Thursday, January 30, 2014


Last year my granma was diagnosed with liver cancer.

She did not want chemo or laser[?] surgery so we opted for the oral med intake of what was supposed to be a "miracle drug but still a case-to-case basis" program.

My granma was one of those cases where it didn't work.

She is a sweet old woman. Ever since we were kids she has been there taking care of me and my siblings. She spoiled us alot... but that's what granparents do. We have always been grateful and appreciative of her.

That didn't change even when we all grew up. While my other siblings were set and focused on their life/future. I was still kind of wandering about..figuring out stuff. My granma was there to guide and support me. She was there to back me on most if not all of my ideas no matter how crazy it seemed. Because all she wanted was to see me happy. And with someone like that supporting me, how could I not be happy?

She was also there when I was at my lowest. First when I got really sick and got diagnosed with cardio myopathy. She always pestered me to drink my maintenance meds and always "controlled" my eating. And then, much recently [before she got diagnosed with cancer], when I told her that my ex had left me. It kind of hit her hard too. I mean my granma liked her alot. She thought she was perfect. When I told her, she just told me this: "I know you. Learn to forgive and forget. Sometimes that's just the way things are in life. It may not mean anything right now but maybe in the future it'll all make sense. I don't want to see you sad. Just go out and be happy."

Now, I cannot comprehend how this sweet kind old woman in her twilight years could have cancer.

She can barely walk and talk. There are times she almost doesn't eat. Her body has deteriorated and she looks like a shell of her former self.

The worse thing is that feeling of being so helpless. That you really can't do anything more to really help her. There have been times where I prayed and begged to have her sickness transferred to me. I don't know if I could handle it but all I know and all I want is to not see my granma this way. But of course it doesn't happen.

It's hard for me to see my last pillar of strength in such a condition. I wish I could do more. I wish that I could just take away the pain...the cancer.

It's just not fair.

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