Failure.

I have been seeing how my beautiful granma deteriorates with each passing day and it pains me on how I can do nothing but watch.

It makes me feel like such a failure.

As I sit alone in my room..My mind goes blank and is suddenly filled with thoughts and feelings...I am reminded how much of a failure I have been.

I failed to get into schools that my parents and family wanted on two occasions. [Highschool and College]

I have failed to live to the expectations my parents have of me.

I have failed numerous people..friends, relatives ...be it broken promises or lies or just me being such an asshole.

I have failed to stick to the diet I was given to help me with my condition..

..and I have also failed to drink my maintenance meds..in fact there were months where I didn't drink any of them at all.

I have failed in finding any kind of regularity in terms of occupation.

I have failed in saving and maintaining the only good relationship I've had.

I am so close to failing and breaking my "I don't smoke anymore" promise.

Everything that has been happening has been out of my hands lately. It's so uncontrollable. The only thing I can do is just sit and watch. Grin and bear it.

Nothing makes sense.

Even dulling my senses with a drink doesn't help anymore. I guess I am also a failure at that as well.

Cancer.

Last year my granma was diagnosed with liver cancer.

She did not want chemo or laser[?] surgery so we opted for the oral med intake of what was supposed to be a "miracle drug but still a case-to-case basis" program.

My granma was one of those cases where it didn't work.

She is a sweet old woman. Ever since we were kids she has been there taking care of me and my siblings. She spoiled us alot... but that's what granparents do. We have always been grateful and appreciative of her.

That didn't change even when we all grew up. While my other siblings were set and focused on their life/future. I was still kind of wandering about..figuring out stuff. My granma was there to guide and support me. She was there to back me on most if not all of my ideas no matter how crazy it seemed. Because all she wanted was to see me happy. And with someone like that supporting me, how could I not be happy?

She was also there when I was at my lowest. First when I got really sick and got diagnosed with cardio myopathy. She always pestered me to drink my maintenance meds and always "controlled" my eating. And then, much recently [before she got diagnosed with cancer], when I told her that my ex had left me. It kind of hit her hard too. I mean my granma liked her alot. She thought she was perfect. When I told her, she just told me this: "I know you. Learn to forgive and forget. Sometimes that's just the way things are in life. It may not mean anything right now but maybe in the future it'll all make sense. I don't want to see you sad. Just go out and be happy."

Now, I cannot comprehend how this sweet kind old woman in her twilight years could have cancer.

She can barely walk and talk. There are times she almost doesn't eat. Her body has deteriorated and she looks like a shell of her former self.

The worse thing is that feeling of being so helpless. That you really can't do anything more to really help her. There have been times where I prayed and begged to have her sickness transferred to me. I don't know if I could handle it but all I know and all I want is to not see my granma this way. But of course it doesn't happen.

It's hard for me to see my last pillar of strength in such a condition. I wish I could do more. I wish that I could just take away the pain...the cancer.

It's just not fair.

Remember to Forget

The last post was meant to be...a bit longer than what it was but it felt like that one line explained it all.

Trying to forget something is a bit of a pain in the ass. Because there are times that you want to forget stuff but can't and there are times that you want to forget stuff but won't.

To the curious...or to those who didn't get it or to those who haven't really read the blog recently. I have been trying to forget alot of things. Especially most of last year...and maybe the last two years before that as well.

They're not mostly bad memories/things but to be honest, the memories that hurt us the most are the good ones. They let us remember the happy days gone by and makes you doubt whether or not you'll feel the same way again. Ever.

So I try to forget. I try to bury those memories down. I try not to remember them. They're keeping me awake at night. They're filling me with these emotions I'm not supposed to feel and I don't want to feel. They're making me wonder and doubt. They're making me feel I wasn't good enough...that I will never be good enough..ever again to anyone else.

It's...a bit hard to forget when there are so many things to remember you by. And I can't just look away as these are also the things I really like. All the movies, cartoons, tv shows, food....

It's a wonder I'm still sane....or sober....well, sober-ish....or even alive.

I'm not a strong person. I easily fall under the weight of these feelings and emotions. There are bad days. There have been alot of bad days. The good ones are few and inbetween.

But like I always do, I suppress these feelings and memories and emotions. I bottle it up and bury it deep and try to function like a normal human being. After all, I have a very sick granma to attend to.

It works sometimes. And some people can be easily fooled by wearing a mask to keep up the charade of progress.But it's not fool proof. Then again not much people have noticed.

I guess for some people it's easy for them to forget. To just continue on with their lives as if nothing happened. that those memories didn't mean a thing and worthless. Lucky them.

But I'm not like other people.

 I am not heartless.

......forgetting is a son of a bitch.

To be Honest.

Forgetting is a son of a bitch.

New Year

Happy New Year.

2013 finally over and a new year rolls in.

I still carry some baggage I received in 2013 but they're not as heavy.

This was the first new year we celebrated just by ourselves [me, my bro and my granma]. We just prepared food and ate and that's it. We didn't even make noise or shoot fireworks. But it's okay. I guess just surviving the year was more than enough.

I really don't do new year's resolutions but this year I promised myself and a few relatives that i'll be cutting down my weight. Which meant going back running again in the morning and going on a diet.

To be honest, I cannot like I used to because of my condition but for the past few days of the new year I was just walking. And the diet? UGH hardest thing to do...at least for me.

I'm not doing all these things just to look thin and great. I'm doing these things because it's what I should have been doing all along ever since I got out of the hospital a few years ago. It's a health thing...not a vain thing.

I was really hoping that this 2014, things will get better and be a bit different. Well, so far so good still it's not been a week yet and there has been already a few hiccups but it's still manageable. Despite that, I'm still hoping, wishing, dreaming that 2014 will be more kind to me [and of course to my family as well]. If you've been reading my past entries, 2013 was really such..well to say it in one word: heart-breaking.

But I'm still here, I'm still alive. Broken. Incomplete. Shaken. But alive.

So that means there are things still needed from me.

But it's just the whole mucking thru life trying to find meaning and purpose is really tiring. It would be a bit better if you have a little help in discovering what you're here for. Maybe this year, I can finally find my real purpose.

I'm a bit optimistic, which is not really my forte, but what else can I do but live..or at least try living.

So.

Happy 2014 to everyone!

Hopefully your lives have been better than mine.

Christmas.

I think by now people would like to believe that I will be all "Bah, Humbug!" this Christmas.

Well, that is partly true.

The previous blog post sort of explains why this Christmas won't be as ...enjoyable. But I love Christmas. At least I used to. Now it all just seems so commercialized and my love for Christmas has been fading each day.

When I was little, I used to hang out near our small Christmas tree at night and just bask in the glow of its lights. I also did inventory of my presents to see who got more and if i'll be getting clothes[LOL]. And even though I never got to spend any of it [but I knew my parents did spend it on me and my siblings for more important stuff], I did always get a little bit of money too.

One fond Christmas memory was this one gift given to us by Uncle. He always had a pretty creative way of wrapping our presents. This particular gift that he gave us one Xmas was pretty big. We were really wondering what it was. it was the size of a TV but it wasn't a TV as it wasn't heavy. When Christmas Eve came, it was the first thing we opened. To our surprise, the more we opened the present..the more it got smaller. From that one big box it whittled down to a small box no bigger than a wallet! At the time, my Uncle, Mom, Dad and Granma were watching and laughing on how we looked so confused. The gift was a game cartridge for our Family Computer. We weren't disappointed it wasn't a big gift. We actually had fun trying to figure it out and trying to open all the boxes.

One of the best Christmas gifts I got was a Dragonball Z action figure of Goku from my Dad. The DragonBall Z toys were just recently showing up in toy stores and the cartoons was being aired for the first time at the time. And even though Goku wasn't my favorite character, Goku was still hard to find since most kids AND parents only knew Goku at the time so he was a bit hard to find. So that meant my Dad really went toy hunting [something I got from him; something I do now] to be able to get me Goku. I still have him in a toy chest somewhere albeit missing his accessories.

Anyhoo.

Despite the good memories, Christmas nowadays isn't the same. Times have changed not only the people but the celebration itself.

Fewer and fewer families have been celebrating their noche buena complete as most jobs today [BPO's, etc.] make their employees work on Christmas but for a valid reason...more or less. You were one of the lucky ones if you managed to even get off days on one of the holidays [either Christmas or New year] and you were REALLY lucky if you managed to get off days on both.

Sure the 13th month pay and Xmas Bonuses are a VERY BIG plus when you're an employee but...it would've been nice if I managed to spend the past few christmases with loved ones. But I was lucky enough that even when I did had to work on Christmas day, I spent it with great and fun officemates/friends at the time. And sure Xmas Eve is important but people tend to forget that Christmas is a whole day and its a whole day to spend with people they love.

But as I mentioned, Christmas isn't as fun nowadays. Then again, when you know you'll be spending it by yourself...then I guess it won't be that fun at all.

The last fun Christmas I had was last years. My sister came home from Singapore, my Granma came over from Manila and my older bro and I didn't have work so we were more or less complete. With good food and good company, it was the best Christmas I've had in years.

This year...well, it's been a rough road getting here. There have been bright spots and I am very thankful for those bright spots and the people involved in it. But at the end of the day, as I lie in bed, I bury my face in my hands and let out a sigh. It has been really tiring.

Christmas this year won't have Noche Buena but I did get gifts [prolly the only gifts i'll get]. My sister will be coming home from Singapore and she will be celebrating Christmas at my Aunt's house in Bataan along with my Granma. I opted to stay at home and watch over the house and our dogs. My older bro will also be staying behind as he has work.

More or less, I will be spending Christmas online. Either watching some shows or just browsing. Taking sips from that bottle of Jack Daniels that i'll be buying soon.

Yay.

Christmas.

.

I'm not really sure what title to give this post..anyway..

As you have prolly read/seen, I haven't really been posting. If I did, it'll all about...well, you know.

The past few months has been literally a nightmare come true for me. But I'm trying to survive and move on. Keyword: Trying.

As if things weren't bad enough. My granma has gotten sick and it has everyone so worried.

My granma is one of my pillars of strength and since the other decided to leave, she's all I have left. My granma is always giving me hope and is always there for me. The way she encourages me to do the things I love and the way she supports me in whatever endeavor I do is few of the reasons why I treasure her. Now she's sick and I just wish that I could do more to help her. I just feel so helpless.

I don't have a future. At least not anymore. My future was all planned out before. But when the other left, it was gone. I was left with nothing. I don't see anything for me  in the future. I don't even want to think about a future without my granma. I do now that we can't stay here forever but I kind of hoped that when my granma is ready to go, she'll see me really happy and content with my life. I am hoping that she'll get to see me get married [or at least get a girlfriend that will stay] so that at least she knows I'm in good hands.

With all the weight I have on my shoulders, I already assumed that my December AND Christmas isn't going to be all...christmas-y.

I just plan to buy myself a bottle of Jack and spend Christmas alone as usual. Drinking it all away...as if that's my inevitable future, being alone and being drunk.

I mostly didn't expect the 1st of December to be really anything. I try not to get to worked up and just drink...like I always/will know do on ALL the 1st days of every month. Why? You know why.

Anyhoo, it was a surprise when two of my close friends were kind of bugging me to go to and meet-up with them. I was hesitant at first with my granma sick and all but when she needed medicine that was available in Manila then I took the chance to kill two birds with one stone.

My friends did say that they had something for me...a gift. They were even joking that it was a PS3. I really didn't want to believe it but hey, a free PS3 is an awesome gift to get. I tried not to think about it though.

When I did meet-up with them I told them about my plans and they were eager to help me and go around look for the meds. But they did insist first on giving me their gift.

It was wrapped well and was a bit heavy. It was small to be a PS3 though. I expected they saw my toy wishlist in Facebook and got me one or a few things there. But to my surprise, they got me a Nintendo 2DS..a brand new Nintendo 2DS along with the Animal Crossing game every 3DS player seems to be playing.

I tried so hard not to get too emotional and cry in public. I have never gotten any gift like that before. I never thought no one appreciated me or cared for me alot to get me something like a handheld gaming system...which costs alot.

I was a loss for words I really didn't expect such a gift...or even such kindness. These two friends of mine have been always there for me..moreso during the fall-out of my previous relationship...and they have always looked out for me. It was all too much I couldn't handle such kindness. I haven't seen any kind of  silver lining or anything good the past few months. But their gesture of friendship was too much to take. When I excused myself to go to the restroom, I got in a cubicle and I cried. I did try to tone it down but I cried. I never thought anyone would do so much for someone like me. Let alone the kind of attitude I've been having the past few months.

So I just cried till it stopped and I stood inside the cubicle for a few minutes trying to collect myself before heading out as if nothing happened. I never told them I cried. If they are reading this then now they know.

We did managed to find the meds my granma needed [thank god] and we found it on the first drugstore we went to. My friends attributed it on luck. I guess it was luck as I've been to alot of drugstores in Pamapnga and haven't found the meds needed.

We then just walked around and catch-up talking about alot of stuff. When we managed to visit a toy store, me and Wacks got free Gundam Age kits. he then attributed it to how lucky I was to day. A contrast on how I felt of the 1st of every month but with the way things were going, I was starting to believe him.

We then went around to look for a place to eat and I suggested to try the Bacon Chicken at Kenny Rogers. Ivy said that she and Wacks went to a Kennys and tried ordering one but they were told it would take an hour. I said that if that's the case, we can wait since we can talk and sit and rest.

When we got to a table, Wacks went and ordered. He came back with a smile on his face saying we got the bacon chicken and that it was lucky since it was the last one. I haven't been happy in a long time, and being happy on the 1st day of the a month has been unnatural for me the past few months but this was an exception.

My "luck" managed to run out when we failed to find an accessory needed to charge my 2DS so we all could link and play. But I thought that it was okay. Just having these two people care so much for someone like me is more than enough.

I'm not really sure when we will meet up again but hopefully it will be soon. Also I hope that in the future there will be a way for me to repay the kindness all my close friends have given me the past few months. Because I've been much of a total douche/jerk/whatever and they still stayed with me and never left. They never left even if I was at my worst and helped me face my problems.

I guess that I am a bit glad that even though all of my relationships failed, my relationships with my friends didn't. They were more understanding and more patient.  I guess I'm more successful in choosing friends than girlfriends.

Anyway, if this is how my December started. I do hope that it continues on. Lord knows I need days like that and of course, Lord knows I need friends like them.