Christmas.

Just a couple of weeks ago I was having conversations with my friends on how we didn't feel the same old spirit of Christmas like we did when we were young.

Of course as a child, I would anticipate the opening of gifts and of course the food. All the glorious food.

As I grew older...things changed. But no the Fire Nation wasnt the culprit. It was just that Christmas begins to look and feel different at different age groups. Moreso when you are already working. I myself have spent a few christmases at work (but it was fun).

As I grew older, Christmas wasnt that much of...well, Christmas anymore.

And yes, I know the true meaning of Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus and so on. But hey, we all have our own thought on it so yea.

Anyhoo...

A few days ago, with Christmas getting near...aaand still nothing. Although I spent a good time hanging out with friends so I cannot complain.

The thing I am scared and sad and worried and sad about is that well...actually there are a lot of things.

First off, it'll be the first Christmas without Wiya. Thats a big thing. Last Christmas, I slaved over the oven to bake a chicken for Wiya and was happy that she loved it. Now, I just see her in pictures and in my memories.

Then it'd be the loneliness...I'm not technically spending it alone as I have my older bro around but that doesnt mean that it cant get lonely.

/sigh

Yeah..yeah, bah humbug and all that.

But that mood kinda changed.....I am happy that a lot of my friends have gone out of their way to try and cheer me up. I received a few things I didnt/wasnt expecting. I was offered to have dinner to a few peoples' houses. They even offered to come and be with me on Christmas Eve.

On this Christmas Eve, I am happy. That Christmas feeling is back again even if it wasnt there just yesterday.

I have a good feeling things'll be better come next year.

Merry Christmas!

Happy Holidays!

Reunion

It was prolly the happiest I've been in a very long time.

..not discounting the fun times I've had with my friends of course. I've always had a lot of happy times with them. But ..it's a bit different with Family.

One reason why is because my family hasn't had a gathering like this in a very long time as well. Mom and her 10 siblings were all complete once again (plus a few of their spouses and some cousins) in one roof and it was pretty awesome.

All in all, we numbered around 30 people. We went from Guagua (ancestral home) to Baguio and then to Vigan. It was pretty much a very awesome trip.

Being able to reconnect with my aunt's, uncle's and cousins was cool. I did get asked a few questions I knew most of them will ask. I gave them a general answer and I get the usual response, most of which I heard  before. But it still felt reassuring as it now comes from family.

I was also given tons of advice..on everything. I just wish I had the confidence and strength my relatives have. Most of them have their own story to tell and share  with regards to their own experiences and hardships and that all of them had a lesson or two to impart with me. Be it either  in life, love or health.

Speaking of health....the diet sort of ..kinda went out the window once the relatives started arriving. All of them had chocolates to give and till now we have a fridge full of chocolates. Add to that the many times we went out and had a big meal in malls. Then there was that big food fest for the cousins in Guagua and then the whirlwind food encounters in Baguio and Vigan.

Sure there was a ton of food (mostly while in Vigan), I did try my best to avoid anything that could set back my health. Key word: Try LOL. Funny thing was, my Mom was on my case with eating fatty food but then again she didn't follow her own advice and she spent a few hours lying on the bed with prolly high BP, trying to sleep it off. Me? I know what my body can and cannot take. I had no High BP issues whatsoever despite my intake. So there :p

Anyway...

It's been almost two weeks since the trip and it has been more than a week since they all flew back to the US of A (and my sister back to SG). Life now has started to slow down to a crawl again and the house is as silent as it is almost empty. It's sad and depressing really but that's expected I guess. It would be nice it this was a yearly thing but well..financially it would be hard. Then again, hopefully it will again sooner rather than later.

For the curious, here is my lovable family:

in Guagua..

in Baguio...

in Vigan...

Knowing. Not knowing.

Being told how to live your life isn't really how some should live. But it is applicable for someone who has lost their way which is more or less a perfect description of how I am right now.

I know that I am not on the best path right now. Heck, I don't even know if I'm on a path. I don't even know what path to go on or if there's even a clear path for me to walk on to. People have always said to just go and forge your own way. Now, I know that I'm not doing anything to get on any kind of path but I know that every little step you do, no matter how insignificant, is still a step into the path you're going on. So maybe I am going on my way but it's just taking a lot of time.

I know I'm not a good guy. I know I can be pretty much of a douche, an asshole, an ingrate, a whiny bitch, a user, an abuser, a liar, a cheat, a hypocrite, a lazy-ass, insecure, paranoid, judgmental, and maybe some more. I acknowledge those facts about my self and I am not denying the fact that I've done a whole lot of wrong in my life and I still prolly will. At least that's the most honest thing I can say about me right now.

There are some things that you just cannot control, things that you don't get a say in, things that you can't get your hands on, and things that just go and pass you by. I've learned about these in the best AND worst ways ever possible. There are lessons to be learned and there are morals to the stories. The question is, did I learn anything? Maybe...maybe not. All I have is the knowledge. All I have are the emotions. The lessons will come in time.

So, in short, I am broken as broken would be. I would be lying if I said that everything was okay. It actually is and isn't all at the same time. It's not ideal, it's not perfect, but it is what it is. I can only blame myself, for all things I've done and for all the things I didn't do.

..then again, I'm a liar so why believe everything and anything you read here ...right?

Writing Block.

I wanted to write something.

It has been a long time since I did.

I even was in some sort of mood to write.

I wanted to assault that blank page of Word with words and make a story.

Unfortunately, I couldn't seem to write anything of significance. I tried doing something new. I tried writing a new story but nothing really came into place. It started out okay, I had the story in my head but I couldn't put it into clear words. I can't properly relay the story in my head through my hands for them to be able to type it into words. So I just stopped trying and saved the thing and hopefully I can continue it someday.

I then tried to write the continuation of my zombie story (new version is here while the original post is here). Again like the story mentioned above, I already have ideas in my head on how to continue what I wrote previously. But again I couldn't properly type it up. Rather than pushing it, I stopped.

The whole thing is so frustrating. I wanted to really go and write something but it was so hard to do so. Weirdly enough, here I am easily writing a post about my hard time writing stories. How weird and strange is that?

I'm not really a writer. I have not studied to be one nor trained. I just like writing my own stuff which started at around late 90's. Prior to writing stories, I used to write poetry. A LOT of poetry. Mostly about, you guessed it, love and loss. Come to think of it, i've never written any poetry as of late. It's been awhile. The last time was way back in college and it was for a girl.

Anyway.

I wish I could get back to writing my stories. To be honest, it's the only thing I can do where I think I can excel. Hopefully I get bitten by the bug again and just let the words flow and come up with something nice. It would be a nice distraction and a break from all the stuff happening around me.

Changes.

I think one of the more obvious changes I'd have recently is the fact that I'm trying to lose weight.

For the longest time my Mom, and my Cardio (as well as a few other relatives) has been telling me to lose weight. It's mostly because of my health issues. Losing weight can help me out a lot in improving my general condition but I really haven't taken it too seriously.

During the last few days of August, I started the whole shebang. I started talking morning walks which is a little difficult for someone like me who had on and off insomnia and a very late sleeper. I had to wake up really early to enjoy the last few hours before the sun showed its face. I also set a routine that as much as possible I walk for 40minutes...and if ever I can, stretch it to an hour. I haven't really done morning walks in a long time. I used to jog every morning prior to getting sick. Then when I got a bit better I tried jogging again which turned a bit disastrous so I reduced it to walking. That didn't last long though. Certain events made me just give up.

In addition to the morning walks, I have also decided to tone done my eating. If you've seen me eat, I eat a lot. I am a very avid eater. You would definitely enjoy my company when it's time to eat. Anyway, I toned down on my rice intake and unlike in the past where I only did it for a few days, I made it pretty sure that the routine stuck. It was hard though but after a few days, everything was fine. I even went two days without eating rice.

I was around 200lbs. when Mom and the siblings left for the US. I lost 15lbs. during those months of depression. And ever since I started walking and watching what I eat, I managed to lose 6lbs. in a week. I couldn't believe it myself but all the hard work paid off. I managed to lose weight and that alone is an achievement.

If you're prolly wondering why I just started taking the whole thing seriously...well, I was actually challenged to do so. The whole thing started because I was challenged to lose 20lbs. in 3 months or less. The payoff? Well the terms was that I was to be "given what I want" without even ever trying to establish what I wanted. Plus the mention of "a lot more motivation". Unfortunately, as what would normally happen to me, the whole thing was almost forgotten by the one who challenged me. So the whole might be just words and stuff but I don't mind. I really do need to lose weight so at least the whole thing started the whole thing. Well sure I was motivated by the fact that there would be something at the end of the rainbow if I do pull this off and lose 20lbs. (which is now down to 14lbs). I mean it would be nice if there was a payoff to all of this but I guess I just have to do the thing to find out.

Anyway, results have been good so far. 2 of my pants are loose and the tightest pair I have is also a bit loose. The brand new shorts that my brother bought me is much loose as well. I haven't had use for a belt for years and now it seems I am in need of one. My shirts have been loose as well. I think that as I continue to try and lose the target weight I will be needing a new wardrobe.

Despite the uncertainty of the challenge and it's "rewards and motivations". I will still go through with losing weight. For the past few months it felt like I haven't done anything at all to improve anything ever since "that" happened. So now, at least I have this.

In Addition:
I think that it's also an achievement to have done this on my own. I did not follow any dietary plan or enroll into any program. I am not starving myself and this isn't a crash diet. You just have to have willpower.

Six Months.

Time flies by so fast and it's already been half a year since you've left.

To be honest ...I've never really gotten used to it.

It's not hard to get emotional when I see pictures of you or even just being around the places you frequent in the house. But truth be told , I sometimes wish to see you roaming around the house like you usually do.

I've been so stuck since you've been gone. All the signs of weakness I tried not to show you has now overwhelmed and consumed me. I know for a fact that you wouldn't want me feeling this way. But I'm sorry...I failed. I just can't seem to just be my old self.

I can function as you can prolly see. I can still go on and continue with life. I can still smile and laugh and hopefully love. It's just that, I was hoping you'd still kinda be here for me as you always have. Whenever I'm feeling down, you'd make me something. You'd give me advice about life and everything even when I didn't need it. You were always there to support me even when no one else did.

It has been killing me that we didn't have enough time to talk during your last days. Then again, mostly it was because you were to weak to speak due to your condition. The last time we did talk though was when I was telling you about my graduation from baking class. You were awake and had your eyes on me. I gripped your hand tight as I was explaining and telling you everything. I was also holding back my tears avoid any cracking in my voice as I was talking. When I stopped, you had watery eyes and was mouthing something I couldn't decipher.

Then in a couple of days after that....you were gone.

I managed to go and finish baking classes but I couldn't manage to go to the graduation because I got sick from all the binge drinking and emotional distress. I haven't even baked something edible ever since.

If you have watched me for the past few months, I know you'd be disappointed in me. But I know that rather than give me a hard time about it, you'd just be there for me and give me a hug and tell me everything will be alright like you always did.

I could really use that hug and pep talk right now..because despite it all, I still have my doubts that everything will be alright.

I miss you Wiya. I'm trying but its been really, really hard. It's easy for me to just go and fake it when I go out and talk to people. But when I'm by myself, it all just gets me and I break down.

I miss you alot Wiya. I know that the reason you tried to hold on as long as you can was that you just wanted to see and leave us stable, secure and happy. My other siblings are doing well. I can't say that for myself.. I saw your letter. Well hidden among your old hospital bills and papers. It wasn't as much a letter of goodbye but a letter of instructions.  I'm sorry that I haven't done my part. I know a lot of people are very much disappointed in me. I hope I'm not a big disappointment to you as well.

"But Doctor... I am Pagliacci."

Ironic how a man who filled the world with laughter and smiles can be so full of sadness. So much so that he took his own life.

I was very very shocked to hear about Robin Williams' death in the wee hours of the morning. I was even more shocked to learn that he committed suicide and that he was really depressed.

I hope that he now finds the peace of mind he was looking for.

~

I am no stranger to depression. I was in a funk for almost a year and I'm gradually starting to climb out of the deep hole that my depressed self flung me into.

It is hell.

I have been told by a lot of friends and people that I should just shake it off, pay it no mind and just be happy. And I've told them a lot of times that it's just not that easy. They didn't believe me. They thought I was just throwing a pity party for myself. They never really understood why I was like that. To them I was such a happy go lucky person. I was the one making jokes during hangouts and everyone laughed at them.

But they had enough. So they left.

A few stayed behind. Trying to talk me out of stupid things I might do. They were there for me at my lowest and I got pretty low. So low that I bought myself some sleeping pills, gobbled them all up and washed it down with some Jack Daniels. I didn't really care what will happen to me. As long as the hurting and pain and the sadness went away then it's fine. I didn't care about anyone else, on who might be hurt or how they will deal with it. I know i'll be gone and it won't matter to me.

But it didn't happen. I woke up in the wee hours of early morning, dazed and confused. I felt lightheaded and sick. I then felt like vomiting really bad, good thing the bathroom was near. I was in there puking my guts out prolly for a good 15 minutes and then I proceeded to remove all traces of everything.

Was I glad that it didn't push through? I dunno. But that wasn't my first attempt.

~

Hopefully people would see depression in a different light and hopefully they would know how to act when they see their friends get depressed.