Monday, June 30, 2014


I'm trying to do the best damage control to stop me from doing...things.

It wouldn't have been so messy, so complicated and an annoyance (which I think this is how you see it, just an annoyance...that i'm an annoyance)...if things have just been said and explained. That if the truth had just been opened up rather than just trying to keep pushing it away at arms length, things would've prolly been so different.

But that didn't happen.

I can get really emotional...and that is true. But if I have been not kept out of the dark, I might have not been so. I would not mind being chosen over something more important (to you or to your future), as long as i'm told the reasons for it. Being told that I have been chosen over for family matters...or even another person..would've been more acceptable.

One of the most persisting line of thought that always goes through my head is that I wasn't even worth an explanation, a real honest explanation of why and how things turned out the way they did. That in some cases, other people knew more than me.

I have never felt so...used and thrown away. I know i'm not that good a person...but i'm thinking I wasn't that bad enough a person to have something done like that to me. Am I really that bad a person to deserve such a thing done to him? I mean, in trying to take care not to hurt me, you have hurt me more than every way possible.

I acknowledge the fact that I have not been the best boyfriend. I have already mentioned that via the emails and messages. That I had lapses of judgement. That I had been an ass at times. But I tried, Lord knows, I tried to make things you deserved it. And when I saw you, I thought you were happy and content. Was I wrong?

By not telling me anything important, anything that I needed to hear. It made me feel so invaluable. That the past 3 years was just something easy to be discarded away ..something easy to forget...that those 3 years didn't matter at all...that I didn't matter at all.

I do not know...what else could I have done? If I  packed some stuff and went to where you were at the time, would I have been welcomed? Would you even try to see me at all? Would that have made any difference? I did not know, I do not know. You weren't telling me anything.

You were my everything. I didn't leave anything at all for myself. That's prolly one wrong move on my part, not leaving enough for me. But despite all of that, there is still one part of me wanting to be there for you. My friends have been telling me over and over that it was/is such a bad idea. That I am setting myself up for another round of pain and disappointment. I didn't listen of course.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I have no idea where I'm going. Just waking up and greeting the day is just so draining. When I do wake up, try to come up with how to be useful around the house and not trying be such a burden. I am so lost and in pain.

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