Changes.

I think one of the more obvious changes I'd have recently is the fact that I'm trying to lose weight.

For the longest time my Mom, and my Cardio (as well as a few other relatives) has been telling me to lose weight. It's mostly because of my health issues. Losing weight can help me out a lot in improving my general condition but I really haven't taken it too seriously.

During the last few days of August, I started the whole shebang. I started talking morning walks which is a little difficult for someone like me who had on and off insomnia and a very late sleeper. I had to wake up really early to enjoy the last few hours before the sun showed its face. I also set a routine that as much as possible I walk for 40minutes...and if ever I can, stretch it to an hour. I haven't really done morning walks in a long time. I used to jog every morning prior to getting sick. Then when I got a bit better I tried jogging again which turned a bit disastrous so I reduced it to walking. That didn't last long though. Certain events made me just give up.

In addition to the morning walks, I have also decided to tone done my eating. If you've seen me eat, I eat a lot. I am a very avid eater. You would definitely enjoy my company when it's time to eat. Anyway, I toned down on my rice intake and unlike in the past where I only did it for a few days, I made it pretty sure that the routine stuck. It was hard though but after a few days, everything was fine. I even went two days without eating rice.

I was around 200lbs. when Mom and the siblings left for the US. I lost 15lbs. during those months of depression. And ever since I started walking and watching what I eat, I managed to lose 6lbs. in a week. I couldn't believe it myself but all the hard work paid off. I managed to lose weight and that alone is an achievement.

If you're prolly wondering why I just started taking the whole thing seriously...well, I was actually challenged to do so. The whole thing started because I was challenged to lose 20lbs. in 3 months or less. The payoff? Well the terms was that I was to be "given what I want" without even ever trying to establish what I wanted. Plus the mention of "a lot more motivation". Unfortunately, as what would normally happen to me, the whole thing was almost forgotten by the one who challenged me. So the whole might be just words and stuff but I don't mind. I really do need to lose weight so at least the whole thing started the whole thing. Well sure I was motivated by the fact that there would be something at the end of the rainbow if I do pull this off and lose 20lbs. (which is now down to 14lbs). I mean it would be nice if there was a payoff to all of this but I guess I just have to do the thing to find out.

Anyway, results have been good so far. 2 of my pants are loose and the tightest pair I have is also a bit loose. The brand new shorts that my brother bought me is much loose as well. I haven't had use for a belt for years and now it seems I am in need of one. My shirts have been loose as well. I think that as I continue to try and lose the target weight I will be needing a new wardrobe.

Despite the uncertainty of the challenge and it's "rewards and motivations". I will still go through with losing weight. For the past few months it felt like I haven't done anything at all to improve anything ever since "that" happened. So now, at least I have this.

In Addition:
I think that it's also an achievement to have done this on my own. I did not follow any dietary plan or enroll into any program. I am not starving myself and this isn't a crash diet. You just have to have willpower.

Six Months.

Time flies by so fast and it's already been half a year since you've left.

To be honest ...I've never really gotten used to it.

It's not hard to get emotional when I see pictures of you or even just being around the places you frequent in the house. But truth be told , I sometimes wish to see you roaming around the house like you usually do.

I've been so stuck since you've been gone. All the signs of weakness I tried not to show you has now overwhelmed and consumed me. I know for a fact that you wouldn't want me feeling this way. But I'm sorry...I failed. I just can't seem to just be my old self.

I can function as you can prolly see. I can still go on and continue with life. I can still smile and laugh and hopefully love. It's just that, I was hoping you'd still kinda be here for me as you always have. Whenever I'm feeling down, you'd make me something. You'd give me advice about life and everything even when I didn't need it. You were always there to support me even when no one else did.

It has been killing me that we didn't have enough time to talk during your last days. Then again, mostly it was because you were to weak to speak due to your condition. The last time we did talk though was when I was telling you about my graduation from baking class. You were awake and had your eyes on me. I gripped your hand tight as I was explaining and telling you everything. I was also holding back my tears avoid any cracking in my voice as I was talking. When I stopped, you had watery eyes and was mouthing something I couldn't decipher.

Then in a couple of days after that....you were gone.

I managed to go and finish baking classes but I couldn't manage to go to the graduation because I got sick from all the binge drinking and emotional distress. I haven't even baked something edible ever since.

If you have watched me for the past few months, I know you'd be disappointed in me. But I know that rather than give me a hard time about it, you'd just be there for me and give me a hug and tell me everything will be alright like you always did.

I could really use that hug and pep talk right now..because despite it all, I still have my doubts that everything will be alright.

I miss you Wiya. I'm trying but its been really, really hard. It's easy for me to just go and fake it when I go out and talk to people. But when I'm by myself, it all just gets me and I break down.

I miss you alot Wiya. I know that the reason you tried to hold on as long as you can was that you just wanted to see and leave us stable, secure and happy. My other siblings are doing well. I can't say that for myself.. I saw your letter. Well hidden among your old hospital bills and papers. It wasn't as much a letter of goodbye but a letter of instructions.  I'm sorry that I haven't done my part. I know a lot of people are very much disappointed in me. I hope I'm not a big disappointment to you as well.

"But Doctor... I am Pagliacci."

Ironic how a man who filled the world with laughter and smiles can be so full of sadness. So much so that he took his own life.

I was very very shocked to hear about Robin Williams' death in the wee hours of the morning. I was even more shocked to learn that he committed suicide and that he was really depressed.

I hope that he now finds the peace of mind he was looking for.

~

I am no stranger to depression. I was in a funk for almost a year and I'm gradually starting to climb out of the deep hole that my depressed self flung me into.

It is hell.

I have been told by a lot of friends and people that I should just shake it off, pay it no mind and just be happy. And I've told them a lot of times that it's just not that easy. They didn't believe me. They thought I was just throwing a pity party for myself. They never really understood why I was like that. To them I was such a happy go lucky person. I was the one making jokes during hangouts and everyone laughed at them.

But they had enough. So they left.

A few stayed behind. Trying to talk me out of stupid things I might do. They were there for me at my lowest and I got pretty low. So low that I bought myself some sleeping pills, gobbled them all up and washed it down with some Jack Daniels. I didn't really care what will happen to me. As long as the hurting and pain and the sadness went away then it's fine. I didn't care about anyone else, on who might be hurt or how they will deal with it. I know i'll be gone and it won't matter to me.

But it didn't happen. I woke up in the wee hours of early morning, dazed and confused. I felt lightheaded and sick. I then felt like vomiting really bad, good thing the bathroom was near. I was in there puking my guts out prolly for a good 15 minutes and then I proceeded to remove all traces of everything.

Was I glad that it didn't push through? I dunno. But that wasn't my first attempt.

~

Hopefully people would see depression in a different light and hopefully they would know how to act when they see their friends get depressed.

Let's Talk Movies: Guardians of the Galaxy

Wow.

Just Wow.

Marvel took a chance with his movie and they've hit a homerun with it. It was certainly a very obscure comic to comic readers, even more obscure to the non-readers. But Marvel just went and did the thing and now they'll be raking in the big bucks.

Here's to taking chances eh? Well, it would've went any other way really. But Marvel had done an awesome job with marketing the whole thing. And now everyone knows who the characters are. ...or at least the main ones.

Story:
~ Peter Quill (also known as the Legendary Outlaw, Star-Lord) has lived his life in space and has managed to acquire an ancient artifact. Unfortunately, everyone wants their hands on it (it feels so Indiana Jones-esque). This starts off the turn of events wherein he meets the members of GotG in different ways and through different means.As they try to outrun Ronan the Accuser, all seems to be lost when he manages to get his hands on the artifact and start total purging of the galaxy.

Review:
~ This movie is the 2nd to the last movie for Phase 2 of Marvel's Cinematic Universe. It sets up any possible "cosmic" storyline  for future movies (sorry but I do not consider any of the Thor movies "cosmic").

The story itself is...somewhat typical as anti-heroes try to save the day from the bad guy. But that's oversimplifying things as the movie gives more than just the story. The movie's characters individual stories are pretty much mentioned in some detail. These characters have already been prevalent in the comics but this is the first time seeing them in the cinematic universe. They didn't veer away from their comic counterparts which is always a good thing. It's also not also so much "out there" that it won't be understood by the regular movie-goer or the MCU's  (Marvel Cinematic Universe) fans. Which means you don't have to really need to read the comics to enjoy the movie. They pretty much made it so that everyone is seeing these characters and their stories and THE main story for the first time. And that's pretty much a big plus because people won't be so confused as to who's who t that they totally won't enjoy the film.

The movie has some pretty awesome visuals. From the landscape of Planet Morag to literally a floating head of a dead celestial named Knowhere, they really made it look like a real space adventure.

living inside a severed floating head of a huge dead organism? ONLY IN SPACE!

Along with the awesome visuals come also the awesome special effects. From CGI Aliens to the SFX done to the actors, it was pretty great. I mean sometimes it was all too much for the eyes as you try to keep track of things happening in the movie.

Star-Lord's ship, The Milano (did they name it after Alyssa Milano?).

You can't talk about a space movie without talking about spaceships! They were all very wonderful to look at. From Star-Lord's Milano to Ronan's menacing Dark Aster, seeing them on the big screen flying around was pretty intense.

The acting was a bit okay though. Chris Pratt was particularly awesome as well as Bradley Cooper. Vin Diesel as Groot...was...well fun and okay since he has  little vocabulary. I was a bit weirded out on how the chose to characterize Drax. I mean Batista was a fit for him but how they chose to portray him lacked something. He had his moments though, they just needed to him  be more of the destroyer persona. Zoe Saldana was also okay being Gamora. But she lacked the aura of being the most dangerous woman in the universe. Take for example Karen Gillan who played Nebula. She was a sweet looking girl who is known for being in Dr. Who. In the movie, she's totally Nebula...she's a bad-ass (she also shaved her head for the role rather than use a bald cap). Her face and facial expressions says it, her moves says it. Zoe's portrayal seems a bit lacking on that part. On capturing how bad-ass Gamora is. She did okay though, it's just that she could've done a bit more. Lee Pace as Ronan didn't seem like a fit  for me. He was an Elven King and then prior to that he was a pie maker. He hasn't really played a real villain yet. He also lacked the mass that Ronan has, as Ronan is a big bulky bruiser. It came as a big surprise how he (Lee Pace) absolutely played Ronan well. He was big, he was menacing, he was the uber villain of the movie. Michael Rooker was also aa surprise for me. Though they made some changes, he surely made Yondu his own character. He made it seem like Yondu was a space cowboy with his attire and accent. I was amazed how they got his "power" right somewhat.

ohai <3

 And what's more better than a great movie? Having a great soundtrack to go with it. Yes, "Awesome Mix Vol.1" is an actual album being sold in record stores. It's part of the GotG OST and it has all the nostalgia bomb songs in the movie. 

Overall, Guardians of the Galaxy just delivers. It is a great movie that's full of action and adventure. It has also a few bits of humor put in that made me laugh so hard. It also chock full of easter eggs that I kept nudging my brother everytime I see one (there is a lot, keep your eyes peeled). It's a must see movie for the comic fans, MCU fans and movie goers alike.

...oh! be ready for post credits scenes. Brownie points for everyone who knows.

Only Lonely On The Inside.

For the past few months, I have been coming home to a big empty house.

And despite having 4 dogs (two outside, two inside) around it tends to get a little lonesome. The realization was made apparent while I was hanging out with my bestfriend a few days ago. We finally had some time to talk and catch up. Nothing really dramatic and serious but we inevitably talked about a bit of that stuff. And then it hit me that despite all the fun I had that time, I will still go home into an empty house and face the problem of loneliness.

There is a reason why it seems i'm always online on Facebook.  A few reasons in fact. It connects me to my Mum and siblings in the US. They usually message me around noon when they're about to sleep. I am also a bit far from good friends (mostly around Manila) so FB kind off still connects me to them. But I guess it's just partly because I don't want to be lonely. It's like the equivalent of having the radio on to make yourself not feel alone in the house. I can freely message people and they can freely message me and we could start conversations and stuff. That makes me feel a little less lonely.

My bestfriend has told me that she begins to worry when she doesn't see me online the whole day without a prior update. She immediately thinks that something has gone wrong which she says that it's been true a few couple of times. She told me that the last time I haven't been on much and something bad happened was when I was in the hospital a few  months back. I wonder if some of my friends feel/felt the same way?

Also, seeing my always online in Facebook doesn't mean that i'm always infront of the PC. I just tend to leave it on just incase people leave a message (mostly, it's not..im not surprised). I leave it on, check messages and updates and then do some chores in and around the house. The reason why I am still at home though is because of my "relapse". I am still currently in "rehab" mode. I don't think it would much of a good thing to work while there's still a blood clot hanging around my heart.

Anyway.

I try to go out and about at times. But it kind off makes me more lonely. Things are way more fun when you do stuff with other people.Contrary to what people think, I am much accustomed to being alone. I've been alone give or take the past few years. I'm used to being by myself and at times I am happy with that. But being alone all the time isn't really that good.

But what else can I do? Life always happens. It seems that I'm going to be a bit more time being alone and lonely for awhile. I'm just trying to make the best of it. It's not much but it's all I got left.

How.

There are alot of things that is easier said than done.

Forgetting is one of them. Moreso if you are trying to forget someone on purpose. I mean it would prolly depend on which people you choose to forget.

Actually, it would be alot easier to forget someone if said person did something bad/wrong. Or if a person is just that forgettable because they're too plain or unexciting.

Bot how..how can you forget someone that made such an impact on your life?

I have mentioned before , that forgetting is such a bitch. Its too damn hard. Its not like its as easy as deleting their pictures on your phone or PC or profile. Trying to "purge" someone out of your system is more harder than trying to stop smoking..or taking drugs....or both.

To not care, hell, to not even give a damn about someone that meant to you so much and that has done so much in your life is not a very simple nor easy task. But it has to be done. No matter how hard it is or how painful, it has to be done.

Problem is that even if you did manage to forget someone, there are alot of things in the world that can make you remember them.

A song, a comic, a certain food, a certain smell, a restaurant, a movie, a certain colour, a cartoon character, an animal, an action figure, a hobby, a pastry, certain clothing, a certain date, a certain month, a certain event, a TV show, a cartoon, a cartoon character.

Lots and lots and lots of stuff.

I wish it was easy as storing things away. That all of the memories can be just boxed up and put away into the deepest and darkest part of your closet along with the other mementos.

Its not as if all of the memories were bad though.

The computer crashed. BSOD. I couldnt save anything. All the files have been destroyed. Gone.

Find a restore point prior to everything that happened. Clean slate. Start and write another story.

If it were just that easy.

Revelations v2

I didn't expect it. But out of the blue, she came out of the woodwork and started talking to me.

...and then she proceeded to tell me the things I needed to hear almost a year and two months ago.

But now knowing the truth...it all just makes me feel so worse.

It's...just so unfair. Everything feels so fucking unfair.

I don't regret the fact that I did let her go..in order to chase her dream in another country. I am proud to say that I was very supportive. But how the whole thing ended up, it seems just so one-sided. That she suddenly changed into something so drastic, that she decided that of all the other people that shouldn't be part of her future....I was it. That I was the expandable one. Im not conceited enough to think that I shouldn't be expendable but I just thought that with all the things we went through together, I thought I'd be the last one on that expendable list.

I have been at my best behavior. I have been good. And yet, somehow, life fucks me up. That when I thought I have found something beautiful and permanent, life just fucks me up and screws me over with this.

It makes me feel so worthless.

It's 4am (where she is) and she's prolly sound asleep. It's 2am where I am and I'm wide awake, tears in my eyes, cursing my fate.