Ghosts

 Last night, I had another dream that had my exgf (the one thats in AU). TBH shes the only ex that shows up in my dreams. Im not really sure why. Its prolly my subconcious telling me something. We were in correspondence a few years ago. Nothing serious, just conversations you'd make between friends. ive made peace that what happened between us just happened. Things wouldnt have changed anyway so its an "it is what it is" kind of thing. She eventually stopped reaching out and replying so I also did. I expected it anyway and id rather not shoehorn myself in their life that I wasnt supposed to be a part of, I just hope she's doing okay,

Altho..I do still talk to her in some sort of way but its also not her...sort of. Its just a ghost of her. Not a literal ghost mind you. Its not as much of an actual ghost even but just memories of the person that still linger. I feel like most people have these kinds of ghosts.

Ive had alot of talks with her ghost since the breakup years ago. It started with just asking it why. Of course it couldnt answer. Its just a memory of her from what she was during our time together. It wouldnt have any idea of what her current self is thinking or why she did what she did. I still kept asking until I stopped. Her ghost wasnt a constant phenomenon. It usual appears when I suddenly remember things about her, about us. Something will trigger it, like a song or a place or food. Sometime I would catch myself saying "she wouldve loved this.". I shrug it off and and just smile.

We all have a ghost of someone lingering around. Its not always a bad thing.

bump

im still alive. im still here. hooray i guess. posting again to no one and nobody. this is prolly the only kind of therapy ill ever have, if you even call this kind of thing therapy, and god knows i prolly do need professional help.

the thing is, i never got back to whatever myself was. ive been just on autopilot.

i wish there was something more optimistic to write about. well....at least i havent been admitted to the hospital in awhile and my health has been fine. ah well except for being diabetic now but thats ....under control i guess.

to be honest, there are a few things id like to write about or stuff i was thinking of writing but im not as enthusiastic to write as i did before.

im not sure when ill drop by again.

thank you for absorbing and putting down my thoughts you blank white void. 

40

 i never thought that i'd reach this age but here i am. nothing much has changed tho, just my age. since me and my older brothers' bdays are just a day apart, we kinda usually just celebrated at the same time. so at least im assured of cake and spaghetti and some sort of celebration. adult birthdays isnt really that much fun and the gifts are non existent. i guess being able to celebrate is the gift.

when i was a kid, i thought that id be like my dad when i grew up. working, married with kids, living in a house of my own. little did i know how things'll actually turn out.

mostly its my fault though. i just ran out of drive and motivation to..well do almost anything. ive given no more thoughts to any kind of dreams and ambitions as from what ive experienced, things dont really work out as planned despite doing everything that you can to make it so. things change as ive been told. the only thing thats ever constant in this world is change is also something ive read about. its just that mostly for my part, things changed not for the better. im just tired. im tired of doing things that will just be another waste of time, another heartache, another disappointment, another reason for me to go into dark thoughts again. 

 i know understand when i was told that i wasnt in their future because i dont even see my own future infront of me. just living...well more of just existing day to day. i dont think things will change much now that ive reach 40.

40 years seemed to just pass by fast. i had a anxiety attack thinking about how things will be 40 years from now. will i even reach 80? if i do, what will be next other than death? whats next after that? it was one of the few times i thought about fearong of dying..on how ill miss alot of stuff..on how i wont be seeing whats next for most of the things that i love. i tried hard to dismiss those thoughts as it was taking its toll on me and it wasnt hood for my heart and its condition.

im not really sure and dont really know what comes next.

i just want to be happy.

once again.

 its almost been more than a month since i got discharged from a weeks stay in the hospital. i wasnt feeling well leading up to my birthday. i thought it was just a simple cold that i could just easily take care of but it got worse. thankfully (or not?), it wasnt covid but rather my heart condition failing again.

when i met with my new cardio, she immediately sensed (and saw) what was wrong and didnt like how i looked. she then told me and my older brother that she would want me to be admitted in the hospital asap as she said in her own words, "were looking at heart failure that could lead to a stroke".

my heart rate was fast and i could feel it and my breathing was labored. more or less the same symptoms i had when i first got sick. and here i thought i was on the mend.

it was actually a few months prior when my 2d echo scans were all normal and pretty great as per a cardio (a new one but not the newest one). my mum always wanted a 2nd opinion from another cardio with regards to my heart condition and we managed to finally get one but thats when the problem started. i did explain as properly as i could regarding what happened to me but i guess when he saw my results, he deemed i was pretty much fine and said that i could stop taking my maintenance meds. i was dumbfounded at first. i asked hime more than twice if he was sure and if it was okay to do so. i even asked if do i just stop asap or just until the meds i had were gone but he said i could just top taking them now. tbh i was happy with my results and also happy not to take meds anymore but part of me was worried.

i mad sure that i stayed healthy or at least as healthy i think that i could get since i still couldnt believe that it was fine to not take meds anymore. well everything was actually doing fine until it wasnt and i relapsed. as much as i dont want to point fingers and blame, i felt like if i hadnt stopped taking my meds, things wouldnt have gone the way they did. that if if we just stuck to the plan and didnt get a second opinion, i would be getting even better and not back to almost zero.

that week at the hospital was bad. i couldnt have visitors as they'd have to get tested for covid everytime they would visit, then again no one even bothered to try to visit anyway. i was also alone for most of the time as my older bro had to work and also feed our dogs at home so he cant watch over me. i did have my phone and an internet connection but it was still so lonely. 

i was happy that my newest cardio was more knowledgeable and friendly. you could really feel that she was concerned and that she really wanted me better. she didnt want me to stay long at the hospital mostly because of the expenses especially since i was feeling better but she wanted to make sure ill be okay enough to leave. after a few tests, she gave the ok signal for me to go home exactly a week later and me and my older bro have been seeing her for my checkups monthly. 

im on the mend so far but i know im still not 100% and im not really sure when will i be. at bets, i want things to go back to when i was well and had little meds to drink (currently, theyre 16 and prior, they were just 4).

i was already feeling down because i got excited for my birthday for nothing and then i got sick again. i guess that just how it is because thats how its been for me.

Family Reunion

 Mum and my younger siblings are actually on their way back home to the US at the time of this writing. Their trip here lasted almost a month. There were days that went by so slow but there were also days were things were happening so fast. It still feels like the time each other was too short.

The whole thing was just a little dream we all talked about a couple of years ago. They went here for vacation in 2019, before covid hit so we were all lucky. I guess we all wanted a vacation during the whole lockdown "era". It started with a few ideas between my Mum and Younger sister. My older brother would chime in once in awhile. It was fun to be able to think of places to go. A trip to japan was also being thrown around with each of us just going and meeting up there since it was made clear that getting a US visa was going to be hard AND pricey. I didn't really think that it would push through but things happened and suddenly the whole trip seemed so viable. I think it was around the start of 2021 when things got real and things sort of got finalized and then Mum started asking us (the older siblings) if there were things we wanted which theyll bring. After a seemingly long time, arrival dates were given and all we had to do was wait.

Me and my older bro had a month to finalize things at home which was basically general cleaning and who sleeps in what room. It was totally a chore but we managed to do it. At the time, I still couldnt believe that from years to months, to weeks and then it was only days before we see the rest of the family again. I was pretty much excited as everyone else.

My younger sister arrived two weeks before Mum and the younger siblings but stayed with the in-laws for those two weeks. They then came home on the day Mum and the rest also arrived. Coincidentally, the arrival date from 2019 was also the same for this year.

From there we went everywhere we can. We had planned alot of trips that we were able to squeeze in. I'm thankful I was free (the shop is still closed at this moment) for this because the last time, I couldnt go to some of the trips due to work and I regretted it. I tried to go to all the trips this time around. We had a few misadventures along the way but it was still good. I regret not being able to properly bond and talk to Mum and my younger siblings and that some of the things I wanted to do with my younger siblings (like a drinking session) didnt really fall through. I did what I can though and I hope that that was enough.

I thought about how were lucky to be able to have this during these times. It was hard enough with the pandemic but being able to have the family all together again was something what we all needed.

The house was full and alive during these past few weeks but...now that everyone's gone back. It feels so quiet and empty. That empty feeling was also heavy within me. Even if it was a short time, it was pretty hard be home with just me and my older bro again. This time around was more hard for me. Ive been a bit emotional during the whole pandemic and ..the "separation anxiety" just added to things and..its pretty hard when youve got no one to talk to about it. Theres nothing I can do about it as it has been like this for awhile. I let things be and try to cope. 

I do hope Mum and the sibs got to enjoy their trip this time. Hope they would be able to return again when they can.

The New Year post

 So...2021 was more or less the same as 2020. The pandemic was still here but was finally able to get vaccinated and felt safe until another variant came and booster shots were needed. Things have already been bad and it felt like the worse is coming. I mean I havent even talked about how much of a shitty clown show the upcoming elections for my country is having.

2021 also had its fair share of surprises. I think the most surprising one was being able to sort of reconnect with someone I never thought I'd hear from again. For a time, I thought I'd be getting a bit of closure but eventually I realized that wasn't the case. I also realized that it won't matter because its been years and it won't feel that genuine. It'll be like just saying it for the sake of just saying it. I was surprised that I was the sort of...told to say what I wanted to say, I mean I thought Ive already did that with all the posts about it here. I still said my piece and I feel that that'll be the last time I'll hear from her ever again and that's fine and that's okay.

I'm pretty much relieved that nothing big happened to me healthwise this year. There wasn't a hospital trip or any scares especially with covid running rampant. I had/have a big fear of prolly getting it because that's how my luck usually goes. I hope that continues to be the case for the new year. I also hope that I didn't just jinx it lol

I can't say the same mentally though. It's been getting harder and harder to get up in the morning. When the shop was still open, I at least had a reason to push myself off and get up. Lately, I'd just rather stay in bed the whole day. The bed just sinks me in deeper and deeper. I dunno if this is part of an underlying issue or not. I've also been crying alot at little things lately. If something tugs at my heartstrings then the waterworks come out. Be it from an anime, western show, a movie, or a manga. I mean I've always been easy to get teary-eyed buts just more prevalent lately. Well..

Anyhoo, we managed to open the shop again albeit just for 9 months and 3 days a week. The covid restrictions made it hard for the shop to function like it was before but that just wasn't the only thing. We moved one floor up to a much smaller place than before and there wasn't a kitchen so we couldn't generate additional income. The product restock was slower than usual and that left me dumbfounded then again there wasn't much income being generated so it was hard to just dish out money that didn't come out form the shops income. We closed indefinitely until face to face will be viable again just after 9 months of being open. Sad that it wasn't possible to just stretch it out a little bit until the end of the year (no xmas bonus lol). It it what it is. I'm still trying to figure out what not do next but im totally clueless. I do have a few things in mind but...I dunno, it's just hard to put into action with how the state of everything is.

Things weren't all bad. I was still lucky enough to have people, friends still being there for me despite everything. I do feel guilty receiving alot from them and not be able to give back for their generosity and such, I do hope i am able to someday. Vtubers have also been part of my daily life. I am thankful for their existence as my loneliness and boredom disappears when I watch them. 

I don't know what this year will be like for me. I do hope that it'll be more better.

I'm not really sure who has been reading/viewing my posts but I do appreciate it. I'm happy that people has spent their precious time reading my nonsensical ramblings. Thank you.

Happy New Year!

The Christmas post.

 Celebrating Christmas...the Christmas celebration, is waaaaaaay different when you're older.

You didn't have to worry about a thing when you were a kid during Christmas. You just had to wait until it was time to eat and open your gifts. Well, the only thing I was worried about was getting clothes and the like as presents. That changed because I'd be happy to get anything at all as a Christmas gift nowadays.

You never really see whats behind the scenes of all the Christmas prep being done as a kid but as you grow older, you get to see a little bit of that slowly but surely. Until you yourself is part of it for awhile....until you're just too tired to do anything so you just order food and stuff.

Christmas for me has become sad as it has just become any other day. Maybe its because  its just me and my older brother at home. Maybe its because "the spirit" isn't there anymore.

Altho I'm still lucky as I get to celebrate it still because im still here despite of everything. That a few of my friends still find time to greet and and even give me presents even if I can't give any presents back.

If the rest of the family was here or me and my bro went to visit relatives then I would prolly have my festive Christmas mood on. 

But as it is now, i'd just eat and greet a few people when the clock strikes twelve and move along.

I wish anyone who's sti8ll here reading this a very Merry Christmas to you and your family. Thank you for finding the time to read this. I wholly appreciate it.

Now what?

 I'm 37 and most people my age (or younger) are already married, maybe have their own house. They're prolly thinking of having kids or already have them. In short, they all have their futures planned.

I was somewhat the the same a few years back but I learned that not all things happen as planned and things can change in an instant. It hit me hard when I was told that I wasn't in their future despite they being in mine.

Funny thing.

It also didn't happen just that once tho.

I tried again but things turned out mostly the same.

Since I was thinking of the future with them, I made future plans that revolved with them. When I was left behind, those plans just vanished and I really couldn't do it on my own. I guess I prolly could but I was so distraught at both times that it didn't matter.

Now, I don't have any desire for the future. I don't have any plans at all. I've been unmotivated because anytime I try to think up of something, it ,just doesn't work out and I've been just so disillusioned of it all. I've been so tired and drained of everything.

I'll be fine just being able to have a job and to be able to have good health. If I'll be happy as well then that's a good bonus. I don't have the motivation to aim for anything else or something higher.

I've just been so jaded of it all. The current pandemic hasn't helped either.

That's why when I was asked "how do you see yourself 10.. 5 years from now?" a year ago, I just laughed and said, "alive".

The future or lack thereof.

When I was young, all I thought about for the future was that I wanted to be a soldier. At the time I always played with toy soldiers and GI Joes (well the few ones I had) so those prolly influenced me. It changed to being a police officer but that was even before highschool. Other than those, I never really thought about the future. I think the time I really started thinking about the future was when we moved to the province from the city. It was a pretty big move for the family because weve only moved once and we were still in the city near our grandparents (from my fathers side). Being in a new environment made me think of what to so and what'll happen next. There has been alot personal stuff that has been happening as well at the time and I also feel like this was also the time that I first felt depressed.

During the last few years of highschool, I wasnt sure of what course to take for college until I just settled on psychology because they didnt have alot of Math and because of my view of psychologists and therapists in movies and show. Helping people out to deal with their issues and problems felt like its for me since I was helping people out alot. I didnt even think about the future jobs I wanted as a kid. I didnt think I would make it and I just didnt feel like it.

During my college years, it ahs been apparent that I wont prolly wont be doing the work of those ive seen on the media. My country at the time didnt prioritize mental health and didnt have much jobs for my course when I graduate. Years later, in hindsight, I should have prolly went with another course most likely to have been a better fit for me (maybe?) which was MassCom.

The first few years of work that I did wasnt really fun or felt like it was for me (a little bit of secretarial work, photography, and then in the BPO industry). It felt more like, I need the work because I need to work now. I did manage to land a job that was a dream job I wanted butthe first one wasnt really that good. The job was being a Game Community Mod/ or a GM. Prolly anyone who has played online games dreamt of  being one. I kinda did and landing a dream job was supposed to be awesome but the first one wasnt. It kinda felt like a chore and tbh the account I was in had a game that wasnt that good and not that interesting to me. The management was also bad. At first I was happy because I had a close friend who was also working there (in fact, she told me about the job) but when she left, it all went downhill. I left just before the company closed down. I tried so hard to look for the same kind of work because it was fun and I wanted to find a workplace that was fun while working too. It didnt take long(ish) until I found a workplace where it felt like it wasnt work. I got really lucky. Also at the time I was with someone and tbh I was more into the work that the relationship (bad I know) that I sometimes forget to communicate and talk to my significant other. I was also lucky that she stayed with me despite of me being myself. It was also around that time that I actually thought of the future (with her). I mean if someone was willing to be with me through all of the tings then yknow, you get to start thinking and stuff. Needless to say, there were alot of plans and stuff that were thought out..maybe. I even went to baking class because I felt like I didnt want to be a burden and that i'd be able to help out more if I also knew how to bake. But alas it wasnt meant to be.

That and the death of my granmum really took a toll on me. Also my health wasnt that great at the time as well. All of the future plans were gone and I had no fall back at all. It took awhile before I got back on my feet being able to work again in a dream job I thought I could have which was working at/for a figure hobby shop. I also manage to get involved again with someone. With things seemingly going fine, I started thinking about the future again. I was at an age where I should be settling down and it felt like I wouldve but well..again, shit just happens yknow.

I got left behind again by the shop (it pulled out the bramch I was working in and wanted to just have the one a city away) and the girl (she cheated on me).

It seemed to me like everytime I thought about the future and tried planning for it, things seem to happen. So I stopped.

I just take it day to day now. I really dont see any future for me as ive experienced, things tend to change alot that it wont happen anyway.

Ive already worked my dream jobs (that also concerned my hobbies). I am still employed in a dream job as well (still hobbies) but with the current pandemic...well. 

I'll be 40 in a few years. I dont really know what future is there for me. Also, I dont feel like id be able to find someone to stay long enough.... rather ive given up hope on that end.

When I was asked by someone about how I see myself in 5..or 10 years...I replied with just, "ALIVE". ....and well hopefully happy too.

37

 I turned 37 this year and I still doesnt feel like I am. I still feela nd act like im 25..or 27..at least younger than I am. Im not really sure if its a good or bad thing.

A few nights after my birthday, I experienced what was a pretty strong anxiety attack. Prolly the strongest one ive had. I was having trouble sleeping because as usual my brain goes on and on with random thoughts and then it got to a point where I couldnt believe that its been 37 years. I thought that it was pretty unbelievable, like thinking that I was just 20 years old just some time ago. Thats when it went wrong. If the years go fast like that, I thought that ill be 40 in no time (in 3 years)...and if 20 years can go fast, ill be 60 wherein im not even sure if ill reach 60. I had doubts if ill even reach a day over 50. I had an extreme sense of FOMO when I thought that ill be dying. Ill be missing out on alot of stuff. New games, movies, anime, manga..alot of experiences. By then, my chest hurt and it began to be hard to breathe while my mind is still swirling with those thoughts. It felt like a nightmare I couldnt wake up from. Maybe it was sleep paralysis. I feel asleep somewhere along the way and such but I was awake...but thats basically what sleep paralysis is. I tried to slow down my breathing as best I could. Closed my eyes and tried to empty it and relax.

I havent had a night like that since but sleepless nights is still aplenty.

~

I dont know if I mentioned it before but ive mostly given up on certain things in life. Reaching 37 made it more clear. The pandemic hasnt been much of help too.

Damaged goods. Thats how I see myself. Like a broken clock thats only right twice a day.

The pandemic only made the loneliness worse. I doubt itll get better. It feels like its hopeless now. That I need to learn to be really alone until I die. Who'd want damaged goods right?

~

Things just hasnt been going well.

I admit that there has been small victories here and there but its been getting too far inbetween and it feels like its just going to go away.

~

37

growing old sucks. growing old by yourself sucks even more but thats just how it is.

ber ramblings

 So its October and things are more likely to get worse than better...unless we get a proper vaccine some day. Im not hoping itll be by the end of the year as it might not be possible unfortunately.

Ive been stuck ay home since March (16) when the government started the lockdowns. I did manage to go out less than five times, all with my older brother and we went out mostly for groceries and once for a haircut. Ive been at home for so long and it feels like its getting to me. I mean, I have already had these things, the anxiety pre-covid and its just getting worse.

Ive been thankful for a couple of friends who have been there for me and kept me sane/busy. Earlier this year, I was gifted a PS4 by one of those friends and til now I feel like I didnt deserve it but I was extremely grateful as it has also helped in distracting myself from things.

Im not sure when will this end but I hope itll be soon. I want to return to normal and get back to work plus itll be good for my sanity. Sure, im used to it as there have been times that ive just stayed home for a long duration of time but id rather not have it right now. I mean, in a few years, ill be 40 and I havent done anything at all. If I have been living on my own, I wouldve not have survived. Not the Covid and not life especially.

In all honesty, im tired and have given up. I dont have any specific goals and dreams anymore. Im fine with just surviving. As long as im not inconvenienced and things dont suck, ill be fine with it. I did used to have plans and stuff but yknow, not all of those cam into fruition and it seemed like bad luck. To be honest, I feel like its my fault how things got this way I guess? Maybe karma? 

Well, thats just how it is. It is what it is, nothing I can do about it.

A proper and longer update..I guess?

 Well, its been awhile. Even though it's been at least two years since I last posted, things has been more of the same to be honest.

Welcome back

I always had a lot of things in my mind that I wanted to post here but every time I do, it just doesnt come out the way I wanted it.  I cant properly convey it so most of the time, itll be just drafts. I actually made a page on facebook page too convey my thoughts and feelings as of late. I havent shared it on my profile tho or asked people to like it. Its just mainly a place to vent out anyways. Id be surprised if someone I know would find it.

Busy busy busy.

I managed to find work..or rather it found me. A week after "leaving" the old figure hobby shop, the manager of the place where we were taking space in contacted and asked if I could come in and help manage the place in his stead (he will be accepting a job his friend offered). To be honest, I was patiently waiting for him to contact me as we had talked about it in a way a few months prior. I was pretty happy and relieved when I got word. I mean, after a week, I was beginning to worry. After meeting up, we talked about alot of things shop related and unlike previously, I was given the proper title of store manager and it was surreal to me at first. I didnt expect that i'd become a manager of anything at all... ever. It was a bit daunting at first but it wasnt really different from the last job. I got the hang of things as days went by..well eventually. I mean, Im still a bit of a klutz sometimes but the owner and shop regulars were there to help out which was a blessing. There were slow days but there were days were the shop was packed with people that I had to take in multiple responsibilities all at once which was tiring but I always find it nice that the shop was full of people enjoying themselves.

Ive also met alot of new people mostly thru customer relations via board or card game. There was this kid (his name was RJ) that visited with his mom or dad or aunt  (along with his yaya and driver) to play Magic the Gathering or join in one of the regular D&D sessions that was there at the time. He was an only child and since his parents were busy (both were doctors) he cant really frequent the shop much by himself. I usually drop what Im doing to play with him when he visits but I "delegate" some of the regulars to play with him and hangout with him when its really busy..plus he gets more friends that way.

Its a mixture of good, bad, and dull days ...there are even times that all those happen in just a day!  But thats fine as its par for the course. Things have been going well until the pandemic happened.

Stranger Days

Before the first lockdown was implemented in the city where I lived, the shop had its first customer run MtG tournament and prolly its last tournament in awhile. I joined in but didnt break through the Top 10 (which was fine) but I got awesome consolation prizes. We (me and the owner) planed to follow the lockdown and wanted to open a bit early than the lockdown expiry but things just happened one thing after another and snowballed from there. We have been closed since that day (March 15) and it doesnt seem like we'll be able to open soon as gatherings has been banned which is sad because people coming and gathering to hangout and play is the lifeblood of the shop. Altho its perfectly understandable as its all part to flatten the curve and keep everyone safe and healthy.

I havent really gotten the chance to go out on my own but I couldnt if I want to as transportation has seemingly grinded to a halt where I live plus with all the passes and rules thats been mandated. Plus I am also immunocompromised as well. Ive gone out with my older brother twice though. Both for grocery shopping which I missed doing so much). I also got a haircut during once of those times. 

I dont mind staying home much as long as theres internet. I was also gifted a PS4 at the start of the year and it has certainly help with easing my morale and boredom. These times are certainly different because before, when I got bored, I was able to go out and hangout with my friends of just go somewhere. During these times, its pretty much hard to do so and that intensifies the feeling of lonesomeness a bit and Ive gotten pretty lonely at times but theres nothing I can do about it unfortunately. Im also afraid of going out because I am afraid that I might catch it and I have a feeling that if I did, it'll suck so bad.

There have been a few surprises here and there during the past few months but for me, it was receiving an email from someone unexpected. It was also a weird coincidence because she was in my dreams the night before and I havent seen her in my dreams in a long while too.  The email just mentioned that shes read it and I asked for clarification and it seems that shes read and has been reading everything since. That comes as a surprise as I thought that she just read them on a whim or she was bored (altho she did mention reading them because she couldnt sleep). I didnt really think that she'd be in contact with me ever again. Im still wondering whether or not what she read had any weight or was there need to talk about them but I also realized that it was all in the past and it wont change a thing. I dont really mind talking to her again. Rather it was nice being able to after all this time. Ive talked about this to my closest friends (all 3 of them lol) and its got them rather worried. I understand their concern and I told them it wasnt anything to worry about. Nothing has changed except that were exchanging replies once in awhile. Im fine with that. I dunno if shes going to keep reading, I dont mind if she does. Its boring content anyways lol

To be honest, I didnt think this whole was going to last this long. Im seriously disappointed as to how my government have and is currently handling this crisis. It has also been infuriating how they (gov't.) is keen to focus on other issues. Im sure im not alone on this and I do hope that the people remember these feelings when the voting season comes along. I know I will.

Lost and Found. 2018.

last year can be just be basically summed up by two words, lost and found.

there are some things i have lost but there are also some things i have found. altho if i would compare between losses and gains, the losses are a bit heavier and impactful.

losing people is not new to me but that doesnt mean that it doesnt hurt or doesnt have any effect on me. if they didnt mean anything to me then it prolly wouldnt but thats not the case. however, i cant stop them from leaving or maybe realizing that im not really worth it. no matter how you plead or beg for them to stay, people will leave if and when they want to.  ill just let them go and say,   thank you for coming by, i guess. i hope my presence in your life meant something and all i did for you wasnt in vain.

it wasnt a surprise to also lose one more thing significant last year. despite working hard and mostly pro-bono, it was inevitable. i did kinda see it happening sooner or later so it wasnt much of a shock. it still affected me in a way. but as with people, things just move on and i just have outlived my usefulness.

its just all the same feeling when people and work just dont need you anymore. how they tell it to you changes or i guess softens the blow abit so rather than just feeling like a discarded..."thing"..you would just feel like you were useful at some point and thats it, just a single-serving is enough.

things werent all that bad tho. somewhere along the road,  i found a new opportunity to prove myself and found new people as well. i am so much thankful for it. it just came at the right time because i was in danger of regressing and just give up on everything again. it was starting to feel like how things were a few years ago and it was just something i didnt want to go back to..but it was inevitable with the circumstances. i am thankful that it was all averted.i dont think ill be able to come out if things didnt go well.

so after all of that..im still here and i survived.

im not pretty sure how to feel about this new year. my happiness just comes in spurts. its day-to-day at best. its never that permanent. so "just being happy" wont just work when im not quite "actually" "happy ". i know that it'll be another year of being lost and being found, of losing and gaining. well, there still a long ways to go for this year. im ready to take it all.

EDIT:

im sorry i forgot to include this but im thankful to those who stayed with me thru the year to this one. knowing that im a stubborn, difficult, idiotic, gullible person and still wanted be around someone like that or associated with someone like that..that was just a few of the good things i had last year. thank you.

Pressure

im at an age where most people have at least some semblance of stability. a job, maybe a house or at least a place to call home..maybe even a family or at least starting one. i look around and see people my age having those. even some people younger than me already have some of the things.

i see those people..some my friends..and im a bit jealous of course. altho, i do have a job and a place to call home so thats somewhat something stable. i cant shake the feeling that im being left behind.

its a kind of pressure you dont feel alot but when it hits..it feels like youre drowning in it.

am i living up to my potential? do i even have potential? am i just settling? is this all what its going to be?

holding pattern.

i picked myself up and put myself back together. it wasnt good as new but it was good enough.

unfortunately, on what i thought was supposed to be a good birth month, life threw me a curve ball. it hit me square in the center and shattered me and broke me in pieces. it took awhile to build myself back up from that and honestly, i wasnt the same despite how i looked on the outside.

things were going well, sure there were a few hiccups here and there, but its a process so it wasnt too much of surprise. but suddenly, as if right on cue, shit hit the fan.the owner of the hobby shop where i spent almost 4 years with,  decided to let go of the branch i work in.

to be honest, this has been a long time coming. what happened was nothing but simple mismanagement..as if its ever that simple.

again, i was hit right at the center and was shattered in a million pieces. right now, i just feel so discouraged and down.

a few of my friends see alot of things for me and its not that i dont see the opportunities, i see them as well, but im just too demotivated to do anything.

i loved being in the hobby business. i wish i could start my own but that needs money that i dont have. in order to get money, i need a job.

i dont know. maybe i need to be away for awhile.

the cycle repeats.

its been awhile and its been getting hard to transfer my thoughts into words because theres alot of them waiting and wanting to be written.

life hasnt been nice this time around since the last post i made less than a year ago. healthwise, im fine. ive been taking my meds and i guess my diet is okay despite my weight going up and down. hopefully it gets to stay down. as for my relationship, well its done. i found out she was cheating on me and that was pretty much that.

so it feels like im back to square one just like i was two years ago.

there are times when things get bad, i just go and sob and cry. i cant stop it. i try my hard not to feel like this when im in public but it does come and go and it doesnt really pick a time when it does.

Update 2017

Well, im still here though. I just really havent found time and the words to put in here. Maybe.

But anyways, things have been going okay i guess. im still working at my friends' hobby shop. we went through/are going trhough a rough patch but im hopeful thing'sll turn around. people prolly thought about why im still there despite such things. well, i love being there despite stuff.

Unfortunately, i managed to get kidney stones a few weeks back and it was freaking upsetting and hard to go through. Add to the fact that i also found out that my blood sugar is TWICE than normal. So new medicine to take and new list of things not to/avoid to eat. As of today though, it has been well. i havent had a hard time that concerns with the kidney stones and i feel like my blood sugar is back on the level. Hopefully. I do dislike taking tests because im afraid of the results. But i do need to undergo them to know if im clear.

Also, im happy to say that i found someone or she found me...maybe..i think haha. But well, things have been going well with her and im glad. I thought ill be alone for a long time. But life really do surprise at times. This time it was a happy one which was good. Ive had it with sad surprises.

the start of december.

so.

its already december. there are a few things happening this month. christmas is a given of course but theres also two weddings (my friends ' and my sisters) and the fact that years after going to the states, mom and the younger siblings are coming home for christmas AND new year. there also one more thing but i have doubts if its ever going to happen.

anyways. to a few things that already happened.

so a few months back, my friend announced he was getting married. he invited me and of course i told him i was going. it was actually the first time for me to go to a friends wedding. weeks after he announced (i...think?), he then told me that ill be one of his groomsmen. i was surprised because i didnt think id qualify.i was also nervous because it was first time to be a groomsman plus that i didnt own formal clothing (lol).

to be honest, i didnt know anyone in his wedding. sure there were a couple of old grade school people but i havent talked to anyone from my old school in years. especially the ones that were also invited. so i asked my bestfriend if she wanted to go with me ad i was surprised she said yes because well, i didnt think she'd wanted to go.

it was a pretty awesome wedding. my friend added a few video game and anime  songs in his wedding playlist that was played by this awesome string accompanied band. i also talked to my bestfriend about a few plans i was thinking up for my own wedding. though it doesnt really matter because i still have doubts id ever get married.

it was a good day but as soon i was about to sleep, i received a message from my bestfriend that said our good pal justin took his own life. i was extremely shocked. i went to his fb profile and saw a couple of posts about his death already. i was in denial. i kept asking myself if i was already asleep and was having a bad dream. i then broke down and cried and cried. i just couldnt believe that he just did what he did. he was already doing okay. hes gotten past a few of his problems and he has someone there to support and love him. it just didnt fit. he had two loving daughters and he always mentioned that he cant leave them alone. but, in the end, i guess he did.

i went to the first day of his wake. i was zoning out. i still cant believe he was lying in that casket infront of me. nobody saw this coming. he didnt show any signs. the only question i had was, why? sure, he wasnt a perfect person but he didnt have to go out the way he did. the whole ordeal was heavy on me. i didnt even go to the 2nd day and to his cremation. it was all just pretty unfair. then again, me of all people, should already know that life is really unfair. that it is cruel as it is beautiful. it made me ask the question again though, "why am i still here?".

will there be a day when ill also just snap like my friend and just end it? i must admit, the thought has crossed my mind alot of times.

~

im kind of hating myself right now because i was hoping for something to happen. i wasnt really promised anything. there wasnt really a confirmation that what was said was actually going to happen. but i still hoped. even when i felt like i didnt matter, i still hoped. im still hoping. im still waiting. it hurts.

November, november.

Who'd have thought the year would pass by fast (maybe not fast enough for some) and its just two more months before 2017. I'm not that excited...well, a little bit because of my birthday but then again, it'll be just the same so nothing really worth getting excited about.

The only thing I'm looking forward to are a few events on December.

First is the wedding of a friend of mine where it'll be my first time as a groomsman. I need to lose some weight and shave and get a haircut. There isn't much time as it's on the first week of December. The latter parts are easy but the losing weight part is dang hard. Why even? So that at least I can fit in formal wear. I don't even know where to get a coat and tie suit. I obviously don't have one so if I'm borrowing one then losing weight is a must in order to fit.

Second is the wedding of my younger sister. Again, i'll be more than just a guest. I'll be handling the rope..chain..thingie? Anyway, I also need to be clean-shaven and lose weight. I'm still not sure about what to wear.

The only thing I'm pretty excited about ...I mean really REALLY excited about is that my Mom and younger siblings would be home for Christmas AND New year! I haven't seen (well except on video calls) my younger siblings since they went to the US. I've missed them alot. Mom has been home a few times, I miss her too but we'd be complete this time around plus one (my sisters son, Ethan).

There's also one more thing but I'm not even sure if it's going to happen at all. I don't want to hope too much. And as much as I would love for it to happen, it's not really up to me. I'll just have to wait and see.

So from now till December, there's not going to be alot going on. Just the usual days I guess. Its not bad to hope for better days but it's disappointing when they don't happen. Nothing to do but grin and bear it.

overkill.

I dont know where im going with this. This'll be more of like rambling than a decent post. I just wanted to write down some of the things in my head. I wish I could write in down in a more eloquent manner but theres just too much running around in my head.

There are alot of things I dont know. Things that a person my age should know. It scares me.

Maybe because im stuck right now. I have been for the longest time. And mostly, its all my fault.
Im not sure where to go though. Im not sure what to do. Im not even sure if things'll work out if I did now. Im not sure if im needed.  Im not sure. Im just not sure.

The only thing im sure of is that im a mess right now and trying to keep things together has been really hard. trying to make sense of it all makes it even harder.

I mean, you go out there everyday with good intentions, trying so hard to do your best. Then what happens? Shit. Thats what. Either you fuck things up yourself or someone does it for you.

I stopped dreaming for myself. I stopped having personal future goals. I know whats in store for me in the future. Nothing but disappointment. Just like what I am.

Im lost. Maybe I want to be found. Maybe not. I dunno. I mean, what then? What happens next if im found?

Its the uncertainty of it all. It makes me overthink too much.

Theres this heavy ache in me that never goes away.

Try to get something going. Try to have a routine.Try to do something. Try to be more positive.

Try to get a rhythm going. Have something to work on.

But why do I still feel empty.

I thought I was doing ok.

I thought I was ok.

I dunno if ill ever be ok.