40

 i never thought that i'd reach this age but here i am. nothing much has changed tho, just my age. since me and my older brothers' bdays are just a day apart, we kinda usually just celebrated at the same time. so at least im assured of cake and spaghetti and some sort of celebration. adult birthdays isnt really that much fun and the gifts are non existent. i guess being able to celebrate is the gift.

when i was a kid, i thought that id be like my dad when i grew up. working, married with kids, living in a house of my own. little did i know how things'll actually turn out.

mostly its my fault though. i just ran out of drive and motivation to..well do almost anything. ive given no more thoughts to any kind of dreams and ambitions as from what ive experienced, things dont really work out as planned despite doing everything that you can to make it so. things change as ive been told. the only thing thats ever constant in this world is change is also something ive read about. its just that mostly for my part, things changed not for the better. im just tired. im tired of doing things that will just be another waste of time, another heartache, another disappointment, another reason for me to go into dark thoughts again. 

 i know understand when i was told that i wasnt in their future because i dont even see my own future infront of me. just living...well more of just existing day to day. i dont think things will change much now that ive reach 40.

40 years seemed to just pass by fast. i had a anxiety attack thinking about how things will be 40 years from now. will i even reach 80? if i do, what will be next other than death? whats next after that? it was one of the few times i thought about fearong of dying..on how ill miss alot of stuff..on how i wont be seeing whats next for most of the things that i love. i tried hard to dismiss those thoughts as it was taking its toll on me and it wasnt hood for my heart and its condition.

im not really sure and dont really know what comes next.

i just want to be happy.

once again.

 its almost been more than a month since i got discharged from a weeks stay in the hospital. i wasnt feeling well leading up to my birthday. i thought it was just a simple cold that i could just easily take care of but it got worse. thankfully (or not?), it wasnt covid but rather my heart condition failing again.

when i met with my new cardio, she immediately sensed (and saw) what was wrong and didnt like how i looked. she then told me and my older brother that she would want me to be admitted in the hospital asap as she said in her own words, "were looking at heart failure that could lead to a stroke".

my heart rate was fast and i could feel it and my breathing was labored. more or less the same symptoms i had when i first got sick. and here i thought i was on the mend.

it was actually a few months prior when my 2d echo scans were all normal and pretty great as per a cardio (a new one but not the newest one). my mum always wanted a 2nd opinion from another cardio with regards to my heart condition and we managed to finally get one but thats when the problem started. i did explain as properly as i could regarding what happened to me but i guess when he saw my results, he deemed i was pretty much fine and said that i could stop taking my maintenance meds. i was dumbfounded at first. i asked hime more than twice if he was sure and if it was okay to do so. i even asked if do i just stop asap or just until the meds i had were gone but he said i could just top taking them now. tbh i was happy with my results and also happy not to take meds anymore but part of me was worried.

i mad sure that i stayed healthy or at least as healthy i think that i could get since i still couldnt believe that it was fine to not take meds anymore. well everything was actually doing fine until it wasnt and i relapsed. as much as i dont want to point fingers and blame, i felt like if i hadnt stopped taking my meds, things wouldnt have gone the way they did. that if if we just stuck to the plan and didnt get a second opinion, i would be getting even better and not back to almost zero.

that week at the hospital was bad. i couldnt have visitors as they'd have to get tested for covid everytime they would visit, then again no one even bothered to try to visit anyway. i was also alone for most of the time as my older bro had to work and also feed our dogs at home so he cant watch over me. i did have my phone and an internet connection but it was still so lonely. 

i was happy that my newest cardio was more knowledgeable and friendly. you could really feel that she was concerned and that she really wanted me better. she didnt want me to stay long at the hospital mostly because of the expenses especially since i was feeling better but she wanted to make sure ill be okay enough to leave. after a few tests, she gave the ok signal for me to go home exactly a week later and me and my older bro have been seeing her for my checkups monthly. 

im on the mend so far but i know im still not 100% and im not really sure when will i be. at bets, i want things to go back to when i was well and had little meds to drink (currently, theyre 16 and prior, they were just 4).

i was already feeling down because i got excited for my birthday for nothing and then i got sick again. i guess that just how it is because thats how its been for me.

Family Reunion

 Mum and my younger siblings are actually on their way back home to the US at the time of this writing. Their trip here lasted almost a month. There were days that went by so slow but there were also days were things were happening so fast. It still feels like the time each other was too short.

The whole thing was just a little dream we all talked about a couple of years ago. They went here for vacation in 2019, before covid hit so we were all lucky. I guess we all wanted a vacation during the whole lockdown "era". It started with a few ideas between my Mum and Younger sister. My older brother would chime in once in awhile. It was fun to be able to think of places to go. A trip to japan was also being thrown around with each of us just going and meeting up there since it was made clear that getting a US visa was going to be hard AND pricey. I didn't really think that it would push through but things happened and suddenly the whole trip seemed so viable. I think it was around the start of 2021 when things got real and things sort of got finalized and then Mum started asking us (the older siblings) if there were things we wanted which theyll bring. After a seemingly long time, arrival dates were given and all we had to do was wait.

Me and my older bro had a month to finalize things at home which was basically general cleaning and who sleeps in what room. It was totally a chore but we managed to do it. At the time, I still couldnt believe that from years to months, to weeks and then it was only days before we see the rest of the family again. I was pretty much excited as everyone else.

My younger sister arrived two weeks before Mum and the younger siblings but stayed with the in-laws for those two weeks. They then came home on the day Mum and the rest also arrived. Coincidentally, the arrival date from 2019 was also the same for this year.

From there we went everywhere we can. We had planned alot of trips that we were able to squeeze in. I'm thankful I was free (the shop is still closed at this moment) for this because the last time, I couldnt go to some of the trips due to work and I regretted it. I tried to go to all the trips this time around. We had a few misadventures along the way but it was still good. I regret not being able to properly bond and talk to Mum and my younger siblings and that some of the things I wanted to do with my younger siblings (like a drinking session) didnt really fall through. I did what I can though and I hope that that was enough.

I thought about how were lucky to be able to have this during these times. It was hard enough with the pandemic but being able to have the family all together again was something what we all needed.

The house was full and alive during these past few weeks but...now that everyone's gone back. It feels so quiet and empty. That empty feeling was also heavy within me. Even if it was a short time, it was pretty hard be home with just me and my older bro again. This time around was more hard for me. Ive been a bit emotional during the whole pandemic and ..the "separation anxiety" just added to things and..its pretty hard when youve got no one to talk to about it. Theres nothing I can do about it as it has been like this for awhile. I let things be and try to cope. 

I do hope Mum and the sibs got to enjoy their trip this time. Hope they would be able to return again when they can.

The New Year post

 So...2021 was more or less the same as 2020. The pandemic was still here but was finally able to get vaccinated and felt safe until another variant came and booster shots were needed. Things have already been bad and it felt like the worse is coming. I mean I havent even talked about how much of a shitty clown show the upcoming elections for my country is having.

2021 also had its fair share of surprises. I think the most surprising one was being able to sort of reconnect with someone I never thought I'd hear from again. For a time, I thought I'd be getting a bit of closure but eventually I realized that wasn't the case. I also realized that it won't matter because its been years and it won't feel that genuine. It'll be like just saying it for the sake of just saying it. I was surprised that I was the sort of...told to say what I wanted to say, I mean I thought Ive already did that with all the posts about it here. I still said my piece and I feel that that'll be the last time I'll hear from her ever again and that's fine and that's okay.

I'm pretty much relieved that nothing big happened to me healthwise this year. There wasn't a hospital trip or any scares especially with covid running rampant. I had/have a big fear of prolly getting it because that's how my luck usually goes. I hope that continues to be the case for the new year. I also hope that I didn't just jinx it lol

I can't say the same mentally though. It's been getting harder and harder to get up in the morning. When the shop was still open, I at least had a reason to push myself off and get up. Lately, I'd just rather stay in bed the whole day. The bed just sinks me in deeper and deeper. I dunno if this is part of an underlying issue or not. I've also been crying alot at little things lately. If something tugs at my heartstrings then the waterworks come out. Be it from an anime, western show, a movie, or a manga. I mean I've always been easy to get teary-eyed buts just more prevalent lately. Well..

Anyhoo, we managed to open the shop again albeit just for 9 months and 3 days a week. The covid restrictions made it hard for the shop to function like it was before but that just wasn't the only thing. We moved one floor up to a much smaller place than before and there wasn't a kitchen so we couldn't generate additional income. The product restock was slower than usual and that left me dumbfounded then again there wasn't much income being generated so it was hard to just dish out money that didn't come out form the shops income. We closed indefinitely until face to face will be viable again just after 9 months of being open. Sad that it wasn't possible to just stretch it out a little bit until the end of the year (no xmas bonus lol). It it what it is. I'm still trying to figure out what not do next but im totally clueless. I do have a few things in mind but...I dunno, it's just hard to put into action with how the state of everything is.

Things weren't all bad. I was still lucky enough to have people, friends still being there for me despite everything. I do feel guilty receiving alot from them and not be able to give back for their generosity and such, I do hope i am able to someday. Vtubers have also been part of my daily life. I am thankful for their existence as my loneliness and boredom disappears when I watch them. 

I don't know what this year will be like for me. I do hope that it'll be more better.

I'm not really sure who has been reading/viewing my posts but I do appreciate it. I'm happy that people has spent their precious time reading my nonsensical ramblings. Thank you.

Happy New Year!

The Christmas post.

 Celebrating Christmas...the Christmas celebration, is waaaaaaay different when you're older.

You didn't have to worry about a thing when you were a kid during Christmas. You just had to wait until it was time to eat and open your gifts. Well, the only thing I was worried about was getting clothes and the like as presents. That changed because I'd be happy to get anything at all as a Christmas gift nowadays.

You never really see whats behind the scenes of all the Christmas prep being done as a kid but as you grow older, you get to see a little bit of that slowly but surely. Until you yourself is part of it for awhile....until you're just too tired to do anything so you just order food and stuff.

Christmas for me has become sad as it has just become any other day. Maybe its because  its just me and my older brother at home. Maybe its because "the spirit" isn't there anymore.

Altho I'm still lucky as I get to celebrate it still because im still here despite of everything. That a few of my friends still find time to greet and and even give me presents even if I can't give any presents back.

If the rest of the family was here or me and my bro went to visit relatives then I would prolly have my festive Christmas mood on. 

But as it is now, i'd just eat and greet a few people when the clock strikes twelve and move along.

I wish anyone who's sti8ll here reading this a very Merry Christmas to you and your family. Thank you for finding the time to read this. I wholly appreciate it.

Now what?

 I'm 37 and most people my age (or younger) are already married, maybe have their own house. They're prolly thinking of having kids or already have them. In short, they all have their futures planned.

I was somewhat the the same a few years back but I learned that not all things happen as planned and things can change in an instant. It hit me hard when I was told that I wasn't in their future despite they being in mine.

Funny thing.

It also didn't happen just that once tho.

I tried again but things turned out mostly the same.

Since I was thinking of the future with them, I made future plans that revolved with them. When I was left behind, those plans just vanished and I really couldn't do it on my own. I guess I prolly could but I was so distraught at both times that it didn't matter.

Now, I don't have any desire for the future. I don't have any plans at all. I've been unmotivated because anytime I try to think up of something, it ,just doesn't work out and I've been just so disillusioned of it all. I've been so tired and drained of everything.

I'll be fine just being able to have a job and to be able to have good health. If I'll be happy as well then that's a good bonus. I don't have the motivation to aim for anything else or something higher.

I've just been so jaded of it all. The current pandemic hasn't helped either.

That's why when I was asked "how do you see yourself 10.. 5 years from now?" a year ago, I just laughed and said, "alive".

The future or lack thereof.

When I was young, all I thought about for the future was that I wanted to be a soldier. At the time I always played with toy soldiers and GI Joes (well the few ones I had) so those prolly influenced me. It changed to being a police officer but that was even before highschool. Other than those, I never really thought about the future. I think the time I really started thinking about the future was when we moved to the province from the city. It was a pretty big move for the family because weve only moved once and we were still in the city near our grandparents (from my fathers side). Being in a new environment made me think of what to so and what'll happen next. There has been alot personal stuff that has been happening as well at the time and I also feel like this was also the time that I first felt depressed.

During the last few years of highschool, I wasnt sure of what course to take for college until I just settled on psychology because they didnt have alot of Math and because of my view of psychologists and therapists in movies and show. Helping people out to deal with their issues and problems felt like its for me since I was helping people out alot. I didnt even think about the future jobs I wanted as a kid. I didnt think I would make it and I just didnt feel like it.

During my college years, it ahs been apparent that I wont prolly wont be doing the work of those ive seen on the media. My country at the time didnt prioritize mental health and didnt have much jobs for my course when I graduate. Years later, in hindsight, I should have prolly went with another course most likely to have been a better fit for me (maybe?) which was MassCom.

The first few years of work that I did wasnt really fun or felt like it was for me (a little bit of secretarial work, photography, and then in the BPO industry). It felt more like, I need the work because I need to work now. I did manage to land a job that was a dream job I wanted butthe first one wasnt really that good. The job was being a Game Community Mod/ or a GM. Prolly anyone who has played online games dreamt of  being one. I kinda did and landing a dream job was supposed to be awesome but the first one wasnt. It kinda felt like a chore and tbh the account I was in had a game that wasnt that good and not that interesting to me. The management was also bad. At first I was happy because I had a close friend who was also working there (in fact, she told me about the job) but when she left, it all went downhill. I left just before the company closed down. I tried so hard to look for the same kind of work because it was fun and I wanted to find a workplace that was fun while working too. It didnt take long(ish) until I found a workplace where it felt like it wasnt work. I got really lucky. Also at the time I was with someone and tbh I was more into the work that the relationship (bad I know) that I sometimes forget to communicate and talk to my significant other. I was also lucky that she stayed with me despite of me being myself. It was also around that time that I actually thought of the future (with her). I mean if someone was willing to be with me through all of the tings then yknow, you get to start thinking and stuff. Needless to say, there were alot of plans and stuff that were thought out..maybe. I even went to baking class because I felt like I didnt want to be a burden and that i'd be able to help out more if I also knew how to bake. But alas it wasnt meant to be.

That and the death of my granmum really took a toll on me. Also my health wasnt that great at the time as well. All of the future plans were gone and I had no fall back at all. It took awhile before I got back on my feet being able to work again in a dream job I thought I could have which was working at/for a figure hobby shop. I also manage to get involved again with someone. With things seemingly going fine, I started thinking about the future again. I was at an age where I should be settling down and it felt like I wouldve but well..again, shit just happens yknow.

I got left behind again by the shop (it pulled out the bramch I was working in and wanted to just have the one a city away) and the girl (she cheated on me).

It seemed to me like everytime I thought about the future and tried planning for it, things seem to happen. So I stopped.

I just take it day to day now. I really dont see any future for me as ive experienced, things tend to change alot that it wont happen anyway.

Ive already worked my dream jobs (that also concerned my hobbies). I am still employed in a dream job as well (still hobbies) but with the current pandemic...well. 

I'll be 40 in a few years. I dont really know what future is there for me. Also, I dont feel like id be able to find someone to stay long enough.... rather ive given up hope on that end.

When I was asked by someone about how I see myself in 5..or 10 years...I replied with just, "ALIVE". ....and well hopefully happy too.