Pressure

im at an age where most people have at least some semblance of stability. a job, maybe a house or at least a place to call home..maybe even a family or at least starting one. i look around and see people my age having those. even some people younger than me already have some of the things.

i see those people..some my friends..and im a bit jealous of course. altho, i do have a job and a place to call home so thats somewhat something stable. i cant shake the feeling that im being left behind.

its a kind of pressure you dont feel alot but when it hits..it feels like youre drowning in it.

am i living up to my potential? do i even have potential? am i just settling? is this all what its going to be?

holding pattern.

i picked myself up and put myself back together. it wasnt good as new but it was good enough.

unfortunately, on what i thought was supposed to be a good birth month, life threw me a curve ball. it hit me square in the center and shattered me and broke me in pieces. it took awhile to build myself back up from that and honestly, i wasnt the same despite how i looked on the outside.

things were going well, sure there were a few hiccups here and there, but its a process so it wasnt too much of surprise. but suddenly, as if right on cue, shit hit the fan.the owner of the hobby shop where i spent almost 4 years with,  decided to let go of the branch i work in.

to be honest, this has been a long time coming. what happened was nothing but simple mismanagement..as if its ever that simple.

again, i was hit right at the center and was shattered in a million pieces. right now, i just feel so discouraged and down.

a few of my friends see alot of things for me and its not that i dont see the opportunities, i see them as well, but im just too demotivated to do anything.

i loved being in the hobby business. i wish i could start my own but that needs money that i dont have. in order to get money, i need a job.

i dont know. maybe i need to be away for awhile.

the cycle repeats.

its been awhile and its been getting hard to transfer my thoughts into words because theres alot of them waiting and wanting to be written.

life hasnt been nice this time around since the last post i made less than a year ago. healthwise, im fine. ive been taking my meds and i guess my diet is okay despite my weight going up and down. hopefully it gets to stay down. as for my relationship, well its done. i found out she was cheating on me and that was pretty much that.

so it feels like im back to square one just like i was two years ago.

there are times when things get bad, i just go and sob and cry. i cant stop it. i try my hard not to feel like this when im in public but it does come and go and it doesnt really pick a time when it does.