I have alot of things in my mind. I have done alot of drafts. Erased sentences and paragraphs. But it still didnt feel right. I cannot properly convey the things in my head right now.

All that I know is that I feel so lost. That I feel so defeated. I feel that this is such a cruel punishment. To feel this almost everyday.

isnt it enough?

...

You are angry.

But you cannot be.

There are reasons why.

So you focus the anger on yourself.
It eats you up.
Its not a good feeling.
So you try to dispose of it.
You punch the wall with your bare fist.
It hurts.
The anger is still there.
You are still angry at yourself.
So you do it again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
You divert your anger to control the pain.
You repeat until pain now overwhelms you.

You lean on the wall you were punching.
You see that your right hand is red.
You slide down and take a seat.
You are now slumped on the cold hard floor.
Its not comfortable but you dont care.

A new emotion comes in.
But the anger isnt gone.
Its just driven deep inside of you.
You are now trying to stop yourself from crying.
You cannot stop it.
So you just let it be.
You feel hurt and pain.
But not from punching the wall.
This is more severe than physical pain.

This is where you question yourself.
This is where you doubt yourself.
This is where you just stop caring.
This is where you will entertain certain ideas.
This is where you will choose.

Is it?

I asked that question because it was something I really wanted to ask. It wasn't for attention or to fish for pity. But hey, you think what you want. Everyone's allowed to have their own opinion. I wont hold it against you.

Is it okay for me to be alive?

It feels that all that I've been doing lately is wrong. Making wrong choices and decisions. Saying the wrong things. There just some things that seem wrong. But hey, making the wrong choice and decisions will ultimately end up wrong isn't it?

Anhedonia has been slowly creeping in. Though some things are still okay. But there are times when stuff just feels like nothing.

I feel like I'm becoming just a burden to everyone. At some point in time, all the wrong things will catch up to me and I'm afraid that people I care about would get hurt by me or something else. ....unless it happened already.

Being on autopilot can only do so much. It feels like living a lie. So is it ok for me to be alive? I'm having a hard time seeing that it is.

...auto-pilot.

There's a room in my mind. A hidden place where I go and be by myself and quiet. I lock myself in there when I've had enough.

Then someone who's me knocks on the door. He asks me questions. Basically hes my autopilot.

"What do i do?"
"You're me. I am you."
"You answer when asked. You laugh appropriately when you find it funny. You share a little bit of our experience and knowledge when needed. You eat when you're hungry. You have fun when you need to have fun. Share stories and things when needed. When there's nothing then revert to me..sit still and be quiet."
"But...what about you?"
"I'll be alright here till the time comes"
"When will that be?"
"Who knows?"

..still here.

Well,

Its been awhile...but im still here.

Things have been going well. But not very much ..for the past few weeks. I wish I could type in a more happier post. But we dont always get what we want dont we?

My tito/uncle died a few days ago. Mum flew back from the US along with a couple of siblings to visit him but they didnt make it. Im pretty sad and hurt, Mum and her siblings are pretty close despite the fact that there's 11 of them. He was just here..and now he's gone :c


Prior to that, things have been spiraling downwards again. I lost count how many times the thought of killing myself passed thru my mind. I dont know whats going on anymore...whats happening or going to happen. I dont see anything for me anymore.

But well, i'm still here. I dont know why.

Something obligatory.

Was actually thinking whether or not to write this down. That's why it took a few days. To be honest, I haven't been blogging/posting a lot. Its not because there's nothing to write about. It's mostly because I put it off a lot that I tend to just forget it.

As I try to remember 2015. All I could think of is that it wasn't such a bad year but it wasn't a purely good one either. It was just somewhere in the middle I guess.

Last year, I realized that I am not as strong as I was. I mean I was so stubborn in neglecting the things that would've made life easier and healthier for me. In the process, I got sicker than usual. I didn't have strength when I needed it.

I also realized that I was somewhat stuck again. Trying to figure out what to do in life. I didn't think much about what to do in the future. I've had ideas but I didn't know what to do with them. Around that time, I met new people and we all became really good close friends. One of them was trying to go follow his dream. To be honest his dream was also a dream of mine. Since I cannot go fulfill my own, then why not help a friend fulfill his and maybe in helping another we could both have our dreams come true. Seeing a close friend happy because his dream is being realized gave me me more than what I bargained for. It made me happy and have a sense of contentment. It made me feel like I have some kind of purpose again. It is nice to be needed and appreciated, even if you're just doing the little things. A reason why this part is a bit more detailed it's because that if it weren't for the shop then I don't know how my 2015 would've  been.

~

Despite some mishaps along the way, 2015 was pretty okay near the end.

I have a lot of people to thank because of that. They're the ones that made it great for me. I may not act like it but every single little thing you guys do for me means a lot and I appreciate it very much. I also apologize if I have ever been mean to any of you. I'm not perfect as you guys prolly know by now. Thank you for being there for me and not being tired of my shit. I hope all of you please stay bear with me in 2016. I wouldn't gotten here if it weren't for everyone's help.

~

Alright 2016. I'm ready.

Sleep.

He cannot sleep.

Tossing and turning on his bed.Trying to find the most comfortable way to nod off. But he couldnt. He gets up and goes to the kitchen. Its past midnight and its dark. He tries not to to switch on the lights as he thought seeing light might make him fall asleep. He gets him himself a cold glass of water and chugs it down. It cools him off as the nights have still been a bit hot even though it has been raining. He drinks a second glass to be sure and then goes back to his room and lies in his bed.

He still cannot sleep.

He tries to empty his thoughts and lie still. He closes his eyes. He slowly breathes in and out. The room is very silent but it didnt help much. He still couldnt sleep. He had no choice. He got up again and went to the bathroom. He looks for a certain bottle. He didnt want to but he wanted to get some rest. He found the bottle, took out a pill and put it in his mouth. He took another pill ...for good measure. He gulped it all down with a swig from the small bottle of whiskey that was on his PC table. Then he went back to bed and tried to sleep.

But even with all that, he still cannot sleep.

He cursed. He breaks down. He has not been feeling ..."well" the past few days and all he wanted was to get some rest. But he feels that he wont even get a simple thing such as a goodnights sleep. He ahs had enough. He gets up again, goes to the bathroom and proceeded to ingest alot of pills. He then nearly drank all of the whiskey to washed it all down. He went back to bed. He closed his eyes. He was getting drowsy. His eyes were heavy. He whispers the words, "At last.".

3 A.M.

He woke with a jolt. A pain in his stomach...or was it? He wasnt sure. He was having night sweats rather badly. His mouth was so dry. He badly needed to drink. But suddenly he had the urge to vomit so he ran to the bathroom. Barely making it to the toilet, he vomited. He puked out what he believes is every pill he ingested hours before. He kept vomiting till there was nothing else to vomit out. He felt drained. He felt tired. But even with all that, he still couldnt sleep.

6 A.M.

Just a few minutes till he's needed. He's had a rough night. He didn't have much sleep.