The future or lack thereof.

When I was young, all I thought about for the future was that I wanted to be a soldier. At the time I always played with toy soldiers and GI Joes (well the few ones I had) so those prolly influenced me. It changed to being a police officer but that was even before highschool. Other than those, I never really thought about the future. I think the time I really started thinking about the future was when we moved to the province from the city. It was a pretty big move for the family because weve only moved once and we were still in the city near our grandparents (from my fathers side). Being in a new environment made me think of what to so and what'll happen next. There has been alot personal stuff that has been happening as well at the time and I also feel like this was also the time that I first felt depressed.

During the last few years of highschool, I wasnt sure of what course to take for college until I just settled on psychology because they didnt have alot of Math and because of my view of psychologists and therapists in movies and show. Helping people out to deal with their issues and problems felt like its for me since I was helping people out alot. I didnt even think about the future jobs I wanted as a kid. I didnt think I would make it and I just didnt feel like it.

During my college years, it ahs been apparent that I wont prolly wont be doing the work of those ive seen on the media. My country at the time didnt prioritize mental health and didnt have much jobs for my course when I graduate. Years later, in hindsight, I should have prolly went with another course most likely to have been a better fit for me (maybe?) which was MassCom.

The first few years of work that I did wasnt really fun or felt like it was for me (a little bit of secretarial work, photography, and then in the BPO industry). It felt more like, I need the work because I need to work now. I did manage to land a job that was a dream job I wanted butthe first one wasnt really that good. The job was being a Game Community Mod/ or a GM. Prolly anyone who has played online games dreamt of  being one. I kinda did and landing a dream job was supposed to be awesome but the first one wasnt. It kinda felt like a chore and tbh the account I was in had a game that wasnt that good and not that interesting to me. The management was also bad. At first I was happy because I had a close friend who was also working there (in fact, she told me about the job) but when she left, it all went downhill. I left just before the company closed down. I tried so hard to look for the same kind of work because it was fun and I wanted to find a workplace that was fun while working too. It didnt take long(ish) until I found a workplace where it felt like it wasnt work. I got really lucky. Also at the time I was with someone and tbh I was more into the work that the relationship (bad I know) that I sometimes forget to communicate and talk to my significant other. I was also lucky that she stayed with me despite of me being myself. It was also around that time that I actually thought of the future (with her). I mean if someone was willing to be with me through all of the tings then yknow, you get to start thinking and stuff. Needless to say, there were alot of plans and stuff that were thought out..maybe. I even went to baking class because I felt like I didnt want to be a burden and that i'd be able to help out more if I also knew how to bake. But alas it wasnt meant to be.

That and the death of my granmum really took a toll on me. Also my health wasnt that great at the time as well. All of the future plans were gone and I had no fall back at all. It took awhile before I got back on my feet being able to work again in a dream job I thought I could have which was working at/for a figure hobby shop. I also manage to get involved again with someone. With things seemingly going fine, I started thinking about the future again. I was at an age where I should be settling down and it felt like I wouldve but well..again, shit just happens yknow.

I got left behind again by the shop (it pulled out the bramch I was working in and wanted to just have the one a city away) and the girl (she cheated on me).

It seemed to me like everytime I thought about the future and tried planning for it, things seem to happen. So I stopped.

I just take it day to day now. I really dont see any future for me as ive experienced, things tend to change alot that it wont happen anyway.

Ive already worked my dream jobs (that also concerned my hobbies). I am still employed in a dream job as well (still hobbies) but with the current pandemic...well. 

I'll be 40 in a few years. I dont really know what future is there for me. Also, I dont feel like id be able to find someone to stay long enough.... rather ive given up hope on that end.

When I was asked by someone about how I see myself in 5..or 10 years...I replied with just, "ALIVE". ....and well hopefully happy too.

37

 I turned 37 this year and I still doesnt feel like I am. I still feela nd act like im 25..or 27..at least younger than I am. Im not really sure if its a good or bad thing.

A few nights after my birthday, I experienced what was a pretty strong anxiety attack. Prolly the strongest one ive had. I was having trouble sleeping because as usual my brain goes on and on with random thoughts and then it got to a point where I couldnt believe that its been 37 years. I thought that it was pretty unbelievable, like thinking that I was just 20 years old just some time ago. Thats when it went wrong. If the years go fast like that, I thought that ill be 40 in no time (in 3 years)...and if 20 years can go fast, ill be 60 wherein im not even sure if ill reach 60. I had doubts if ill even reach a day over 50. I had an extreme sense of FOMO when I thought that ill be dying. Ill be missing out on alot of stuff. New games, movies, anime, manga..alot of experiences. By then, my chest hurt and it began to be hard to breathe while my mind is still swirling with those thoughts. It felt like a nightmare I couldnt wake up from. Maybe it was sleep paralysis. I feel asleep somewhere along the way and such but I was awake...but thats basically what sleep paralysis is. I tried to slow down my breathing as best I could. Closed my eyes and tried to empty it and relax.

I havent had a night like that since but sleepless nights is still aplenty.

~

I dont know if I mentioned it before but ive mostly given up on certain things in life. Reaching 37 made it more clear. The pandemic hasnt been much of help too.

Damaged goods. Thats how I see myself. Like a broken clock thats only right twice a day.

The pandemic only made the loneliness worse. I doubt itll get better. It feels like its hopeless now. That I need to learn to be really alone until I die. Who'd want damaged goods right?

~

Things just hasnt been going well.

I admit that there has been small victories here and there but its been getting too far inbetween and it feels like its just going to go away.

~

37

growing old sucks. growing old by yourself sucks even more but thats just how it is.

ber ramblings

 So its October and things are more likely to get worse than better...unless we get a proper vaccine some day. Im not hoping itll be by the end of the year as it might not be possible unfortunately.

Ive been stuck ay home since March (16) when the government started the lockdowns. I did manage to go out less than five times, all with my older brother and we went out mostly for groceries and once for a haircut. Ive been at home for so long and it feels like its getting to me. I mean, I have already had these things, the anxiety pre-covid and its just getting worse.

Ive been thankful for a couple of friends who have been there for me and kept me sane/busy. Earlier this year, I was gifted a PS4 by one of those friends and til now I feel like I didnt deserve it but I was extremely grateful as it has also helped in distracting myself from things.

Im not sure when will this end but I hope itll be soon. I want to return to normal and get back to work plus itll be good for my sanity. Sure, im used to it as there have been times that ive just stayed home for a long duration of time but id rather not have it right now. I mean, in a few years, ill be 40 and I havent done anything at all. If I have been living on my own, I wouldve not have survived. Not the Covid and not life especially.

In all honesty, im tired and have given up. I dont have any specific goals and dreams anymore. Im fine with just surviving. As long as im not inconvenienced and things dont suck, ill be fine with it. I did used to have plans and stuff but yknow, not all of those cam into fruition and it seemed like bad luck. To be honest, I feel like its my fault how things got this way I guess? Maybe karma? 

Well, thats just how it is. It is what it is, nothing I can do about it.

A proper and longer update..I guess?

 Well, its been awhile. Even though it's been at least two years since I last posted, things has been more of the same to be honest.

Welcome back

I always had a lot of things in my mind that I wanted to post here but every time I do, it just doesnt come out the way I wanted it.  I cant properly convey it so most of the time, itll be just drafts. I actually made a page on facebook page too convey my thoughts and feelings as of late. I havent shared it on my profile tho or asked people to like it. Its just mainly a place to vent out anyways. Id be surprised if someone I know would find it.

Busy busy busy.

I managed to find work..or rather it found me. A week after "leaving" the old figure hobby shop, the manager of the place where we were taking space in contacted and asked if I could come in and help manage the place in his stead (he will be accepting a job his friend offered). To be honest, I was patiently waiting for him to contact me as we had talked about it in a way a few months prior. I was pretty happy and relieved when I got word. I mean, after a week, I was beginning to worry. After meeting up, we talked about alot of things shop related and unlike previously, I was given the proper title of store manager and it was surreal to me at first. I didnt expect that i'd become a manager of anything at all... ever. It was a bit daunting at first but it wasnt really different from the last job. I got the hang of things as days went by..well eventually. I mean, Im still a bit of a klutz sometimes but the owner and shop regulars were there to help out which was a blessing. There were slow days but there were days were the shop was packed with people that I had to take in multiple responsibilities all at once which was tiring but I always find it nice that the shop was full of people enjoying themselves.

Ive also met alot of new people mostly thru customer relations via board or card game. There was this kid (his name was RJ) that visited with his mom or dad or aunt  (along with his yaya and driver) to play Magic the Gathering or join in one of the regular D&D sessions that was there at the time. He was an only child and since his parents were busy (both were doctors) he cant really frequent the shop much by himself. I usually drop what Im doing to play with him when he visits but I "delegate" some of the regulars to play with him and hangout with him when its really busy..plus he gets more friends that way.

Its a mixture of good, bad, and dull days ...there are even times that all those happen in just a day!  But thats fine as its par for the course. Things have been going well until the pandemic happened.

Stranger Days

Before the first lockdown was implemented in the city where I lived, the shop had its first customer run MtG tournament and prolly its last tournament in awhile. I joined in but didnt break through the Top 10 (which was fine) but I got awesome consolation prizes. We (me and the owner) planed to follow the lockdown and wanted to open a bit early than the lockdown expiry but things just happened one thing after another and snowballed from there. We have been closed since that day (March 15) and it doesnt seem like we'll be able to open soon as gatherings has been banned which is sad because people coming and gathering to hangout and play is the lifeblood of the shop. Altho its perfectly understandable as its all part to flatten the curve and keep everyone safe and healthy.

I havent really gotten the chance to go out on my own but I couldnt if I want to as transportation has seemingly grinded to a halt where I live plus with all the passes and rules thats been mandated. Plus I am also immunocompromised as well. Ive gone out with my older brother twice though. Both for grocery shopping which I missed doing so much). I also got a haircut during once of those times. 

I dont mind staying home much as long as theres internet. I was also gifted a PS4 at the start of the year and it has certainly help with easing my morale and boredom. These times are certainly different because before, when I got bored, I was able to go out and hangout with my friends of just go somewhere. During these times, its pretty much hard to do so and that intensifies the feeling of lonesomeness a bit and Ive gotten pretty lonely at times but theres nothing I can do about it unfortunately. Im also afraid of going out because I am afraid that I might catch it and I have a feeling that if I did, it'll suck so bad.

There have been a few surprises here and there during the past few months but for me, it was receiving an email from someone unexpected. It was also a weird coincidence because she was in my dreams the night before and I havent seen her in my dreams in a long while too.  The email just mentioned that shes read it and I asked for clarification and it seems that shes read and has been reading everything since. That comes as a surprise as I thought that she just read them on a whim or she was bored (altho she did mention reading them because she couldnt sleep). I didnt really think that she'd be in contact with me ever again. Im still wondering whether or not what she read had any weight or was there need to talk about them but I also realized that it was all in the past and it wont change a thing. I dont really mind talking to her again. Rather it was nice being able to after all this time. Ive talked about this to my closest friends (all 3 of them lol) and its got them rather worried. I understand their concern and I told them it wasnt anything to worry about. Nothing has changed except that were exchanging replies once in awhile. Im fine with that. I dunno if shes going to keep reading, I dont mind if she does. Its boring content anyways lol

To be honest, I didnt think this whole was going to last this long. Im seriously disappointed as to how my government have and is currently handling this crisis. It has also been infuriating how they (gov't.) is keen to focus on other issues. Im sure im not alone on this and I do hope that the people remember these feelings when the voting season comes along. I know I will.

Lost and Found. 2018.

last year can be just be basically summed up by two words, lost and found.

there are some things i have lost but there are also some things i have found. altho if i would compare between losses and gains, the losses are a bit heavier and impactful.

losing people is not new to me but that doesnt mean that it doesnt hurt or doesnt have any effect on me. if they didnt mean anything to me then it prolly wouldnt but thats not the case. however, i cant stop them from leaving or maybe realizing that im not really worth it. no matter how you plead or beg for them to stay, people will leave if and when they want to.  ill just let them go and say,   thank you for coming by, i guess. i hope my presence in your life meant something and all i did for you wasnt in vain.

it wasnt a surprise to also lose one more thing significant last year. despite working hard and mostly pro-bono, it was inevitable. i did kinda see it happening sooner or later so it wasnt much of a shock. it still affected me in a way. but as with people, things just move on and i just have outlived my usefulness.

its just all the same feeling when people and work just dont need you anymore. how they tell it to you changes or i guess softens the blow abit so rather than just feeling like a discarded..."thing"..you would just feel like you were useful at some point and thats it, just a single-serving is enough.

things werent all that bad tho. somewhere along the road,  i found a new opportunity to prove myself and found new people as well. i am so much thankful for it. it just came at the right time because i was in danger of regressing and just give up on everything again. it was starting to feel like how things were a few years ago and it was just something i didnt want to go back to..but it was inevitable with the circumstances. i am thankful that it was all averted.i dont think ill be able to come out if things didnt go well.

so after all of that..im still here and i survived.

im not pretty sure how to feel about this new year. my happiness just comes in spurts. its day-to-day at best. its never that permanent. so "just being happy" wont just work when im not quite "actually" "happy ". i know that it'll be another year of being lost and being found, of losing and gaining. well, there still a long ways to go for this year. im ready to take it all.

EDIT:

im sorry i forgot to include this but im thankful to those who stayed with me thru the year to this one. knowing that im a stubborn, difficult, idiotic, gullible person and still wanted be around someone like that or associated with someone like that..that was just a few of the good things i had last year. thank you.

Pressure

im at an age where most people have at least some semblance of stability. a job, maybe a house or at least a place to call home..maybe even a family or at least starting one. i look around and see people my age having those. even some people younger than me already have some of the things.

i see those people..some my friends..and im a bit jealous of course. altho, i do have a job and a place to call home so thats somewhat something stable. i cant shake the feeling that im being left behind.

its a kind of pressure you dont feel alot but when it hits..it feels like youre drowning in it.

am i living up to my potential? do i even have potential? am i just settling? is this all what its going to be?

holding pattern.

i picked myself up and put myself back together. it wasnt good as new but it was good enough.

unfortunately, on what i thought was supposed to be a good birth month, life threw me a curve ball. it hit me square in the center and shattered me and broke me in pieces. it took awhile to build myself back up from that and honestly, i wasnt the same despite how i looked on the outside.

things were going well, sure there were a few hiccups here and there, but its a process so it wasnt too much of surprise. but suddenly, as if right on cue, shit hit the fan.the owner of the hobby shop where i spent almost 4 years with,  decided to let go of the branch i work in.

to be honest, this has been a long time coming. what happened was nothing but simple mismanagement..as if its ever that simple.

again, i was hit right at the center and was shattered in a million pieces. right now, i just feel so discouraged and down.

a few of my friends see alot of things for me and its not that i dont see the opportunities, i see them as well, but im just too demotivated to do anything.

i loved being in the hobby business. i wish i could start my own but that needs money that i dont have. in order to get money, i need a job.

i dont know. maybe i need to be away for awhile.