And so, an update.

So..update I guess plus a couple of movie mini-reviews.

I got really sick a few weeks back thanks to a sore throat and getting drenched in the rain and had to walk thru a little bit of flood. Dealing with getting sick as an adult sucks but I got through it. It took awhile before the coughing stopped but now im a bit wary of the weather. Its been either too hot and too cold and wet. Thats a good recipe for getting sick. I guess Im not as immune as I was a few years back.

Ah, I guess I forgot to mention it last time. But an uncle of mine died a few months ago. He was my moms' older brother and they were close. He was a good man. He always had a welcoming smile during the last few times we saw him. He always made sure everyone had something to eat or drink or is comfortable. He died of a heart attack. He was still young and for me, he was healthy. So it was all a sudden surprise things happened the way they happened.

Now a few months after, A close family friend of my aunt died of a heart attack too. He was also a good man. He was their driver for a few years. He had pneumonia and had complications that led to a heart attack. So it kinda rung a few alarms with my aunt and her mom (my other granma) so they asked how my health was doing and if i had pneumonia shots before..or something to that effect.

To be honest...with the way things went/are prolly going. Im kinda surprised I havent had an attack...or a mild stroke even.

Anyway.

I managed to watch two great films almost a week apart. Star Trek Beyond and Suicide Squad.

For Star Trek Beyond, well first off. Ive been always more of a Star Wars fan. But Ive loved the Star Trek movies, both new and old. I liked a few original ST episodes and TNG, as well as DS9. Now, the first two new movies were pretty great. It introduced new people to a new Star Trek Universe. The new film continues where Into Darkness left off. But rather than pulse pounding ship to ship action. This one had more feelings. It introduced a way different villain than whatever the crew has encountered before. It did have a few awesome ship action. It did contain a few funny scenes to balance things. I was a bit distracted everytime Anton was in a scene. It was weird that in some scenes he was in. It was like he was always trying to woo the alien females haha...i dunno. Maybe it was just me. The whole plot wasnt really that much grandiose. It seemed like a usual story plot with a few twists.  But even with that, it was a fun sci-fi movie. Although it felt a bit lacking for me in the end. I mean it wouldve been nice to set-up the follow-up film haha.

For Suicide Squad. I have some knowledge of the team via a few comics ive read and episodes of JL Animated Series, as well as their animated movie. The reviews didnt really matter to me. I still wanted to watch the movie and see for myself what the hullabaloo was all about. It had a nice story. Though sometimes it felt like you were watching just scenes mashed in together. I had my doubts with Will Smith being casted as Deadshot. But he was pretty great. Cara was just sublime. I liked her more than Margot Robbie. I agree with a friend of mine that we needed more Captain Boomerang. Like more boomeranging with a diverse array of boomerangs like a sticky bomb boomerang. Like trick boomerangs of every sort. I dunno why they depicted him as someone off his rocker. He was a pretty laid back dude in the comics. They couldve just made him just a teeny bit crazy. They couldve explained how Katana got included in the team rather than just showing up. The Joker's presence also felt like that. Sure its not his movie, but they hyped him so much only to just turn out like a cameo. I think we need a full length movie where he's the main baddie to fully appreciate Jared Leto's Joker. I liked it. It was something old and new at the same time. Im kinda leaning into the theory that he is Jason Todd. I mean its a nice theory. But anyway yea, the film was pretty nice. It didnt feel like an R-13 movie though. I mean Rambo (the more recent one) had more blood and gore and curse words in it. If theyre going to do another one, I hope they just let it be and not do stuff that would ruin the film (like reshoots and changing things to please people).

Both are great movies to watch. Try catching them if you have the time.

A real update...I guess.

I guess its high time for an actual post of updates of the blogger, yours truly.

This blog has been more of an emotional outlet for the past few years. I tried to do a separate blog for those kinds of things/posts but I still remained here.

Anyways, things have been messy but okay (if there ever is such a thing). Im kinda thankful that I still have whatever semblance of good health thats left in me. I must admit that I had certain lapses, forgetting to drink my medicine at times. My forgetfulness is getting worse I guess. How? I forgot the keys in the car once and it was downright embarrassing.

I have been keeping busy. As busy as I can, helping out at my friends' hobby shop. It has been a great pleasure and stressful thing. I say stressful in a good way. I mean every kind of business has its own ups and downs. But its par of the course.

My younger sister has given birth to a cute bundle of joy named Ethan Archer. Its a unique name, I know. Just seeing him makes me smile and be happy. This is one nephew thats going to be spoiled rotten by his uncle. Well, hopefully soon. Once things get okay on the earning end.

I wont say it out loud but I'm a bit jealous of my friends that have girlfriends. It would be nice to feel that kind of love again. But I have already accepted the fact that i'll grow old alone. Well, not alone...maybe a few dogs. If it comes then it comes. If not, then thats just how it is.

For now, Im ok with "just existing" because thats what it feels. That Im just here. Nothing really special. Just here...around. Thats how it is.

I have alot of things in my mind. I have done alot of drafts. Erased sentences and paragraphs. But it still didnt feel right. I cannot properly convey the things in my head right now.

All that I know is that I feel so lost. That I feel so defeated. I feel that this is such a cruel punishment. To feel this almost everyday.

isnt it enough?

...

You are angry.

But you cannot be.

There are reasons why.

So you focus the anger on yourself.
It eats you up.
Its not a good feeling.
So you try to dispose of it.
You punch the wall with your bare fist.
It hurts.
The anger is still there.
You are still angry at yourself.
So you do it again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
You divert your anger to control the pain.
You repeat until pain now overwhelms you.

You lean on the wall you were punching.
You see that your right hand is red.
You slide down and take a seat.
You are now slumped on the cold hard floor.
Its not comfortable but you dont care.

A new emotion comes in.
But the anger isnt gone.
Its just driven deep inside of you.
You are now trying to stop yourself from crying.
You cannot stop it.
So you just let it be.
You feel hurt and pain.
But not from punching the wall.
This is more severe than physical pain.

This is where you question yourself.
This is where you doubt yourself.
This is where you just stop caring.
This is where you will entertain certain ideas.
This is where you will choose.

Is it?

I asked that question because it was something I really wanted to ask. It wasn't for attention or to fish for pity. But hey, you think what you want. Everyone's allowed to have their own opinion. I wont hold it against you.

Is it okay for me to be alive?

It feels that all that I've been doing lately is wrong. Making wrong choices and decisions. Saying the wrong things. There just some things that seem wrong. But hey, making the wrong choice and decisions will ultimately end up wrong isn't it?

Anhedonia has been slowly creeping in. Though some things are still okay. But there are times when stuff just feels like nothing.

I feel like I'm becoming just a burden to everyone. At some point in time, all the wrong things will catch up to me and I'm afraid that people I care about would get hurt by me or something else. ....unless it happened already.

Being on autopilot can only do so much. It feels like living a lie. So is it ok for me to be alive? I'm having a hard time seeing that it is.

...auto-pilot.

There's a room in my mind. A hidden place where I go and be by myself and quiet. I lock myself in there when I've had enough.

Then someone who's me knocks on the door. He asks me questions. Basically hes my autopilot.

"What do i do?"
"You're me. I am you."
"You answer when asked. You laugh appropriately when you find it funny. You share a little bit of our experience and knowledge when needed. You eat when you're hungry. You have fun when you need to have fun. Share stories and things when needed. When there's nothing then revert to me..sit still and be quiet."
"But...what about you?"
"I'll be alright here till the time comes"
"When will that be?"
"Who knows?"

..still here.

Well,

Its been awhile...but im still here.

Things have been going well. But not very much ..for the past few weeks. I wish I could type in a more happier post. But we dont always get what we want dont we?

My tito/uncle died a few days ago. Mum flew back from the US along with a couple of siblings to visit him but they didnt make it. Im pretty sad and hurt, Mum and her siblings are pretty close despite the fact that there's 11 of them. He was just here..and now he's gone :c


Prior to that, things have been spiraling downwards again. I lost count how many times the thought of killing myself passed thru my mind. I dont know whats going on anymore...whats happening or going to happen. I dont see anything for me anymore.

But well, i'm still here. I dont know why.