The Christmas post.

 Celebrating Christmas...the Christmas celebration, is waaaaaaay different when you're older.

You didn't have to worry about a thing when you were a kid during Christmas. You just had to wait until it was time to eat and open your gifts. Well, the only thing I was worried about was getting clothes and the like as presents. That changed because I'd be happy to get anything at all as a Christmas gift nowadays.

You never really see whats behind the scenes of all the Christmas prep being done as a kid but as you grow older, you get to see a little bit of that slowly but surely. Until you yourself is part of it for awhile....until you're just too tired to do anything so you just order food and stuff.

Christmas for me has become sad as it has just become any other day. Maybe its because  its just me and my older brother at home. Maybe its because "the spirit" isn't there anymore.

Altho I'm still lucky as I get to celebrate it still because im still here despite of everything. That a few of my friends still find time to greet and and even give me presents even if I can't give any presents back.

If the rest of the family was here or me and my bro went to visit relatives then I would prolly have my festive Christmas mood on. 

But as it is now, i'd just eat and greet a few people when the clock strikes twelve and move along.

I wish anyone who's sti8ll here reading this a very Merry Christmas to you and your family. Thank you for finding the time to read this. I wholly appreciate it.

Now what?

 I'm 37 and most people my age (or younger) are already married, maybe have their own house. They're prolly thinking of having kids or already have them. In short, they all have their futures planned.

I was somewhat the the same a few years back but I learned that not all things happen as planned and things can change in an instant. It hit me hard when I was told that I wasn't in their future despite they being in mine.

Funny thing.

It also didn't happen just that once tho.

I tried again but things turned out mostly the same.

Since I was thinking of the future with them, I made future plans that revolved with them. When I was left behind, those plans just vanished and I really couldn't do it on my own. I guess I prolly could but I was so distraught at both times that it didn't matter.

Now, I don't have any desire for the future. I don't have any plans at all. I've been unmotivated because anytime I try to think up of something, it ,just doesn't work out and I've been just so disillusioned of it all. I've been so tired and drained of everything.

I'll be fine just being able to have a job and to be able to have good health. If I'll be happy as well then that's a good bonus. I don't have the motivation to aim for anything else or something higher.

I've just been so jaded of it all. The current pandemic hasn't helped either.

That's why when I was asked "how do you see yourself 10.. 5 years from now?" a year ago, I just laughed and said, "alive".

The future or lack thereof.

When I was young, all I thought about for the future was that I wanted to be a soldier. At the time I always played with toy soldiers and GI Joes (well the few ones I had) so those prolly influenced me. It changed to being a police officer but that was even before highschool. Other than those, I never really thought about the future. I think the time I really started thinking about the future was when we moved to the province from the city. It was a pretty big move for the family because weve only moved once and we were still in the city near our grandparents (from my fathers side). Being in a new environment made me think of what to so and what'll happen next. There has been alot personal stuff that has been happening as well at the time and I also feel like this was also the time that I first felt depressed.

During the last few years of highschool, I wasnt sure of what course to take for college until I just settled on psychology because they didnt have alot of Math and because of my view of psychologists and therapists in movies and show. Helping people out to deal with their issues and problems felt like its for me since I was helping people out alot. I didnt even think about the future jobs I wanted as a kid. I didnt think I would make it and I just didnt feel like it.

During my college years, it ahs been apparent that I wont prolly wont be doing the work of those ive seen on the media. My country at the time didnt prioritize mental health and didnt have much jobs for my course when I graduate. Years later, in hindsight, I should have prolly went with another course most likely to have been a better fit for me (maybe?) which was MassCom.

The first few years of work that I did wasnt really fun or felt like it was for me (a little bit of secretarial work, photography, and then in the BPO industry). It felt more like, I need the work because I need to work now. I did manage to land a job that was a dream job I wanted butthe first one wasnt really that good. The job was being a Game Community Mod/ or a GM. Prolly anyone who has played online games dreamt of  being one. I kinda did and landing a dream job was supposed to be awesome but the first one wasnt. It kinda felt like a chore and tbh the account I was in had a game that wasnt that good and not that interesting to me. The management was also bad. At first I was happy because I had a close friend who was also working there (in fact, she told me about the job) but when she left, it all went downhill. I left just before the company closed down. I tried so hard to look for the same kind of work because it was fun and I wanted to find a workplace that was fun while working too. It didnt take long(ish) until I found a workplace where it felt like it wasnt work. I got really lucky. Also at the time I was with someone and tbh I was more into the work that the relationship (bad I know) that I sometimes forget to communicate and talk to my significant other. I was also lucky that she stayed with me despite of me being myself. It was also around that time that I actually thought of the future (with her). I mean if someone was willing to be with me through all of the tings then yknow, you get to start thinking and stuff. Needless to say, there were alot of plans and stuff that were thought out..maybe. I even went to baking class because I felt like I didnt want to be a burden and that i'd be able to help out more if I also knew how to bake. But alas it wasnt meant to be.

That and the death of my granmum really took a toll on me. Also my health wasnt that great at the time as well. All of the future plans were gone and I had no fall back at all. It took awhile before I got back on my feet being able to work again in a dream job I thought I could have which was working at/for a figure hobby shop. I also manage to get involved again with someone. With things seemingly going fine, I started thinking about the future again. I was at an age where I should be settling down and it felt like I wouldve but well..again, shit just happens yknow.

I got left behind again by the shop (it pulled out the bramch I was working in and wanted to just have the one a city away) and the girl (she cheated on me).

It seemed to me like everytime I thought about the future and tried planning for it, things seem to happen. So I stopped.

I just take it day to day now. I really dont see any future for me as ive experienced, things tend to change alot that it wont happen anyway.

Ive already worked my dream jobs (that also concerned my hobbies). I am still employed in a dream job as well (still hobbies) but with the current pandemic...well. 

I'll be 40 in a few years. I dont really know what future is there for me. Also, I dont feel like id be able to find someone to stay long enough.... rather ive given up hope on that end.

When I was asked by someone about how I see myself in 5..or 10 years...I replied with just, "ALIVE". ....and well hopefully happy too.

37

 I turned 37 this year and I still doesnt feel like I am. I still feela nd act like im 25..or 27..at least younger than I am. Im not really sure if its a good or bad thing.

A few nights after my birthday, I experienced what was a pretty strong anxiety attack. Prolly the strongest one ive had. I was having trouble sleeping because as usual my brain goes on and on with random thoughts and then it got to a point where I couldnt believe that its been 37 years. I thought that it was pretty unbelievable, like thinking that I was just 20 years old just some time ago. Thats when it went wrong. If the years go fast like that, I thought that ill be 40 in no time (in 3 years)...and if 20 years can go fast, ill be 60 wherein im not even sure if ill reach 60. I had doubts if ill even reach a day over 50. I had an extreme sense of FOMO when I thought that ill be dying. Ill be missing out on alot of stuff. New games, movies, anime, manga..alot of experiences. By then, my chest hurt and it began to be hard to breathe while my mind is still swirling with those thoughts. It felt like a nightmare I couldnt wake up from. Maybe it was sleep paralysis. I feel asleep somewhere along the way and such but I was awake...but thats basically what sleep paralysis is. I tried to slow down my breathing as best I could. Closed my eyes and tried to empty it and relax.

I havent had a night like that since but sleepless nights is still aplenty.

~

I dont know if I mentioned it before but ive mostly given up on certain things in life. Reaching 37 made it more clear. The pandemic hasnt been much of help too.

Damaged goods. Thats how I see myself. Like a broken clock thats only right twice a day.

The pandemic only made the loneliness worse. I doubt itll get better. It feels like its hopeless now. That I need to learn to be really alone until I die. Who'd want damaged goods right?

~

Things just hasnt been going well.

I admit that there has been small victories here and there but its been getting too far inbetween and it feels like its just going to go away.

~

37

growing old sucks. growing old by yourself sucks even more but thats just how it is.