the start of december.

so.

its already december. there are a few things happening this month. christmas is a given of course but theres also two weddings (my friends ' and my sisters) and the fact that years after going to the states, mom and the younger siblings are coming home for christmas AND new year. there also one more thing but i have doubts if its ever going to happen.

anyways. to a few things that already happened.

so a few months back, my friend announced he was getting married. he invited me and of course i told him i was going. it was actually the first time for me to go to a friends wedding. weeks after he announced (i...think?), he then told me that ill be one of his groomsmen. i was surprised because i didnt think id qualify.i was also nervous because it was first time to be a groomsman plus that i didnt own formal clothing (lol).

to be honest, i didnt know anyone in his wedding. sure there were a couple of old grade school people but i havent talked to anyone from my old school in years. especially the ones that were also invited. so i asked my bestfriend if she wanted to go with me ad i was surprised she said yes because well, i didnt think she'd wanted to go.

it was a pretty awesome wedding. my friend added a few video game and anime  songs in his wedding playlist that was played by this awesome string accompanied band. i also talked to my bestfriend about a few plans i was thinking up for my own wedding. though it doesnt really matter because i still have doubts id ever get married.

it was a good day but as soon i was about to sleep, i received a message from my bestfriend that said our good pal justin took his own life. i was extremely shocked. i went to his fb profile and saw a couple of posts about his death already. i was in denial. i kept asking myself if i was already asleep and was having a bad dream. i then broke down and cried and cried. i just couldnt believe that he just did what he did. he was already doing okay. hes gotten past a few of his problems and he has someone there to support and love him. it just didnt fit. he had two loving daughters and he always mentioned that he cant leave them alone. but, in the end, i guess he did.

i went to the first day of his wake. i was zoning out. i still cant believe he was lying in that casket infront of me. nobody saw this coming. he didnt show any signs. the only question i had was, why? sure, he wasnt a perfect person but he didnt have to go out the way he did. the whole ordeal was heavy on me. i didnt even go to the 2nd day and to his cremation. it was all just pretty unfair. then again, me of all people, should already know that life is really unfair. that it is cruel as it is beautiful. it made me ask the question again though, "why am i still here?".

will there be a day when ill also just snap like my friend and just end it? i must admit, the thought has crossed my mind alot of times.

~

im kind of hating myself right now because i was hoping for something to happen. i wasnt really promised anything. there wasnt really a confirmation that what was said was actually going to happen. but i still hoped. even when i felt like i didnt matter, i still hoped. im still hoping. im still waiting. it hurts.

November, november.

Who'd have thought the year would pass by fast (maybe not fast enough for some) and its just two more months before 2017. I'm not that excited...well, a little bit because of my birthday but then again, it'll be just the same so nothing really worth getting excited about.

The only thing I'm looking forward to are a few events on December.

First is the wedding of a friend of mine where it'll be my first time as a groomsman. I need to lose some weight and shave and get a haircut. There isn't much time as it's on the first week of December. The latter parts are easy but the losing weight part is dang hard. Why even? So that at least I can fit in formal wear. I don't even know where to get a coat and tie suit. I obviously don't have one so if I'm borrowing one then losing weight is a must in order to fit.

Second is the wedding of my younger sister. Again, i'll be more than just a guest. I'll be handling the rope..chain..thingie? Anyway, I also need to be clean-shaven and lose weight. I'm still not sure about what to wear.

The only thing I'm pretty excited about ...I mean really REALLY excited about is that my Mom and younger siblings would be home for Christmas AND New year! I haven't seen (well except on video calls) my younger siblings since they went to the US. I've missed them alot. Mom has been home a few times, I miss her too but we'd be complete this time around plus one (my sisters son, Ethan).

There's also one more thing but I'm not even sure if it's going to happen at all. I don't want to hope too much. And as much as I would love for it to happen, it's not really up to me. I'll just have to wait and see.

So from now till December, there's not going to be alot going on. Just the usual days I guess. Its not bad to hope for better days but it's disappointing when they don't happen. Nothing to do but grin and bear it.

overkill.

I dont know where im going with this. This'll be more of like rambling than a decent post. I just wanted to write down some of the things in my head. I wish I could write in down in a more eloquent manner but theres just too much running around in my head.

There are alot of things I dont know. Things that a person my age should know. It scares me.

Maybe because im stuck right now. I have been for the longest time. And mostly, its all my fault.
Im not sure where to go though. Im not sure what to do. Im not even sure if things'll work out if I did now. Im not sure if im needed.  Im not sure. Im just not sure.

The only thing im sure of is that im a mess right now and trying to keep things together has been really hard. trying to make sense of it all makes it even harder.

I mean, you go out there everyday with good intentions, trying so hard to do your best. Then what happens? Shit. Thats what. Either you fuck things up yourself or someone does it for you.

I stopped dreaming for myself. I stopped having personal future goals. I know whats in store for me in the future. Nothing but disappointment. Just like what I am.

Im lost. Maybe I want to be found. Maybe not. I dunno. I mean, what then? What happens next if im found?

Its the uncertainty of it all. It makes me overthink too much.

Theres this heavy ache in me that never goes away.

Try to get something going. Try to have a routine.Try to do something. Try to be more positive.

Try to get a rhythm going. Have something to work on.

But why do I still feel empty.

I thought I was doing ok.

I thought I was ok.

I dunno if ill ever be ok.

conversations and such

A few nights ago. I was talking with a friend of mine. I opened up to her as to how I'm not that much a nice person  that she sees me to be. As well as how I'm not that as happy as I look.

It was apparent how she got a bit frustrated on my stubbornness on things. As well as my pessimistic outlook. I told her that I've accepted the fact that things wont work out well for me and that it probably  never will.

Explaining to someone how you're happy but not "happy" happy is a bit hard. Kinda like saying you're okay but not okay. Like just somewhere in the middle. It's not really a definite answer but it sort of explains how things are. As vague as it is.

It's not that I don't feel happy when something good happens or I don't feel happy when I see my nephew or I don't feel happy when the shop has  a good day. It's just that. It's not the kind of happy that sticks. It's weird, I know, but that's how it feels. I know it probably confused my friend on how and why I feel like this even though she sees me all smiles and laughs when she visits the shop. But I think she understood, though I think she'd prefer me to at least try a little. I think friends who knows what's going on with me would also like that too.

I think I've already mentioned in a previous post that "Just existing" would be okay for me. It's just how it is. Until the day comes when i'd really feel happy...or not.

And so, an update.

So..update I guess plus a couple of movie mini-reviews.

I got really sick a few weeks back thanks to a sore throat and getting drenched in the rain and had to walk thru a little bit of flood. Dealing with getting sick as an adult sucks but I got through it. It took awhile before the coughing stopped but now im a bit wary of the weather. Its been either too hot and too cold and wet. Thats a good recipe for getting sick. I guess Im not as immune as I was a few years back.

Ah, I guess I forgot to mention it last time. But an uncle of mine died a few months ago. He was my moms' older brother and they were close. He was a good man. He always had a welcoming smile during the last few times we saw him. He always made sure everyone had something to eat or drink or is comfortable. He died of a heart attack. He was still young and for me, he was healthy. So it was all a sudden surprise things happened the way they happened.

Now a few months after, A close family friend of my aunt died of a heart attack too. He was also a good man. He was their driver for a few years. He had pneumonia and had complications that led to a heart attack. So it kinda rung a few alarms with my aunt and her mom (my other granma) so they asked how my health was doing and if i had pneumonia shots before..or something to that effect.

To be honest...with the way things went/are prolly going. Im kinda surprised I havent had an attack...or a mild stroke even.

Anyway.

I managed to watch two great films almost a week apart. Star Trek Beyond and Suicide Squad.

For Star Trek Beyond, well first off. Ive been always more of a Star Wars fan. But Ive loved the Star Trek movies, both new and old. I liked a few original ST episodes and TNG, as well as DS9. Now, the first two new movies were pretty great. It introduced new people to a new Star Trek Universe. The new film continues where Into Darkness left off. But rather than pulse pounding ship to ship action. This one had more feelings. It introduced a way different villain than whatever the crew has encountered before. It did have a few awesome ship action. It did contain a few funny scenes to balance things. I was a bit distracted everytime Anton was in a scene. It was weird that in some scenes he was in. It was like he was always trying to woo the alien females haha...i dunno. Maybe it was just me. The whole plot wasnt really that much grandiose. It seemed like a usual story plot with a few twists.  But even with that, it was a fun sci-fi movie. Although it felt a bit lacking for me in the end. I mean it wouldve been nice to set-up the follow-up film haha.

For Suicide Squad. I have some knowledge of the team via a few comics ive read and episodes of JL Animated Series, as well as their animated movie. The reviews didnt really matter to me. I still wanted to watch the movie and see for myself what the hullabaloo was all about. It had a nice story. Though sometimes it felt like you were watching just scenes mashed in together. I had my doubts with Will Smith being casted as Deadshot. But he was pretty great. Cara was just sublime. I liked her more than Margot Robbie. I agree with a friend of mine that we needed more Captain Boomerang. Like more boomeranging with a diverse array of boomerangs like a sticky bomb boomerang. Like trick boomerangs of every sort. I dunno why they depicted him as someone off his rocker. He was a pretty laid back dude in the comics. They couldve just made him just a teeny bit crazy. They couldve explained how Katana got included in the team rather than just showing up. The Joker's presence also felt like that. Sure its not his movie, but they hyped him so much only to just turn out like a cameo. I think we need a full length movie where he's the main baddie to fully appreciate Jared Leto's Joker. I liked it. It was something old and new at the same time. Im kinda leaning into the theory that he is Jason Todd. I mean its a nice theory. But anyway yea, the film was pretty nice. It didnt feel like an R-13 movie though. I mean Rambo (the more recent one) had more blood and gore and curse words in it. If theyre going to do another one, I hope they just let it be and not do stuff that would ruin the film (like reshoots and changing things to please people).

Both are great movies to watch. Try catching them if you have the time.

A real update...I guess.

I guess its high time for an actual post of updates of the blogger, yours truly.

This blog has been more of an emotional outlet for the past few years. I tried to do a separate blog for those kinds of things/posts but I still remained here.

Anyways, things have been messy but okay (if there ever is such a thing). Im kinda thankful that I still have whatever semblance of good health thats left in me. I must admit that I had certain lapses, forgetting to drink my medicine at times. My forgetfulness is getting worse I guess. How? I forgot the keys in the car once and it was downright embarrassing.

I have been keeping busy. As busy as I can, helping out at my friends' hobby shop. It has been a great pleasure and stressful thing. I say stressful in a good way. I mean every kind of business has its own ups and downs. But its par of the course.

My younger sister has given birth to a cute bundle of joy named Ethan Archer. Its a unique name, I know. Just seeing him makes me smile and be happy. This is one nephew thats going to be spoiled rotten by his uncle. Well, hopefully soon. Once things get okay on the earning end.

I wont say it out loud but I'm a bit jealous of my friends that have girlfriends. It would be nice to feel that kind of love again. But I have already accepted the fact that i'll grow old alone. Well, not alone...maybe a few dogs. If it comes then it comes. If not, then thats just how it is.

For now, Im ok with "just existing" because thats what it feels. That Im just here. Nothing really special. Just here...around. Thats how it is.

I have alot of things in my mind. I have done alot of drafts. Erased sentences and paragraphs. But it still didnt feel right. I cannot properly convey the things in my head right now.

All that I know is that I feel so lost. That I feel so defeated. I feel that this is such a cruel punishment. To feel this almost everyday.

isnt it enough?

...

You are angry.

But you cannot be.

There are reasons why.

So you focus the anger on yourself.
It eats you up.
Its not a good feeling.
So you try to dispose of it.
You punch the wall with your bare fist.
It hurts.
The anger is still there.
You are still angry at yourself.
So you do it again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
You divert your anger to control the pain.
You repeat until pain now overwhelms you.

You lean on the wall you were punching.
You see that your right hand is red.
You slide down and take a seat.
You are now slumped on the cold hard floor.
Its not comfortable but you dont care.

A new emotion comes in.
But the anger isnt gone.
Its just driven deep inside of you.
You are now trying to stop yourself from crying.
You cannot stop it.
So you just let it be.
You feel hurt and pain.
But not from punching the wall.
This is more severe than physical pain.

This is where you question yourself.
This is where you doubt yourself.
This is where you just stop caring.
This is where you will entertain certain ideas.
This is where you will choose.

Is it?

I asked that question because it was something I really wanted to ask. It wasn't for attention or to fish for pity. But hey, you think what you want. Everyone's allowed to have their own opinion. I wont hold it against you.

Is it okay for me to be alive?

It feels that all that I've been doing lately is wrong. Making wrong choices and decisions. Saying the wrong things. There just some things that seem wrong. But hey, making the wrong choice and decisions will ultimately end up wrong isn't it?

Anhedonia has been slowly creeping in. Though some things are still okay. But there are times when stuff just feels like nothing.

I feel like I'm becoming just a burden to everyone. At some point in time, all the wrong things will catch up to me and I'm afraid that people I care about would get hurt by me or something else. ....unless it happened already.

Being on autopilot can only do so much. It feels like living a lie. So is it ok for me to be alive? I'm having a hard time seeing that it is.

...auto-pilot.

There's a room in my mind. A hidden place where I go and be by myself and quiet. I lock myself in there when I've had enough.

Then someone who's me knocks on the door. He asks me questions. Basically hes my autopilot.

"What do i do?"
"You're me. I am you."
"You answer when asked. You laugh appropriately when you find it funny. You share a little bit of our experience and knowledge when needed. You eat when you're hungry. You have fun when you need to have fun. Share stories and things when needed. When there's nothing then revert to me..sit still and be quiet."
"But...what about you?"
"I'll be alright here till the time comes"
"When will that be?"
"Who knows?"

..still here.

Well,

Its been awhile...but im still here.

Things have been going well. But not very much ..for the past few weeks. I wish I could type in a more happier post. But we dont always get what we want dont we?

My tito/uncle died a few days ago. Mum flew back from the US along with a couple of siblings to visit him but they didnt make it. Im pretty sad and hurt, Mum and her siblings are pretty close despite the fact that there's 11 of them. He was just here..and now he's gone :c


Prior to that, things have been spiraling downwards again. I lost count how many times the thought of killing myself passed thru my mind. I dont know whats going on anymore...whats happening or going to happen. I dont see anything for me anymore.

But well, i'm still here. I dont know why.

Something obligatory.

Was actually thinking whether or not to write this down. That's why it took a few days. To be honest, I haven't been blogging/posting a lot. Its not because there's nothing to write about. It's mostly because I put it off a lot that I tend to just forget it.

As I try to remember 2015. All I could think of is that it wasn't such a bad year but it wasn't a purely good one either. It was just somewhere in the middle I guess.

Last year, I realized that I am not as strong as I was. I mean I was so stubborn in neglecting the things that would've made life easier and healthier for me. In the process, I got sicker than usual. I didn't have strength when I needed it.

I also realized that I was somewhat stuck again. Trying to figure out what to do in life. I didn't think much about what to do in the future. I've had ideas but I didn't know what to do with them. Around that time, I met new people and we all became really good close friends. One of them was trying to go follow his dream. To be honest his dream was also a dream of mine. Since I cannot go fulfill my own, then why not help a friend fulfill his and maybe in helping another we could both have our dreams come true. Seeing a close friend happy because his dream is being realized gave me me more than what I bargained for. It made me happy and have a sense of contentment. It made me feel like I have some kind of purpose again. It is nice to be needed and appreciated, even if you're just doing the little things. A reason why this part is a bit more detailed it's because that if it weren't for the shop then I don't know how my 2015 would've  been.

~

Despite some mishaps along the way, 2015 was pretty okay near the end.

I have a lot of people to thank because of that. They're the ones that made it great for me. I may not act like it but every single little thing you guys do for me means a lot and I appreciate it very much. I also apologize if I have ever been mean to any of you. I'm not perfect as you guys prolly know by now. Thank you for being there for me and not being tired of my shit. I hope all of you please stay bear with me in 2016. I wouldn't gotten here if it weren't for everyone's help.

~

Alright 2016. I'm ready.