again to anyone else.
It's...a bit hard to forget when there are so many things to remember you by. And I can't just look away as these are also the things I really like. All the movies, cartoons, tv shows, food....

It's a wonder I'm still sane....or sober....well, sober-ish....or even alive.

I'm not a strong person. I easily fall under the weight of these feelings and emotions. There are bad days. There have been alot of bad days. The good ones are few and inbetween.

But like I always do, I suppress these feelings and memories and emotions. I bottle it up and bury it deep and try to function like a normal human being. After all, I have a very sick granma to attend to.

It works sometimes. And some people can be easily fooled by wearing a mask to keep up the charade of progress.But it's not fool proof. Then again not much people have noticed.

I guess for some people it's easy for them to forget. To just continue on with their lives as if nothing happened. that those memories didn't mean a thing and worthless. Lucky them.

But I'm not like other people.

 I am not heartless.

......forgetting is a son of a bitch.

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