30.

This wasn't how envisioned  how things will be when I turn 30.

I thought that i'd have a stable job at someplace nice. I thought i'd be married or engaged. I thought Wiya would still be there to cook me my 30th bday spaghetti.

But as it was made evident to me  months ago. Things change. People change. Everything changes.

~

Age is just a number.

I think that proves true for me since obviously I don't act my age. But it isn't an indicator that I'm not serious. I can be when needed...when I want to. But I'm just not that kind of guy.

Then again..being 30 makes you think.

That I am not that young anymore. And that most men in the family don't reach their late 40's [Dad died in his mid-30s and his brother, my uncle, died around his mid-40s].

Will I suffer the same fate?

~

I don't really know what's the next step for me now.

Sure, I have my options..both have their pros and cons. But I'm still at a loss.

These are the times when Wiya will talk me through what to do next. But she's gone.

Most of my loved people have either gone and /or left me.

That's how being 30 feels like to me.

Empty.

Wiya.

I'm not even sure how it came about but we have been calling her "Wiya" ever since we were small. It's a name that is a far cry from her real name "Trinidad".

But we called her so. And we will still keep calling her by that name till we too have passed.

~

I can't really recall my earliest memory of her but we did have a lot of fun and fond memories.

During summer break from grade school, she would go and tell us to make money by selling ice candy or pastillas. Of course she made all the ice candy and pastillas by herself. I tried helping but the chubby kid I was back then, I end up eating most of it.

We did make some money which we prolly spent on Jollibee [Wiya obviously added more money for that to be possible.

With that beginning, I sort of "branched out" and tried selling my NBA cards around my neighborhood. My uncle had a sign made so that I can hang it on our gate. It wasn't that much good a venture as most kids would want to trade but it was fine. Wiya was happy I was keeping myself busy like that.

~

I also remember that Wiya started my love for reading.

She was a very avid reader herself and had a ton of books and novels. Sometimes she comes home from her teaching job at Feati University with a plastic bag containing Tintin graphic novels and/or Archie comics. Me and my brother almost completed all of the Tintin books via Wiya.

When I got a bit older, Wiya and I would go to the local mall and hit up the nearby Booksale. She would go browse the Novels section while I perused the bargain comics bins. In fact, we did that at every Booksale we went to. Even up to the point before she got really sick. Whenever we went to a mall, we would go straight for Booksale or if it was a mall we havent been to then we'd go find if there was a Booksale in it.

I owe my love of reading to her. And reading has opened up new worlds for me and managed to broaden my horizons.

Going into a Booksale will never be the same again for me. I'll be always looking over the aisles and over the books and look for Wiya as she looked over what books to buy.

~

She also jump started my Music collection which in turn jump started my love for music.

It's true that my Dad introduced me and my siblings to music via The Beatles and that my Uncle [his brother] introduced me to a whole wide variety of genres. But it was Wiya who contributed to the small collection of cassettes I have.

My Dad and Uncle had a BIG music library ranging from Vinyl to Cassettes to CD's. So it was only naturally that I was jealous since my collection/library was at most just 4 cassettes. But Wiya changed that. Everytime we went to a mall [on weekends], she'd let me buy one or two cassettes. That really got me into alot of good music. This was around early to mid 90's.

~

When my Uncle died, I quit my job in Pampanga and moved back in with Wiya. My Uncle was the only family she had left as my Lolo and Dad years ago. So it was now my time to take care of her. But as it always would happen, she ended up taking care of me.

As the weeks went by, she prolly noticed how bored and unproductive I was. Wiya didn't want me to be so stagnant. She told me that I was young and that I should be going out there doing something. "What do you want to do?" she asked me.

At the time, digital photography was still just starting and as I browsed the web and read articles and marveled at the pictures, I told her that I wanted to get into photography. I was hesitant though since the gear was a bit costly. But she got me the gear and enrolled me to a photography class to boot.

I was glad that she did what she did. Photography has opened alot of doors and options for me during that time. I met alot of new people, made alot of new friends, went to alot of new places I thought I never could go, I took alot of great pictures. I don't shoot as much as before but I still loved taking pictures. Wiya always told me to have my shots printed and kept in an album. Unfortunately my hard drive crashed before I could do so. But seeing her happy and marveling at my shots even if they're crappy felt really, really good.

~

She also loved watching sitcoms.

She loved watching Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother and Glee. She utterly loved NCIS though. she'd watch it over and over.

We'd always go and talk about what happened next episode since I watch episodes more earlier than cable tv here airs them.

She usually watched them till she fell asleep.

We even got cable tv hooked up when we had her over when she got sick then we'd watch her shows.

~

A little more recently, I let her meet a girl which she absolutely adored. She treated this girl like a granddaughter and was always welcome at her house.

She then found out about the future plans me and the girl had and she was extremely happy and excited.

But things don't go as planned.

I was left alone with alot of questions in my head. It was really a bad time for me. But Wiya was there for me and comforted me. And like she told me before, she didn't want me to be so stagnant and unproductive. Moreso wallowing in depression and despair. So she told me to just continue with the future plans sans the girl. She would be more than happy to shoulder the expenses.

And with that, I started taking up Baking Classes from one of the best teachers/mentors around.

She was still staying in Manila at the time and I always made sure to ask my instructors if the baked goods we made would be still good enough to eat a few days after we made it so that Wiya can taste them. She managed to taste a few of them before she got really, really sick.

But a few days before she left us. I managed to tell her about my progress and how I'll be graduating soon. I noticed she tried blinking her eyes and she was moving her mouth or at least trying to as if she was trying to say something. I knew she heard me at the time and that she understood. I wish I could have heard how proud she was of me.

Recently, the whole class underwent TESDA certification and by hard work we all passed. It was nerve-wracking for me but I knew that somewhere Wiya was there guiding me along.

~

As you have prolly noticed, you might be thinking one thing. Wiya spoiled me. Well not only me but me and her siblings. I think that's a given since we were the only "direct" grandkids she had. And isn't it part of being a grandparent to spoil their grandkids?

Despite the fact that she spoiled me, she also raised me to not be a brat..a spoiled rotten brat. of course I grew up to be somehting else but at least it wasn't that something that Wiya didn't want me to be.

Also, Wiya supposrted me in everything that I did and wanted to do. And I do mean everything. No matter how far fetched or stupid it was. She was always there to back me up. She was always there to pick me up when I fell. She was always there to comfort me when I was down. The point is, she was always there for me.

Now...she's gone.

It was all too fast.

I didn't even get to say a proper goodbye.
I didn't even get to apologize for my faults.
I didn't get to say that I love her very much.

I miss her. Alot. Her smile. Her laugh. How she suddenly just sings out of nowhere. How she playfully says "And sooo..".

The house feels so empty. I feel so empty.

But I am comforted by the fact that she's in a way better place than I am now. And that she's finally resting and without pain. And that she is now with Lolo, Dad and Uncle along with ALOT of our old dogs.

Wherever you are Wiya. Please continue to be there for me. I am getting older myself and I need guidance now more than ever. Feel free to visit me or my dreams at any time. i am open to talking with you and catching up.

I'll be with you soon enough.

Valentines.

It gives me an excuse to drink.

Happy Valentines Day to everyone else then. Me and Allan sincerely hope you are enjoying today happily.

The Catastrophic History of You & Me.

It was a very good read.

If you've had you're heart broken, then you can connect with the story...or the character's feelings.

Either way it's an enjoyable trip of all those feelings/emotions you have when someone you hold dear decides to just go.

But it also teaches that everything...and everyone has their reasons for doing things...whether or not they tell you ..or not.

EDIT:

Some quotes I liked in the book.

~ “my heart didn't fail, someone failed my heart.”

~ “Turns out, hell's not so much a burning, scalding pit of fire and misery. It's actually much, much worse than that. Hell is when the people you love the most reach right into your soul and rip it out of you. And they do it because they can.”

~ “The problem is, there is absolutely nothing "fun" about falling in love. Nope. Mostly it just makes you feel sick and crazy and anxious and nervous that it's going to end miserably and ruin your whole life. And guess what: Then it does.”

~ “Sometimes, remembering hurts too much.”

~ “But the sort of sucky thing is, time doesn’t necessarily heal all wounds. Sometimes, it just makes the wounds worse.”

~ “All of a sudden I felt invisible. Forgotten. Like the universe had played a really mean practical joke on me, even though I've never done anything to deserve it.”

~ “You did love me,' I whispered. 'Just not the same way I loved you.'

Failure.

I have been seeing how my beautiful granma deteriorates with each passing day and it pains me on how I can do nothing but watch.

It makes me feel like such a failure.

As I sit alone in my room..My mind goes blank and is suddenly filled with thoughts and feelings...I am reminded how much of a failure I have been.

I failed to get into schools that my parents and family wanted on two occasions. [Highschool and College]

I have failed to live to the expectations my parents have of me.

I have failed numerous people..friends, relatives ...be it broken promises or lies or just me being such an asshole.

I have failed to stick to the diet I was given to help me with my condition..

..and I have also failed to drink my maintenance meds..in fact there were months where I didn't drink any of them at all.

I have failed in finding any kind of regularity in terms of occupation.

I have failed in saving and maintaining the only good relationship I've had.

I am so close to failing and breaking my "I don't smoke anymore" promise.

Everything that has been happening has been out of my hands lately. It's so uncontrollable. The only thing I can do is just sit and watch. Grin and bear it.

Nothing makes sense.

Even dulling my senses with a drink doesn't help anymore. I guess I am also a failure at that as well.

Cancer.

Last year my granma was diagnosed with liver cancer.

She did not want chemo or laser[?] surgery so we opted for the oral med intake of what was supposed to be a "miracle drug but still a case-to-case basis" program.

My granma was one of those cases where it didn't work.

She is a sweet old woman. Ever since we were kids she has been there taking care of me and my siblings. She spoiled us alot... but that's what granparents do. We have always been grateful and appreciative of her.

That didn't change even when we all grew up. While my other siblings were set and focused on their life/future. I was still kind of wandering about..figuring out stuff. My granma was there to guide and support me. She was there to back me on most if not all of my ideas no matter how crazy it seemed. Because all she wanted was to see me happy. And with someone like that supporting me, how could I not be happy?

She was also there when I was at my lowest. First when I got really sick and got diagnosed with cardio myopathy. She always pestered me to drink my maintenance meds and always "controlled" my eating. And then, much recently [before she got diagnosed with cancer], when I told her that my ex had left me. It kind of hit her hard too. I mean my granma liked her alot. She thought she was perfect. When I told her, she just told me this: "I know you. Learn to forgive and forget. Sometimes that's just the way things are in life. It may not mean anything right now but maybe in the future it'll all make sense. I don't want to see you sad. Just go out and be happy."

Now, I cannot comprehend how this sweet kind old woman in her twilight years could have cancer.

She can barely walk and talk. There are times she almost doesn't eat. Her body has deteriorated and she looks like a shell of her former self.

The worse thing is that feeling of being so helpless. That you really can't do anything more to really help her. There have been times where I prayed and begged to have her sickness transferred to me. I don't know if I could handle it but all I know and all I want is to not see my granma this way. But of course it doesn't happen.

It's hard for me to see my last pillar of strength in such a condition. I wish I could do more. I wish that I could just take away the pain...the cancer.

It's just not fair.

Remember to Forget

The last post was meant to be...a bit longer than what it was but it felt like that one line explained it all.

Trying to forget something is a bit of a pain in the ass. Because there are times that you want to forget stuff but can't and there are times that you want to forget stuff but won't.

To the curious...or to those who didn't get it or to those who haven't really read the blog recently. I have been trying to forget alot of things. Especially most of last year...and maybe the last two years before that as well.

They're not mostly bad memories/things but to be honest, the memories that hurt us the most are the good ones. They let us remember the happy days gone by and makes you doubt whether or not you'll feel the same way again. Ever.

So I try to forget. I try to bury those memories down. I try not to remember them. They're keeping me awake at night. They're filling me with these emotions I'm not supposed to feel and I don't want to feel. They're making me wonder and doubt. They're making me feel I wasn't good enough...that I will never be good enough..ever again to anyone else.

It's...a bit hard to forget when there are so many things to remember you by. And I can't just look away as these are also the things I really like. All the movies, cartoons, tv shows, food....

It's a wonder I'm still sane....or sober....well, sober-ish....or even alive.

I'm not a strong person. I easily fall under the weight of these feelings and emotions. There are bad days. There have been alot of bad days. The good ones are few and inbetween.

But like I always do, I suppress these feelings and memories and emotions. I bottle it up and bury it deep and try to function like a normal human being. After all, I have a very sick granma to attend to.

It works sometimes. And some people can be easily fooled by wearing a mask to keep up the charade of progress.But it's not fool proof. Then again not much people have noticed.

I guess for some people it's easy for them to forget. To just continue on with their lives as if nothing happened. that those memories didn't mean a thing and worthless. Lucky them.

But I'm not like other people.

 I am not heartless.

......forgetting is a son of a bitch.