the start of december.

so.

its already december. there are a few things happening this month. christmas is a given of course but theres also two weddings (my friends ' and my sisters) and the fact that years after going to the states, mom and the younger siblings are coming home for christmas AND new year. there also one more thing but i have doubts if its ever going to happen.

anyways. to a few things that already happened.

so a few months back, my friend announced he was getting married. he invited me and of course i told him i was going. it was actually the first time for me to go to a friends wedding. weeks after he announced (i...think?), he then told me that ill be one of his groomsmen. i was surprised because i didnt think id qualify.i was also nervous because it was first time to be a groomsman plus that i didnt own formal clothing (lol).

to be honest, i didnt know anyone in his wedding. sure there were a couple of old grade school people but i havent talked to anyone from my old school in years. especially the ones that were also invited. so i asked my bestfriend if she wanted to go with me ad i was surprised she said yes because well, i didnt think she'd wanted to go.

it was a pretty awesome wedding. my friend added a few video game and anime  songs in his wedding playlist that was played by this awesome string accompanied band. i also talked to my bestfriend about a few plans i was thinking up for my own wedding. though it doesnt really matter because i still have doubts id ever get married.

it was a good day but as soon i was about to sleep, i received a message from my bestfriend that said our good pal justin took his own life. i was extremely shocked. i went to his fb profile and saw a couple of posts about his death already. i was in denial. i kept asking myself if i was already asleep and was having a bad dream. i then broke down and cried and cried. i just couldnt believe that he just did what he did. he was already doing okay. hes gotten past a few of his problems and he has someone there to support and love him. it just didnt fit. he had two loving daughters and he always mentioned that he cant leave them alone. but, in the end, i guess he did.

i went to the first day of his wake. i was zoning out. i still cant believe he was lying in that casket infront of me. nobody saw this coming. he didnt show any signs. the only question i had was, why? sure, he wasnt a perfect person but he didnt have to go out the way he did. the whole ordeal was heavy on me. i didnt even go to the 2nd day and to his cremation. it was all just pretty unfair. then again, me of all people, should already know that life is really unfair. that it is cruel as it is beautiful. it made me ask the question again though, "why am i still here?".

will there be a day when ill also just snap like my friend and just end it? i must admit, the thought has crossed my mind alot of times.

~

im kind of hating myself right now because i was hoping for something to happen. i wasnt really promised anything. there wasnt really a confirmation that what was said was actually going to happen. but i still hoped. even when i felt like i didnt matter, i still hoped. im still hoping. im still waiting. it hurts.