Tuesday, September 10, 2013

For No One.

...but then again, if YOU are reading this. then this is for you.

It's..almost been a month.

I miss you. I know I shouldn't but I do. 

I've been trying. Lord knows i've been trying to keep it all together. But there have been more bad days than good...more bad thoughts than good.

But i've been trying. It's not good enough and I feel it won't ever be good enough. 

I should've asked you if that's what you really, REALLY want. But I wasn't pretty sure if i'll ever get a reply from you..EVER. So I did what I had to do. I didn't want to do it. But I did. Because you made me feel like you wanted it to happen, that you wanted to go. So I did, I let you go.

But it wasn't that easy in real life. Words..written or said, they're easy. But in real life..well, it has never been easy.

I couldn't believe how easy it was for you though. But I guess you had work and school and your new friends and I guess being in a foreign country can easily help you forget alot of things. I guess thats fine. Even till now, I just want you to be happy.

Let me bear all the pain and suffering of what was broken because even if I rant or complain or cry...I can handle it..I need to handle it.

I really don't know how're you're doing but I hope you are well. I dunno know who you are with but I hope he..or she..treats you well and that you are happy with each other. I hope you're not stressing yourself too much from work again ...or if you're traveling, I hope you're mindful enough to keep track of your things and always be aware of your surroundings. I know I shouldn't be saying these things anymore. Since well, it's obvious you don't need me anymore and.or you already have someone to help you with things. But I can;t help myself. You were the ONLY GOOD THING i've encountered the past few years.

With that being said, people..and a few of my friends who have abandoned me because of my situation and/or who just doesn't give a fuck, need to know that I was not in a good place prior to us. And I have been praying hard for someone to come along and save me. They don't know that you we're the only one who saw something in me that I couldn't see in myself. You gave me a second look, picked me up, dusted me off and made me yours. And that made me happy. And that saved me. And you've been with me though thick and thin. You've been with me when I hurt you. You've been with me when I loved you. When I was at my very worst...during the time I was confined in ICU. All I asked the nurses was to let you in and let you stay with me in my room [of course they never did so, stupid hospital rules]. When I was released from ICU and was placed in a room and you stayed with me for a night, all I could think about is how lucky I was. And then obviously, you've been with me during my best. So you see people, she has been with me all around and she accepted everything about me. That is why it's just so damned hard for me during this time. I lost someone more important than my life. So I hope you bear with me as I 'm having a hard time bearing with it myself.

And no, unless you wanted to, this isn't a bid for you to come back to me. What this is is just something I want to write down for you, regardless if you'll ever read any of it....or not. I don't care, it doesn't matter. I just wanted to write some of the thing's i've felt this time. I don't mind if it's confusing or doesn't have coherence. These are my thoughts and feelings conveyed..well, at least some of it. 

I'm still learning to accept the fact that you're gone from my life. That you've left with whatever reasons you have and with whatever things you have. I know i've got to learn to accept the goodbye you never gave me, as well as the closure from you I'll never hear. To let those unanswered questions be just buried and then..hopefully..forgotten by time. It's hard you know. You are such a beautiful person and have made my life meaningful when you were in it. I mean, how can I just forget that? I'm trying...really, really hard. But there are times when it's not enough and I break my promise of not caring and not to cry anymore..and I just breakdown and cry and sulk and cry and be sad. I am not a strong person. You were the one making me strong. I guess I also need to learn how to live alone again. I don't want to. But I have no choice.

I...know you have your own life now. I just hope that I meant something to you. Even a lil bit. That when remembering me [if you do even still remember me], a smile will form on your face. We had our problems and issues but the time with you was so far the best i've ever had. You still mean a lot to me. Yes, I still do love you. And I will never stop doing so until my heart stops beating. I;m hurting and sure my heart has been scarred ..but you will be my favourite scar. I am hoping that i've been significant in one way or another in your life.

I don't know what else to say. There're...still a few things I guess but as I continue to write this post, it's getting harder to breathe and think and function and it's making me feel again.

If you want to talk to me then that's okay. You know my email address and other websites. I'm open to any form of communication. If you don't, that's fine as well. It's just..I'm just saying IF..

I know what i'm doing is counter-productive to the whole process of moving forward. But you know me.

I hope you're doing fine. I hope you're taking care of yourself. I hope you're happy and feeling well.

As for me. I hope I can be happy too. For now, i'm trying and it's coming up 50/50.

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