Failure.

I have been seeing how my beautiful granma deteriorates with each passing day and it pains me on how I can do nothing but watch.

It makes me feel like such a failure.

As I sit alone in my room..My mind goes blank and is suddenly filled with thoughts and feelings...I am reminded how much of a failure I have been.

I failed to get into schools that my parents and family wanted on two occasions. [Highschool and College]

I have failed to live to the expectations my parents have of me.

I have failed numerous people..friends, relatives ...be it broken promises or lies or just me being such an asshole.

I have failed to stick to the diet I was given to help me with my condition..

..and I have also failed to drink my maintenance meds..in fact there were months where I didn't drink any of them at all.

I have failed in finding any kind of regularity in terms of occupation.

I have failed in saving and maintaining the only good relationship I've had.

I am so close to failing and breaking my "I don't smoke anymore" promise.

Everything that has been happening has been out of my hands lately. It's so uncontrollable. The only thing I can do is just sit and watch. Grin and bear it.

Nothing makes sense.

Even dulling my senses with a drink doesn't help anymore. I guess I am also a failure at that as well.