A few nights ago. I was talking with a friend of mine. I opened up to her as to how I'm not that much a nice person that she sees me to be. As well as how I'm not that as happy as I look.
It was apparent how she got a bit frustrated on my stubbornness on things. As well as my pessimistic outlook. I told her that I've accepted the fact that things wont work out well for me and that it probably never will.
Explaining to someone how you're happy but not "happy" happy is a bit hard. Kinda like saying you're okay but not okay. Like just somewhere in the middle. It's not really a definite answer but it sort of explains how things are. As vague as it is.
It's not that I don't feel happy when something good happens or I don't feel happy when I see my nephew or I don't feel happy when the shop has a good day. It's just that. It's not the kind of happy that sticks. It's weird, I know, but that's how it feels. I know it probably confused my friend on how and why I feel like this even though she sees me all smiles and laughs when she visits the shop. But I think she understood, though I think she'd prefer me to at least try a little. I think friends who knows what's going on with me would also like that too.
I think I've already mentioned in a previous post that "Just existing" would be okay for me. It's just how it is. Until the day comes when i'd really feel happy...or not.