Sleep.

He cannot sleep.

Tossing and turning on his bed.Trying to find the most comfortable way to nod off. But he couldnt. He gets up and goes to the kitchen. Its past midnight and its dark. He tries not to to switch on the lights as he thought seeing light might make him fall asleep. He gets him himself a cold glass of water and chugs it down. It cools him off as the nights have still been a bit hot even though it has been raining. He drinks a second glass to be sure and then goes back to his room and lies in his bed.

He still cannot sleep.

He tries to empty his thoughts and lie still. He closes his eyes. He slowly breathes in and out. The room is very silent but it didnt help much. He still couldnt sleep. He had no choice. He got up again and went to the bathroom. He looks for a certain bottle. He didnt want to but he wanted to get some rest. He found the bottle, took out a pill and put it in his mouth. He took another pill ...for good measure. He gulped it all down with a swig from the small bottle of whiskey that was on his PC table. Then he went back to bed and tried to sleep.

But even with all that, he still cannot sleep.

He cursed. He breaks down. He has not been feeling ..."well" the past few days and all he wanted was to get some rest. But he feels that he wont even get a simple thing such as a goodnights sleep. He ahs had enough. He gets up again, goes to the bathroom and proceeded to ingest alot of pills. He then nearly drank all of the whiskey to washed it all down. He went back to bed. He closed his eyes. He was getting drowsy. His eyes were heavy. He whispers the words, "At last.".

3 A.M.

He woke with a jolt. A pain in his stomach...or was it? He wasnt sure. He was having night sweats rather badly. His mouth was so dry. He badly needed to drink. But suddenly he had the urge to vomit so he ran to the bathroom. Barely making it to the toilet, he vomited. He puked out what he believes is every pill he ingested hours before. He kept vomiting till there was nothing else to vomit out. He felt drained. He felt tired. But even with all that, he still couldnt sleep.

6 A.M.

Just a few minutes till he's needed. He's had a rough night. He didn't have much sleep.

Adventure to Singapore!

Last Feb 28, I left the Philippines for the first time and went to Singapore. I went there along with y siblings for a small birthday trip. We stayed there till March 3. I know it wasnt enough days but it was enough for a start I guess.

It was also my first time to fly, which at first I thought was nerve-wracking but it really wasnt. I found it fun and awesome (because of the view) but boring if you didnt bring a book or games  or any of the sort.

I love Singapore. I love how their transportation scheme is so organized. I love their hawker markets. I love the food. The people were nice. I love how its not so cluttered and claustrophobic.

We only visited a few places , Universal Studios and Sentosa. We spent the whole day walking around, riding rides, watching shows, eating, sweating and taking pics. I absolutely loved how the staff was nice and helpful. Out of all the rides, I enjoyed the Transformers ride the most. It was pretty exhilarating and the use of a small space to flesh out a story is quite awesome. The Jurassic Park Water ride is the second. Right from the start there was signs everywhere that if you ride it, youll get wet. We bought some raincoat ponchos to stop it from happening. Unfortunately they didnt tell you that your shoes will get wet as well BUT after the ride there are two "Dry Pods" which blow hot air to dry people down (it isnt free though). I didnt try any rollercoaster rides (except the Dragon one from Far, Far Away) because of my fear of heights. I also didnt try the Mummy ride as it would prolly trigger me and my heat condition. I wish they had a Despicable Me ride ala Minion Run, that would've been cool. We also managed to watch the Waterworld show. Despite the actors being okay, it wasnt that good.

We didnt wander around Sentosa much. We just visited the Merlion and did the Sky Luge. The Sky Luge was fun...well the Luge part was. The part where you need to go to the top in order to Luge down was sucky for a guy who fears heights like me.

With all the activities and walking around, we kinda slept in a few more hours. Which made us kinda waste our one day of shopping. It was a bummer. My sister wasnt able to bring me to the place where they sell toys and figs. I didnt get to buy more fun awesome things for my friends. We didnt even try to venture out more. I guess thats prolly for next time.

Anyway, the reason we kinda lost a day of shopping is because we transferred to another hotel for our last day, Marina Bay Sands.

The MBS was fucking huuuuge and was pretty, pretty, pretty awesome to stay in even for a night. It has awesome places to go visit. One of the best things to happen on this trip happened around dinnertime at Makansutra. I met Lindsey Stirling! Yes, THAT Lindsey Stirling! We were trying to go buy some drinks when I saw here walking around taking vids. I couldnt let this chance pass so I gathered my strength and walked up to her and introduced myself. She was very nice and pretty in person. I managed my sisters friend to take a pic of me and Lindsey. I didnt have any paper on hand for an autograph though but still it was pretty amazing. I also had another sighting at Makansutra. It was my first love-heartbreak/an ex of mine. I knew she worked in SG but to see her at that time and moment it was like a WTF moment. I did not know if she noticed me as she and her friends were sitting one table away.

Anyway, we tried to do a lot of what we can in the last day of the trip. Go around MBS, swim in the Infinity Pool and go ride the Singapore Flyer, which is the most perfect place to propose..at least I that what I think.

I also managed to squeeze in time to meet-up with a dear friend who's working in SG. Me and the rest of the gang thought of giving her a few things so she wont be sad and down. Im happy that she was happy with the gifts and that we were able to hangout even if it was just for a little while.

Going back home is always the hard part. I tried not to get emotional as I said my farewell to my sister. There was still a lot of things to do, food to eat, places to go, things to buy but you almost always have never enough time.

Hopefully i'll be able to go back and stay for a bit longer. I would love to go back and do all the other things I couldnt the first time. It was my first time and it wont be the last.

Christmas.

Just a couple of weeks ago I was having conversations with my friends on how we didn't feel the same old spirit of Christmas like we did when we were young.

Of course as a child, I would anticipate the opening of gifts and of course the food. All the glorious food.

As I grew older...things changed. But no the Fire Nation wasnt the culprit. It was just that Christmas begins to look and feel different at different age groups. Moreso when you are already working. I myself have spent a few christmases at work (but it was fun).

As I grew older, Christmas wasnt that much of...well, Christmas anymore.

And yes, I know the true meaning of Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus and so on. But hey, we all have our own thought on it so yea.

Anyhoo...

A few days ago, with Christmas getting near...aaand still nothing. Although I spent a good time hanging out with friends so I cannot complain.

The thing I am scared and sad and worried and sad about is that well...actually there are a lot of things.

First off, it'll be the first Christmas without Wiya. Thats a big thing. Last Christmas, I slaved over the oven to bake a chicken for Wiya and was happy that she loved it. Now, I just see her in pictures and in my memories.

Then it'd be the loneliness...I'm not technically spending it alone as I have my older bro around but that doesnt mean that it cant get lonely.

/sigh

Yeah..yeah, bah humbug and all that.

But that mood kinda changed.....I am happy that a lot of my friends have gone out of their way to try and cheer me up. I received a few things I didnt/wasnt expecting. I was offered to have dinner to a few peoples' houses. They even offered to come and be with me on Christmas Eve.

On this Christmas Eve, I am happy. That Christmas feeling is back again even if it wasnt there just yesterday.

I have a good feeling things'll be better come next year.

Merry Christmas!

Happy Holidays!

Reunion

It was prolly the happiest I've been in a very long time.

..not discounting the fun times I've had with my friends of course. I've always had a lot of happy times with them. But ..it's a bit different with Family.

One reason why is because my family hasn't had a gathering like this in a very long time as well. Mom and her 10 siblings were all complete once again (plus a few of their spouses and some cousins) in one roof and it was pretty awesome.

All in all, we numbered around 30 people. We went from Guagua (ancestral home) to Baguio and then to Vigan. It was pretty much a very awesome trip.

Being able to reconnect with my aunt's, uncle's and cousins was cool. I did get asked a few questions I knew most of them will ask. I gave them a general answer and I get the usual response, most of which I heard  before. But it still felt reassuring as it now comes from family.

I was also given tons of advice..on everything. I just wish I had the confidence and strength my relatives have. Most of them have their own story to tell and share  with regards to their own experiences and hardships and that all of them had a lesson or two to impart with me. Be it either  in life, love or health.

Speaking of health....the diet sort of ..kinda went out the window once the relatives started arriving. All of them had chocolates to give and till now we have a fridge full of chocolates. Add to that the many times we went out and had a big meal in malls. Then there was that big food fest for the cousins in Guagua and then the whirlwind food encounters in Baguio and Vigan.

Sure there was a ton of food (mostly while in Vigan), I did try my best to avoid anything that could set back my health. Key word: Try LOL. Funny thing was, my Mom was on my case with eating fatty food but then again she didn't follow her own advice and she spent a few hours lying on the bed with prolly high BP, trying to sleep it off. Me? I know what my body can and cannot take. I had no High BP issues whatsoever despite my intake. So there :p

Anyway...

It's been almost two weeks since the trip and it has been more than a week since they all flew back to the US of A (and my sister back to SG). Life now has started to slow down to a crawl again and the house is as silent as it is almost empty. It's sad and depressing really but that's expected I guess. It would be nice it this was a yearly thing but well..financially it would be hard. Then again, hopefully it will again sooner rather than later.

For the curious, here is my lovable family:

in Guagua..

in Baguio...

in Vigan...

Knowing. Not knowing.

Being told how to live your life isn't really how some should live. But it is applicable for someone who has lost their way which is more or less a perfect description of how I am right now.

I know that I am not on the best path right now. Heck, I don't even know if I'm on a path. I don't even know what path to go on or if there's even a clear path for me to walk on to. People have always said to just go and forge your own way. Now, I know that I'm not doing anything to get on any kind of path but I know that every little step you do, no matter how insignificant, is still a step into the path you're going on. So maybe I am going on my way but it's just taking a lot of time.

I know I'm not a good guy. I know I can be pretty much of a douche, an asshole, an ingrate, a whiny bitch, a user, an abuser, a liar, a cheat, a hypocrite, a lazy-ass, insecure, paranoid, judgmental, and maybe some more. I acknowledge those facts about my self and I am not denying the fact that I've done a whole lot of wrong in my life and I still prolly will. At least that's the most honest thing I can say about me right now.

There are some things that you just cannot control, things that you don't get a say in, things that you can't get your hands on, and things that just go and pass you by. I've learned about these in the best AND worst ways ever possible. There are lessons to be learned and there are morals to the stories. The question is, did I learn anything? Maybe...maybe not. All I have is the knowledge. All I have are the emotions. The lessons will come in time.

So, in short, I am broken as broken would be. I would be lying if I said that everything was okay. It actually is and isn't all at the same time. It's not ideal, it's not perfect, but it is what it is. I can only blame myself, for all things I've done and for all the things I didn't do.

..then again, I'm a liar so why believe everything and anything you read here ...right?

Writing Block.

I wanted to write something.

It has been a long time since I did.

I even was in some sort of mood to write.

I wanted to assault that blank page of Word with words and make a story.

Unfortunately, I couldn't seem to write anything of significance. I tried doing something new. I tried writing a new story but nothing really came into place. It started out okay, I had the story in my head but I couldn't put it into clear words. I can't properly relay the story in my head through my hands for them to be able to type it into words. So I just stopped trying and saved the thing and hopefully I can continue it someday.

I then tried to write the continuation of my zombie story (new version is here while the original post is here). Again like the story mentioned above, I already have ideas in my head on how to continue what I wrote previously. But again I couldn't properly type it up. Rather than pushing it, I stopped.

The whole thing is so frustrating. I wanted to really go and write something but it was so hard to do so. Weirdly enough, here I am easily writing a post about my hard time writing stories. How weird and strange is that?

I'm not really a writer. I have not studied to be one nor trained. I just like writing my own stuff which started at around late 90's. Prior to writing stories, I used to write poetry. A LOT of poetry. Mostly about, you guessed it, love and loss. Come to think of it, i've never written any poetry as of late. It's been awhile. The last time was way back in college and it was for a girl.

Anyway.

I wish I could get back to writing my stories. To be honest, it's the only thing I can do where I think I can excel. Hopefully I get bitten by the bug again and just let the words flow and come up with something nice. It would be a nice distraction and a break from all the stuff happening around me.

Changes.

I think one of the more obvious changes I'd have recently is the fact that I'm trying to lose weight.

For the longest time my Mom, and my Cardio (as well as a few other relatives) has been telling me to lose weight. It's mostly because of my health issues. Losing weight can help me out a lot in improving my general condition but I really haven't taken it too seriously.

During the last few days of August, I started the whole shebang. I started talking morning walks which is a little difficult for someone like me who had on and off insomnia and a very late sleeper. I had to wake up really early to enjoy the last few hours before the sun showed its face. I also set a routine that as much as possible I walk for 40minutes...and if ever I can, stretch it to an hour. I haven't really done morning walks in a long time. I used to jog every morning prior to getting sick. Then when I got a bit better I tried jogging again which turned a bit disastrous so I reduced it to walking. That didn't last long though. Certain events made me just give up.

In addition to the morning walks, I have also decided to tone done my eating. If you've seen me eat, I eat a lot. I am a very avid eater. You would definitely enjoy my company when it's time to eat. Anyway, I toned down on my rice intake and unlike in the past where I only did it for a few days, I made it pretty sure that the routine stuck. It was hard though but after a few days, everything was fine. I even went two days without eating rice.

I was around 200lbs. when Mom and the siblings left for the US. I lost 15lbs. during those months of depression. And ever since I started walking and watching what I eat, I managed to lose 6lbs. in a week. I couldn't believe it myself but all the hard work paid off. I managed to lose weight and that alone is an achievement.

If you're prolly wondering why I just started taking the whole thing seriously...well, I was actually challenged to do so. The whole thing started because I was challenged to lose 20lbs. in 3 months or less. The payoff? Well the terms was that I was to be "given what I want" without even ever trying to establish what I wanted. Plus the mention of "a lot more motivation". Unfortunately, as what would normally happen to me, the whole thing was almost forgotten by the one who challenged me. So the whole might be just words and stuff but I don't mind. I really do need to lose weight so at least the whole thing started the whole thing. Well sure I was motivated by the fact that there would be something at the end of the rainbow if I do pull this off and lose 20lbs. (which is now down to 14lbs). I mean it would be nice if there was a payoff to all of this but I guess I just have to do the thing to find out.

Anyway, results have been good so far. 2 of my pants are loose and the tightest pair I have is also a bit loose. The brand new shorts that my brother bought me is much loose as well. I haven't had use for a belt for years and now it seems I am in need of one. My shirts have been loose as well. I think that as I continue to try and lose the target weight I will be needing a new wardrobe.

Despite the uncertainty of the challenge and it's "rewards and motivations". I will still go through with losing weight. For the past few months it felt like I haven't done anything at all to improve anything ever since "that" happened. So now, at least I have this.

In Addition:
I think that it's also an achievement to have done this on my own. I did not follow any dietary plan or enroll into any program. I am not starving myself and this isn't a crash diet. You just have to have willpower.