Is it?

I asked that question because it was something I really wanted to ask. It wasn't for attention or to fish for pity. But hey, you think what you want. Everyone's allowed to have their own opinion. I wont hold it against you.

Is it okay for me to be alive?

It feels that all that I've been doing lately is wrong. Making wrong choices and decisions. Saying the wrong things. There just some things that seem wrong. But hey, making the wrong choice and decisions will ultimately end up wrong isn't it?

Anhedonia has been slowly creeping in. Though some things are still okay. But there are times when stuff just feels like nothing.

I feel like I'm becoming just a burden to everyone. At some point in time, all the wrong things will catch up to me and I'm afraid that people I care about would get hurt by me or something else. ....unless it happened already.

Being on autopilot can only do so much. It feels like living a lie. So is it ok for me to be alive? I'm having a hard time seeing that it is.

...auto-pilot.

There's a room in my mind. A hidden place where I go and be by myself and quiet. I lock myself in there when I've had enough.

Then someone who's me knocks on the door. He asks me questions. Basically hes my autopilot.

"What do i do?"
"You're me. I am you."
"You answer when asked. You laugh appropriately when you find it funny. You share a little bit of our experience and knowledge when needed. You eat when you're hungry. You have fun when you need to have fun. Share stories and things when needed. When there's nothing then revert to me..sit still and be quiet."
"But...what about you?"
"I'll be alright here till the time comes"
"When will that be?"
"Who knows?"

..still here.

Well,

Its been awhile...but im still here.

Things have been going well. But not very much ..for the past few weeks. I wish I could type in a more happier post. But we dont always get what we want dont we?

My tito/uncle died a few days ago. Mum flew back from the US along with a couple of siblings to visit him but they didnt make it. Im pretty sad and hurt, Mum and her siblings are pretty close despite the fact that there's 11 of them. He was just here..and now he's gone :c


Prior to that, things have been spiraling downwards again. I lost count how many times the thought of killing myself passed thru my mind. I dont know whats going on anymore...whats happening or going to happen. I dont see anything for me anymore.

But well, i'm still here. I dont know why.

Something obligatory.

Was actually thinking whether or not to write this down. That's why it took a few days. To be honest, I haven't been blogging/posting a lot. Its not because there's nothing to write about. It's mostly because I put it off a lot that I tend to just forget it.

As I try to remember 2015. All I could think of is that it wasn't such a bad year but it wasn't a purely good one either. It was just somewhere in the middle I guess.

Last year, I realized that I am not as strong as I was. I mean I was so stubborn in neglecting the things that would've made life easier and healthier for me. In the process, I got sicker than usual. I didn't have strength when I needed it.

I also realized that I was somewhat stuck again. Trying to figure out what to do in life. I didn't think much about what to do in the future. I've had ideas but I didn't know what to do with them. Around that time, I met new people and we all became really good close friends. One of them was trying to go follow his dream. To be honest his dream was also a dream of mine. Since I cannot go fulfill my own, then why not help a friend fulfill his and maybe in helping another we could both have our dreams come true. Seeing a close friend happy because his dream is being realized gave me me more than what I bargained for. It made me happy and have a sense of contentment. It made me feel like I have some kind of purpose again. It is nice to be needed and appreciated, even if you're just doing the little things. A reason why this part is a bit more detailed it's because that if it weren't for the shop then I don't know how my 2015 would've  been.

~

Despite some mishaps along the way, 2015 was pretty okay near the end.

I have a lot of people to thank because of that. They're the ones that made it great for me. I may not act like it but every single little thing you guys do for me means a lot and I appreciate it very much. I also apologize if I have ever been mean to any of you. I'm not perfect as you guys prolly know by now. Thank you for being there for me and not being tired of my shit. I hope all of you please stay bear with me in 2016. I wouldn't gotten here if it weren't for everyone's help.

~

Alright 2016. I'm ready.

Sleep.

He cannot sleep.

Tossing and turning on his bed.Trying to find the most comfortable way to nod off. But he couldnt. He gets up and goes to the kitchen. Its past midnight and its dark. He tries not to to switch on the lights as he thought seeing light might make him fall asleep. He gets him himself a cold glass of water and chugs it down. It cools him off as the nights have still been a bit hot even though it has been raining. He drinks a second glass to be sure and then goes back to his room and lies in his bed.

He still cannot sleep.

He tries to empty his thoughts and lie still. He closes his eyes. He slowly breathes in and out. The room is very silent but it didnt help much. He still couldnt sleep. He had no choice. He got up again and went to the bathroom. He looks for a certain bottle. He didnt want to but he wanted to get some rest. He found the bottle, took out a pill and put it in his mouth. He took another pill ...for good measure. He gulped it all down with a swig from the small bottle of whiskey that was on his PC table. Then he went back to bed and tried to sleep.

But even with all that, he still cannot sleep.

He cursed. He breaks down. He has not been feeling ..."well" the past few days and all he wanted was to get some rest. But he feels that he wont even get a simple thing such as a goodnights sleep. He ahs had enough. He gets up again, goes to the bathroom and proceeded to ingest alot of pills. He then nearly drank all of the whiskey to washed it all down. He went back to bed. He closed his eyes. He was getting drowsy. His eyes were heavy. He whispers the words, "At last.".

3 A.M.

He woke with a jolt. A pain in his stomach...or was it? He wasnt sure. He was having night sweats rather badly. His mouth was so dry. He badly needed to drink. But suddenly he had the urge to vomit so he ran to the bathroom. Barely making it to the toilet, he vomited. He puked out what he believes is every pill he ingested hours before. He kept vomiting till there was nothing else to vomit out. He felt drained. He felt tired. But even with all that, he still couldnt sleep.

6 A.M.

Just a few minutes till he's needed. He's had a rough night. He didn't have much sleep.

Adventure to Singapore!

Last Feb 28, I left the Philippines for the first time and went to Singapore. I went there along with y siblings for a small birthday trip. We stayed there till March 3. I know it wasnt enough days but it was enough for a start I guess.

It was also my first time to fly, which at first I thought was nerve-wracking but it really wasnt. I found it fun and awesome (because of the view) but boring if you didnt bring a book or games  or any of the sort.

I love Singapore. I love how their transportation scheme is so organized. I love their hawker markets. I love the food. The people were nice. I love how its not so cluttered and claustrophobic.

We only visited a few places , Universal Studios and Sentosa. We spent the whole day walking around, riding rides, watching shows, eating, sweating and taking pics. I absolutely loved how the staff was nice and helpful. Out of all the rides, I enjoyed the Transformers ride the most. It was pretty exhilarating and the use of a small space to flesh out a story is quite awesome. The Jurassic Park Water ride is the second. Right from the start there was signs everywhere that if you ride it, youll get wet. We bought some raincoat ponchos to stop it from happening. Unfortunately they didnt tell you that your shoes will get wet as well BUT after the ride there are two "Dry Pods" which blow hot air to dry people down (it isnt free though). I didnt try any rollercoaster rides (except the Dragon one from Far, Far Away) because of my fear of heights. I also didnt try the Mummy ride as it would prolly trigger me and my heat condition. I wish they had a Despicable Me ride ala Minion Run, that would've been cool. We also managed to watch the Waterworld show. Despite the actors being okay, it wasnt that good.

We didnt wander around Sentosa much. We just visited the Merlion and did the Sky Luge. The Sky Luge was fun...well the Luge part was. The part where you need to go to the top in order to Luge down was sucky for a guy who fears heights like me.

With all the activities and walking around, we kinda slept in a few more hours. Which made us kinda waste our one day of shopping. It was a bummer. My sister wasnt able to bring me to the place where they sell toys and figs. I didnt get to buy more fun awesome things for my friends. We didnt even try to venture out more. I guess thats prolly for next time.

Anyway, the reason we kinda lost a day of shopping is because we transferred to another hotel for our last day, Marina Bay Sands.

The MBS was fucking huuuuge and was pretty, pretty, pretty awesome to stay in even for a night. It has awesome places to go visit. One of the best things to happen on this trip happened around dinnertime at Makansutra. I met Lindsey Stirling! Yes, THAT Lindsey Stirling! We were trying to go buy some drinks when I saw here walking around taking vids. I couldnt let this chance pass so I gathered my strength and walked up to her and introduced myself. She was very nice and pretty in person. I managed my sisters friend to take a pic of me and Lindsey. I didnt have any paper on hand for an autograph though but still it was pretty amazing. I also had another sighting at Makansutra. It was my first love-heartbreak/an ex of mine. I knew she worked in SG but to see her at that time and moment it was like a WTF moment. I did not know if she noticed me as she and her friends were sitting one table away.

Anyway, we tried to do a lot of what we can in the last day of the trip. Go around MBS, swim in the Infinity Pool and go ride the Singapore Flyer, which is the most perfect place to propose..at least I that what I think.

I also managed to squeeze in time to meet-up with a dear friend who's working in SG. Me and the rest of the gang thought of giving her a few things so she wont be sad and down. Im happy that she was happy with the gifts and that we were able to hangout even if it was just for a little while.

Going back home is always the hard part. I tried not to get emotional as I said my farewell to my sister. There was still a lot of things to do, food to eat, places to go, things to buy but you almost always have never enough time.

Hopefully i'll be able to go back and stay for a bit longer. I would love to go back and do all the other things I couldnt the first time. It was my first time and it wont be the last.

Christmas.

Just a couple of weeks ago I was having conversations with my friends on how we didn't feel the same old spirit of Christmas like we did when we were young.

Of course as a child, I would anticipate the opening of gifts and of course the food. All the glorious food.

As I grew older...things changed. But no the Fire Nation wasnt the culprit. It was just that Christmas begins to look and feel different at different age groups. Moreso when you are already working. I myself have spent a few christmases at work (but it was fun).

As I grew older, Christmas wasnt that much of...well, Christmas anymore.

And yes, I know the true meaning of Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus and so on. But hey, we all have our own thought on it so yea.

Anyhoo...

A few days ago, with Christmas getting near...aaand still nothing. Although I spent a good time hanging out with friends so I cannot complain.

The thing I am scared and sad and worried and sad about is that well...actually there are a lot of things.

First off, it'll be the first Christmas without Wiya. Thats a big thing. Last Christmas, I slaved over the oven to bake a chicken for Wiya and was happy that she loved it. Now, I just see her in pictures and in my memories.

Then it'd be the loneliness...I'm not technically spending it alone as I have my older bro around but that doesnt mean that it cant get lonely.

/sigh

Yeah..yeah, bah humbug and all that.

But that mood kinda changed.....I am happy that a lot of my friends have gone out of their way to try and cheer me up. I received a few things I didnt/wasnt expecting. I was offered to have dinner to a few peoples' houses. They even offered to come and be with me on Christmas Eve.

On this Christmas Eve, I am happy. That Christmas feeling is back again even if it wasnt there just yesterday.

I have a good feeling things'll be better come next year.

Merry Christmas!

Happy Holidays!